The Blind Date

Larry:You know what? You better get a new girlfriend, all right? 'Cause this isn't gonna last that much longer.

Larry:Hey, I did you a favor. The problem is it's hard to fix you up. You're so particular.

Larry:Not only does she have to be good-looking, but she's going out with a blind man. She has to wait on hand and foot.

Michael:Okay, first of all, you've got nothing inside of you, okay? Let me just make that clear. You are the most superficial man I've ever met, blind or sighted, okay?

Unknown actor:Theater performance interrupted by yelling 'Argh! Argh!'

Larry:Oh, okay, yoghurt. Is that a prefix, you think, 'yo'? Yo-ga, yo-ghurt. Think that's related... -ghurt, -ga?

Larry:Hey, I thought of some more yos. Yodel, have you ever yodeled?

Larry:I'm not gonna drive you around like a chauffeur. Get in the front seat.

Michael:What kind of person is so insecure that they have to make somebody move into the front seat so they don't think they're driving somebody around?

Larry:The kind of person that's so insecure that needs to be driven around. Subliminally you're telling me you need me to drive you around.

Michael · Larry:You're such a baby. You're a grown man baby. Are you saying I'm a man-child? I'm saying you're a little baby.

Michael:Little baby wants a ride? We'll give little baby a ride.

Larry · Michael:Look at this thing you're walking around with, a big sack on your back. It's my knapsack!

Cheryl · Larry:You know what? Maybe while you're out, you could get it washed. It looks pretty clean, by the way. Do you mind? But it's totally clean.

Stewart:A card trick. Now you have to tell me when to stop. Stop. # Doo-doo, doo-doo # ...is your card

Larry · Stewart:Well, you're not really a magician. Oh, yeah, I am. One trick makes you a magician? Did I trick you?

Stewart · Larry:He can tell that I'm a magician. Well, you can tell that I'm a magician. But I'm a magician, just naturally a magician. But you don't know any tricks.

Stewart:if you were naturally a magician, I'd feel that you were naturally a magician.

Cheryl · Larry:You guys are a lot alike. Yeah, except he's not a magician.

Larry · Michael · Larry:You gonna wear a costume? Of course I'm wearing a costume, it's a Halloween party. I'm not gonna wear a costume!

Jeff · Larry:So, last night at about 11:30, I go to the bathroom to, uh, you know. You got the energy for that at 11:30 at night? I always have the energy, yeah.

Jeff:And, um, all of a sudden, she pops out. You know who pops in? You're not gonna believe this. Cheryl.

Jeff · Larry:You can't control who pops in. She pops in. Why didn't you pop her out? I tried popping her out. She wouldn't pop out.

Jeff · Larry:Besides, my bench is thin. I don't have a lot going on there. Your bench is thin? What, is she on your team now?

Jeff · Larry:I'll never intentionally use your wife for that. What do you mean? You can't control who pops in.

Larry · Receptionist:Wait till you get the kid. It'll change your life. 'Get the kid'?

Mel Brooks:Ben Stiller is gone. He is history. He came to me and said, 'It's either me or Larry David. Make up your mind.' Larry David, Stiller out.

Mel Brooks:You wouldn't sit in the front of a car? You couldn't move into the front of the car?

Larry · Mel:I happen to have a small phobia about shaking people's hands who have snot on it. Can you blame him?

Larry · Jeff · Mel:I don't like the 'Happy Birthday' song. He never sings the 'Happy Birthday' song. I don't like it either. I hate the song! It's a trite, cliché song.

Larry:Blessing in disguise. He's a wonderful actor. He's a fantastic actor. I don't think he belongs in musical comedy, frankly.

Mel Brooks:And we'd save a little money on the marquee. 'Larry David Schwimmer,' get it? Okay, bad joke.

Mel Brooks:There is something about this middle-aged bald guy that is thrilling!

Car wash worker:Everybody's seeing I'm putting it in my pocket, okay. Nothing's coming off this.

Larry:You're making it a bigger mess than it was.

Larry · Homeowner:I know this is gonna sound a little crazy, but my car ran out of gas, and I need to use a bathroom. No!

Larry:I'm not really a stranger. I did the 'Seinfeld' show, I've done...

Larry:I'd like to make an offer on your house. 10 bucks for a pee.

Haboos:I have a refinery in the back. I'm joking!

Larry · Haboos:We're a very superficial people. We like to know what women look like, so it's gonna be tough for you when the... I think I've got a guy for you. A blind date? Literally.

Larry · Car wash workers:Did you happen to see any sunblock on the passenger seat in my car? I don't know. I didn't see any.

Larry · Stanley:weren't there four of you? Uh, no, not recently. No, at the car wash, there were four of you. Yeah, he must have gone home.

Larry · Car wash workers:I think we know what happened to the sunblock. We lied! Yeah, we lied to you!

Larry · Others:An Arab, a Jew, and an Asian fellow... walk into a bar, okay? I didn't tell the joke yet! Wait till I tell the joke.

Michael:Nobody knows what she looks like okay? Nobody. Everybody's in the same boat as you. You have leveled the playing field for me, Larry.

Larry · Stewart:Why do you do it so fast? Well, actually you were too fast. Oh, I was too fast? Maybe I'm just not stopping where you want me to stop.

Larry:I'm taking half that candy. Don't say a word to her. You put it in the pantry, I'll divide it up. Understand?

Susie · Larry:What are you wearing? What is this, no costume? I want you to change your costume. I don't like that costume.

Larry:Haboos's burka. Just back from the drycleaners. You're going as an Islamic fundamentalist.

Stranger:What the fuck?! Hey, Osama, go back to your own fucking country.

Haboos:Oh! My veil!

Larry · Michael:Not so hot, huh? No, not so hot.

Larry · Stewart:You peeked. You bent it so you could peek at it. You looked at it from behind. How'd you know? Anyone can figure that out.

Cheryl:And now for the rest of your life, you sick four-eyed pervert fuck, you're gonna be fantasizing about me in this outfit.