Funkhousers Crazy Sister

Loretta · Larry:larry! it tastes like you put the whole salt shaker up in here.

Loretta · Larry:68°?! See, that's some white-people shit right there, l.d. Black people like it a little bit warmer at night, okay?

Leon · Larry · Loretta:Oh no, fuck that, larry. You might as well sleep outside. i'm an 82° man myself.

Leon:you bring a honey to the hotel and shit... get up in that motherfucker. it's all cold and shit-- got to heat her ass up.

Larry · Cheryl:I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors-- thieves don't impose.

Larry:the neighbors want your time. The thieves want your things. i'd rather give them things than time.

Larry · Jeff:75°? i'm baking in that room at night. It's like i'm cinderella in there, i swear to you.

Jeff · Larry:cinderella? what do you mean? / No no, i know cinderella. but what aspect of cinderella? what do you mean? / what aspect do you think i mean? / i don't know. the shoe?

Larry · Jeff:she gets bossed around by the stepmother! / don't get mad at me! / well, you're so stupid!

Larry · Jeff:I got about 24 hours to get out of this thing before the results come back. / Yeah, you can't break up with somebody who's got cancer.

Larry:you can't break up with somebody who's got cancer. you gotta break up with her before she gets those test results.

Larry:I'd much rather be in her position than mine any day of the week.

Jeff:Couples should have like a pre-breakup agreement... 'if you see the word 'apricot,' it means it's over.'

Larry:Can I tell you something about apricots? You know, one in 30 is a good one. It's such a low-percentage fruit.

Cheryl · Larry:It's a social convention that people don't ask who's going to be there at the dinner party. It's just not done.

Cheryl:You should be glad that it happens that way, because if I told people you were coming, they might not show up.

Larry:Because if it gets out who's coming nobody would want to go. So why even have it in the first place if people don't want to be with each other?

Larry:It's like a huge responsibility... Feeding fish. It's not fun. Think about it, you know? I'm outside, i gotta go home and feed fish? I mean, seriously, who gives a shit?

Larry:You know, they're not pets, really. But yet it's the same responsibility as a pet. But you get nothing back. you watch them. Is that supposed to be fascinating?

Larry · Dr. Schaffer:Say you had to make a bet with vegas on this, Would you bet for cancer or against cancer?

Larry · Dr. Schaffer:You just go into the refrigerator without asking?

Dr. Schaffer:I can tell when somebody's gonna offer me lemonade. You were not going to offer me lemonade. If anything, you were going to complain to me about being a fish owner or something.

Dr. Schaffer:Don't condescend to me with your tiny pear.

Dr. Schaffer:liquids are okay.

Larry · Funkhouser:visit her? what, are you kidding? / why, you didn't mean it? / of course not! / an empty gesture. it was something to say.

Funkhouser:Look at her shoes before she calls your name. Don't look at her in the eyes.

Funkhouser:I guess i wasn't invited. I can't believe that.

Larry:I gotta sit in a room with that nut?

Jeff:Guess who told marty to shut up... She's great-- a great actress... She's a multi-- multi-talented.

Larry · Jeff:Oh, i know, i know! hannah montana. / no, you're not even trying! / the kardashians! / what? no!

Larry · Bam Bam:Got anything to eat? / No. / anything to drink? / nope. / nothing to eat or drink? / nope. i'm sorry, nothing.

Larry · Bam Bam:i'm gonna go to the bathroom. / I was gonna go to the bathroom. / I just said i'm going to the bathroom. / but i'm saying, could i go first?

Larry · Jeff:You had sex with a mental patient! / she's not a mental patient. / If i went over to the institution and fucked her, then she's a mental patient.

Jeff · Larry:I said, 'if there's anything i can do'-- / you said that? / that's it. / an empty gesture? / an empty gesture. / that's how this whole thing started.

Larry:You can't make an empty gesture to a funkhouser. They take you up on it.

Jeff · Larry:what'd you tell funkhouser about the party for? - Pfft, oh, why? he said something? - Yeah, he said something. he called to complain he wasn't invited and susie invited him.

Larry:If you had told me who was coming to the party in the first place, I never would have said anything to him because i would have known he wasn't coming.

Larry:It's crazy-- all these party rules: you can't tell who you're inviting, You can't tell anybody you're going And you can't talk about it after. It's like living in east germany or something.

Larry · Dr. Schaffer:i didn't know you were gay. / Uh, yeah. / is that a surprise to you? / Yeah, i'm a little surprised, yeah.

Larry:you seem slightly gay and you don't. so i wouldn't be surprised if somebody told me-- but i'm surprised that somebody tells me you're gay.

Larry · Sam:How about if i said i'm pleasantly surprised? / You're living in another decade, mr. david.

Funkhouser · Larry · Jeff:No wonder she was singing 'I love the fat boy.' / I couldn't figure it out. / I love the fat boy.

Dr. Schaffer:Oh? Then might you explain the whereabouts of the freshly-sliced deli-packaged turkey... the yellow mustard in a glass jar. And the lemonade soda?

Larry:Oh, lemonade? So you're a hypocrite too? Because I had lemonade at your house and you threw... a shit fit.

Larry:She's emotionally unstable. Are you gonna believe a word this woman says?

Susie · Bam Bam:What did you say? What the fuck is she talking about Jeff? What the hell did you do? / You were in bed with me.

Susie:Even Bam Bam is not crazy enough to sleep with you, okay? / Only I am.

Larry:Resting? What does resting even mean? She's not sleeping, is she? You can talk and rest.

Cheryl · Larry:You want to join us? / Are you sure? Really? / Please. Sit down. / I miss you.

Cheryl:It got to this place where you were always at the house and you didn't have anything to do... it was just different. Like when you were working on 'Seinfeld,' You had a job and you'd get up and you'd go, like, do something with other people.

Larry:Too much Larry, I get that. We can reduce Larry in half. We can reduce Larry to a third. We can reduce Larry to three hours a day.

Larry:I've got 24-hour Larry, you think I like it?

Larry:I gotta go get out of something.

Dr. Schaffer:I would keep the house warmer. Keep it at about 78° to 82° minimum.

Larry · Dr. Schaffer:I... I can still play golf. / Absolutely not. I don't imagine you'd have time for that. / Once a week? / No times a week. You won't have time for that. / What? Nine holes. / Zero holes, Mr. David!

Dr. Schaffer:There's going to be vomiting. There's going to be incontinence, depression, unsightly hair loss, weight loss. She'll be irritable. Lots of massive mood swings. She could get violent. hysteria, incontinence... Have I already said that?