The Bracelet

Larry:What a moron! lt's only two yards that you're gonna get. So what? You don't need two yards.

Larry · Cheryl:The prostitutes don't mind it. / They give you a discount? / They do, they get off on it.

Larry:Somebody told me today that too much soy makes your brain shrink. Kind of scared me a little bit. l've been having soy for breakfast with my cereal, everyday for the last 10 years.

Larry:What am l gonna do, switch to milk now? l don't know if l could switch to milk. You know, cholesterol. Can't win, really.

Larry · Cheryl:How's your cousin, Griffin? / Griffin is my nephew.

Larry:l'm sensing rancor. Or is it 'ranker'? 'Rancor'?

Larry:How about: 'Honey, l forgive you. Would you like to have sex?' How about that? Or any combination of that. Either forgiveness or the sex. Of course, both would be great. That would be ideal. l'm not expecting both.

Larry:lf you were watching the Oscars or something, okay... and they were about to announce the best-actress category... and l came home... l would say, 'No, sit down, finish watching it.'

Larry:lf it was in the third quarter... easily, l'd give you 15 minutes. But we're in the last two minutes of the game. They've got the ball on the 35-yard line.

Richard · Larry:You haven't shaved? / All right, what's going on? / Nothing. / No, something's up with you.

Richard:You gotta get her a gift. You can't come home empty-handed.

Larry:Yeah, that's it. That's what l was afraid of.

Homeless man · Larry:You're that chicken l'orange guy. Oh, yeah! How you doing? Good, how are you? Good to see you. Nice to see you. Thanks a lot for that chicken, that was highly appreciated.

Homeless man · Larry:You wouldn't have any spare change? / No. / Here's a piece of gum.

Richard · Store employee:No. / l wasn't with that guy. l'm not with him. These are my workout clothes!

Larry · Stranger:Excuse me, sir, could you do me a favor? l'm gonna dial a number. lf a woman answers the phone, just hang up... and if a man answers, hand it back to me, okay?

Stranger · Larry:What is this about? / l hate my friend's girlfriend. l don't wanna talk to her.

Richard:You look like the Jewish Ratso Rizzo.

Richard · Larry:That's the first thank you in over two years. / You haven't done anything to thank you for. / Good point.

Richard · Larry:ls there a name like 'Pluto's Tail'? / l don't know the name of it. / ls it on one of the velvet neck things? / Yeah, it's right in the front center-- / No, it's a necklace-- / lt's a bracelet. lt's not on a hand.

Larry:Why'd l ever call this guy?

Larry:Smarty pants. Closed.

Richard · Larry:l told you, 25 relatives had heart attacks in my family. Do me one, let me walk. / Okay, please. / l'm not lying.

Richard:Why do you think? We're men, right, and men need it more. No, it's not about that. l got it. Because they are so offended... by our genitalia... that they have to be in love with us to have it.

Richard · Larry:with their grotesque penis. / l'm missing something. / No, l think it's a good theory. / lt's a disgusting theory at lunch, l'll tell you that.

Larry · Richard:There's a space here to tip a captain? A captain? lnstead of a waiter? No, both. Look at this. There's a space for a captain, and a space for a waiter.

Richard · Larry:Allotment? / l have 20 percent allotted to the waiter. / Sound like you're in the schmata business. / The captain's gonna be horning in now on my allotment?

Larry:What does a captain do? l think l saw. The guy at the podium. He pointed.

Larry:Let the waiter give the captain 10 percent if he wants. l'll give the waiter the money.

Larry:Next time, there'll be a space for a lieutenant... then maybe a colonel, tip the colonel. 'How much, Colonel?' What does the colonel get?

Richard · Larry:l bet in school, you didn't put the little penny in the UNlCEF slots? / l put a lot of pennies.

Michael (blind man):l can't believe you stopped. l've been standing here for over an hour... and you're the first people that have actually stopped.

Richard · Larry:How can you not help a blind man? / How could you say 'blind man,' in front of a blind man?

Larry · Michael:l meant 'sightless.' l respect the blind as much as anybody. / lt's not a problem, believe me. / l didn't mean that in a derogatory sense.

Larry · Richard:l got my own problems. l'm a recovering alcoholic. l have intimacy problems. / Poor guy, terrible intimacy problems. / Can't get close to a woman. lt's a terrible thing.

Larry · Richard:lt happens to be true. l am just saying, we're all the same. He can't see, and you have intimacy problems. / You guys have a lot in common.

Larry · Michael:Try to think about my fingers once, will you? / l had a colonoscopy two weeks ago. / You have no strength. You're so fucking dainty.

Michael · Larry:Back up! / You're like a goddamn lion tamer.

Michael · Larry:Back up! / You're like a goddamn lion tamer.

Larry · Michael:Be well, take care of yourself. / Okay, just the mattress. / Where do you want the mattress? / ln the bedroom.

Michael · Larry:Just bring the TV in and stick it... in the fireplace there... and go. / Get the TV from the bedroom? / Stick it in the recess of the fireplace.

Michael · Larry:What in the name of God am l gonna do with a TV in my room? l'm blind. / But it doesn't work in here! lt just doesn't fit! / That's where it belongs! Are you questioning my sense of space?

Larry · Richard:The blind man misled us, though. / lt's true, but-- / He did mislead us. He didn't tell us the truth about what we had to move. He was a deceptive blind man.

Larry · Richard:l think if you're blind, you have some.... You got a license, you got a blind license? / l can finish my own thought-- / You weren't doing a very good job of it.

Richard · Larry:You helped a blind man, and, to me, this was a great day. / lt was? / Yeah. / Every day's a great day for me. / Look at you, Norman Vincent Lewis.

Richard · Larry:You are never filled with any gratitude. You have no gratitude. / You have more serenity? / ln my own way l do. / l am in pretty bad shape, if that's the case.

Larry:You are just a babbling brook of bullshit.

Larry:You are just a babbling brook of bullshit.

Larry:You didn't happen to pick up my credit card at lunch today, did you? I don't know, I must have left it on the table or something.

Larry:You didn't happen to pick up my credit card at lunch today, did you? / I don't know, I must have left it on the table or something.

Larry:Got her some roses. Boy, it's amazing how these roses work.

Cheryl:And you know what? l passed by that jewelry store on 23rd... and l think, l really do want that bracelet.

Larry:he was with me today... and he just asked me if he could buy it for his girlfriend... and l guess l kinda told him 'okay.'

Cheryl · Larry:So, l don't want the bracelet because we made up? / That doesn't make sense. / l know it doesn't, it was stupid.

Larry:No. He's got caller lD, and l'm gonna be on the phone... for five hours, explaining to him why l hung up, and l don't want that.

Larry:l'll get up and go down there. l will be there when they open the store. l will turn the key. l'll greet them in the morning.

Perry (Captain):Normally, when we have good service, we get tips. l think you left something like 30 percent for the waiter... and you just drew a line through my waiter-captain tip.

Larry · Perry:That waiter didn't share that tip with you? / No, he didn't. / That is so unfair. That's terrible.

Perry:You better find yourself another mode of transportation.

Larry:Richard! Wait!