Igor Gregor Amp Timor

Leon · Larry:What you're doing right now, is you puttin' bad miles on your johnson. You never heard of a car have highway miles and fuckin' city miles? I... I never heard of miles on a johnson. Right now, we got dick depreciation.

Leon · Irma:All this stuff is going to the same place. Fuckin' dump, a big pile of fuckin' trash and shit... With seagulls flyin' over that shit.

Irma:It's one plastic bottle's journey from Milan to Minsk.

Irma · Larry:You can choke a dolphin, Leon? I don't think you want to. No, he doesn't wanna choke a dolphin. You don't wanna choke a dolphin.

Leon:Bad miles.

Irma:He's such a smart guy. It's just he's... He has a lot of energy, but he kinda delusional. He has all of these theories that just make no sense.

Irma:You don't stop talking about repealing the law.

Irma · Larry:Vaginal rejuvenation surgery. What? A tightening, a lifting, you know, the labial lips, I'd like them evened out.

Irma:I love my daughter, Larry, but she destroyed me down here... When she was born. And you know what they tell you to do? Kegel, Kegel, Kegel... You know what? Does not work.

Irma:When I get excited, I jump up suddenly, like at a sports game or something, a little, little, little, little pee-pee escapes.

Irma:I wanna wear white pants with you, so the whole thing is such a win-win for you... For me, sexually, you know, medically. But, you know, it's not just for me. It's for us, isn't it?

Irma:Oh, fufu surgery, a designer vagina!

Larry · Irma:What? The bowl!

Larry:I really... I don't get the bicycle thing, you know? Get the stationary bike in your house, you got the TV, it's so much better than... Than going on the streets here.

Larry:I think even roller skates is... is better. I think roller skating is safer than a bicycle... Roller-skating's kind of fun, too. I think it's more fun.

Paramedic:Can you just let me do my job? Who cares about roller skating?... Thanks. Do you wanna be a paramedic?... I don't know why you need to be a part of this anymore. Step back! Step back!

Larry:Wait a second. Hey! My sweater! Hey, my sweater! My sweater!

Larry:Oh, yeah, that's how I got my wardrobe. I go around to hospitals, and I look in rooms and I say, 'Oh, that's mine.' And they give it to me. Yeah, that's how I got the shirt and the, uh, and the pants.

Larry:Well, sleeping, you definitely don't wanna disturb somebody, and I completely understand that. But if you're resting, and you're just laying down with your eyes open, that's nothing.

Larry:That's a disturbance? A human presence is a disturbance?

Larry:How is that a disturbance? A person is laying in bed. He's asked a question. He doesn't even have to say yes or no. He can just nod, 'Yes.'

Larry · Jeff:It must be difficult being so mistrustful of everyone. It's sad.

Doctor · Larry:Six to eight weeks, probably... No kidding. Huh! Depending on what kind of work needs to be done. Oh, it's a lot of work. Lotsa, lotsa, lotsa work.

Jeff:However, downtown LA, I found a guy named Igor, same exact vase, you can't tell 'em apart. Half the price.

Larry · Jeff:The risk is my reward. You're like an outlaw.

Larry:I don't think I've ever hated someone as much in my life as I do this guy.

Igor:My name is Igor. I run Prospr... We spoke on the phone about the vase... Oh, shplendid.

Igor:Anything with blood on it. Won't take that. I don't want to know.

Igor:Most of this comes from, uh, women who died at Park La Brea Apartments. Yes, they get married, they get old, they die. I go in with the truck.

Igor:You're not leaving here until you buy something. You're gonna buy something my friend.

Igor · Larry:Maybe when I am dead, you can have my furniture. Fantastic, shplendid, shplendid.

Gregor · Larry · Jeff:Welcome, welcome to the Hotel Concordia. My name is Gregor. How can I help you?... You were shopping at Prospr! Yes, yes, yes, yeah, yeah. You in doghouse? Yeah. He's in the doghouse.

Larry · Gregor · Jeff:I... I don't know if I'm a goulash guy. Oh, you look like goulash guy. You look like you love goulash... Nice knowing you, pre-goulash.

Gregor:Nice knowing you, pre-goulash.

Angry driver:Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Hey, asshole! Watch where you're going. Unbelievable!

Larry:I mean, this is terrible. I don't know, this is inedible. This is just one of the worst things I've ever had in my life, I swear to God.

Timor · Larry:My name is Timor. Uh, I hope everything is shplendid?... Extraordinarily bad... This is bad news.

Timor · Larry:Mm. That is good goulash. Oh, that is good... All right, maybe we're wrong, you know.

Timor:This pains me that you do not like the goulash. I take this as a personal affront. But I want to pay you back 'cause I feel bad. Let me let you in on a little secret. Down the street is the best pet store in Los Angeles... Bulvor. Bulvor.

Larry · Timor:Are you related to Gregor, the concierge at the Concodia Hotel?... No... What about Igor, the antique dealer?... No... I don't know Igor, Gregor, or Bulvor. No relation.

Larry · Gregor:Let me ask you this, Gregor. Do you know Timor? Do you know Igor?... I don't know who... Who are these people that I'm supposed to know?... What am I, in a Columbo episode all of a sudden?

Larry:Why is it you all look alike, and you have 'or' on the end of your names... And you all say, 'Shplendid.' You all say, 'Shplendid.'

Gregor · Larry · Jeff:People say, 'Shplendid' at least twice a day, it is fact... We don't say, 'Shplendid.' We don't say, 'Shplendid.' I've never said splendid with him in my life. Nobody... nobody else says, 'Shplendid.'

Larry:I think you're all in cahoots. You're getting a kickback. You're recommending somebody to your brother, Timor, and then he's paying you for the recommendation.

Gregor:This is fantasy. This is science fiction. This is Star Wars... This is spaceship to moon. This is nothing.

Larry:Americans have lost complete faith in their institutions, their politicians, their priests, the policeman. But we depend on the concierge to give us advice and recommendations... You are the last bastion of trust. And if we no longer trust our concierge... then we have nothing.

Irma:I looked things up, I saw some of the images on the computer of inflammation and hematomas and I...

Irma:I wish I could... Talk to somebody who's had it done.

Larry · Susie:Your knees when you stand. It's like somebody's marching... Oh, Jesus Christ! Shut the fuck up, will ya?

Larry · Susie:Tell her you got vaginal rejuvenation surgery... Because, she wants to get vaginal rejuvenation surgery. And this'll put her out of commission for six weeks. So... Oh, so, you don't have to have sex with her?

Susie:So my vagina has to get involved in this whole fucking thing?

Susie:There's this really, really gorgeous, expensive vase I want... Get Jeff to buy me that vase, I'll tell her I did a million different things to my vagina.

Susie:Jeff, my fucking husband, Jeff, has been cheating on me, and I thought it was you. And I just... I went crazy, and it wasn't you. It was this little putain who works for the Hulu guy

Larry:I mean, I don't think you're the better person, she's the one who's apologizing. She the better person for apologizing.

Irma · Susie:Did you get the labial reconstruction too? The labia, the... The clitoris, they unhooded it? You had the hood taken... Yeah, yes, it made everything better. I don't know the details. Yeah, yeah, they took the hood off the clitoris.

Irma · Susie · Larry:Susie... could I, you know, take a look? At my vagina? Yeah, she... she's got to get going, uh, you know, she'll show you the vagina another time.

Larry:You know what? You'll have a vagina viewing party, a vaj-ama party.

Ben:I was kind of in and out of consciousness. I... I don't remember a sweater.

Larry:We're talking about five seconds. A phone rings... 'Hey, did you happen to see a sweater in the hospital room when you were here?' 'Uh... No.' Hangs up. Or, 'Yes.' Hangs up.

Ben:She's studying for her real estate license. I'm not gonna bother her with a sweater

Larry · Ben:What does that mean, 'You'll try'?... This is... This has already been a lot. Now I need to rest. I... But you are resting, you're laying... you're laying on a bed. You're resting.

Ben · Larry:I wanna rest with my eyes closed... Oh, you wanna sleep? No, I just wanna rest with my eyes closed for a while. So, you consider resting as something done with your eyes closed only?

Larry · Ben:So, you consider resting as something done with your eyes closed only? Look, I've... I gotta get back to resting, please, Larry.

Larry · Nurse:If an elephant walked down this hall here, would you notice the elephant even though you were working?... If I'm busy, real busy, it might just get by me. So, the elephant would escape your attention?

Larry:Nobody's ever found anything in the lost and found, especially the person who lost it.

Larry:Nobody's ever found anything in the lost and found, especially the person who lost it.

Larry:I pray to God nothing ever happens to me and I wind up in this place. That'll take my clothes off, they'll operate, I'll never see the clothes again. You'll have to wheel me out of here naked.

Igor:I changed my mind. The vase is no longer, uh, for sale... It's sentimental value.

Larry · Igor:'Cause Timor talked to Gregor, and Gregor talked to Igor. Isn't that how it works? Right?... You accusing me of shneeking around, you accuse me of being a shneek?

Igor · Larry:You accusing me of shneeking around, you accuse me of being a shneek? I'm not saying you're shneeky, I'm saying they spoke to you. You... you're implying I'm shneeky?

Igor:Well, I guess your wife's not gonna fuck you anymore, and that's on you. I can do whatever I want.

Larry · Igor:Oh, what? Because we didn't like the goulash? That's why you're doing this?... Why are you talking about goulash?... Oh, you know what I'm talking about. You know, I know, that's what happened. Gregor talked to you, 'Don't sell vase. They do not like the goulash.'

Igor · Larry:I'm about to shnap... Go ahead and shnap... I will shnap... Go ahead. Let's go!

Larry:Gregor is your brother, Timor is your brother, and that asshole who runs that fucking pet store, Bulvor, he's your brother too, probably.

Igor · Larry:I'm about to shnap. Go ahead and shnap. I will shnap. Go ahead. Let's go! Get out of here. Fine. And I know your brothers.

Larry · Jeff:I do. The Eskimos have 17 words for 'snow' and no word for 'I'm sorry.'... I don't know if that fact is fun.

Larry:Either they never do anything wrong to apologize for, 'cause they're so perfect... Or they just don't give a fuck. I hate your blubber, live with it.

Larry:That's Ben, he's got... He's got my sweater on. That's the guy form the hospital. He got my sweater.

Jeff · Larry:I will accept that. What... What are you talking about? You gonna let me pay for it? Why wouldn't I?

Larry:I just figured I'd make an insincere gesture, you would grudgingly say, 'No, you'll pay half and we'll split it,' and we'd both be unhappy with the compromise.

Jeff · Larry:Fun fact, if you make an insincere gesture, the other person might accept it... Fun fact, even if I make an insincere gesture, the other person should grudgingly pay for half... How is that a fact? It's not a fact, and it's not fun.

Susie · Larry:Your vase broke... Well, I guess you're just gonna have to go get another one. Because if you don't, Larry, I am gonna sit the lovely Irma Kostroski down, and I'm gonna tell her horror after horror about the vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

Susie:I'm gonna tell her that I had a hematoma the size of fucking Kansas... That I had necrosis. That my labia was so swollen, I couldn't walk for months... Her worst nightmare.

Larry:I guess I had a trouble making the transition to a different goulash... And the more I thought about it, how could they possibly be your brothers, even though you speak with very similar nondescript Eastern European accent? I would venture to say if you all shaved, you... you might all look like triplets.

Larry:I would venture to say if you all shaved, you... you might all look like triplets. So, I'm sorry if I offended or insulted you in any way.

Gregor · Larry:Would you like to apologize for little sketch you did when you did the voice of what I sound like?... 'I am so sorry, Timor, this is a vase, this is business. Who cares if he didn't like your goulash? I've tried your goulash, not so good.'

Larry:If it did, you would've said, 'I am so sorry, Timor, this is a vase, this is business. Who cares if he didn't like your goulash? I've tried your goulash, not so good.'

Igor · Larry:Ten thousand dollars... You were going to sell it to my friend for 5,000... Yes, but I understand Seinfeld is in syndication.

Angry driver · Larry:Yeah, you. You almost killed me and my dog the other day... You don't think I'd remember? I got your license plate, asshole!... I'll beat your fucking ass right now, you skinny little bitch.

Irma:Well, Susie gave me a little sneak peek and... ...I do not want any part of that. It was like a... a melted cave.

Susie · Jeff:You wanna rejuvenate your vagina? Yes, they do a tightening and a lift... You got it.

Susie · Jeff:Jeff, I am not mad at you about the vase anymore. Really? Yeah. You and your clumsy friend are off the hook. What? 'Cause I came up with something I'd rather have. What? Tell me. Vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

Larry · Irma:So, y... you're not getting the surgery? No. We wouldn't be able to make love for six weeks. That'd be a torture. A torture, right? Well, no.