The Black Swan

Larry · Nat:Larry discovers his father spelled 'passed' as 'past' on his mother's gravestone to save money

Larry · Nat:"past away"? P-a-s-t? Dad, you spelled "passed" wrong. It's not spelled p-a-s-t.

Nat:Nat defends the misspelling: 'It has the same meaning. Everybody knows what it means.'

Larry · Nat:Larry suggests adding 'blandishments' and 'beloved mother of larry' - Nat responds 'You wanted maybe $6,000 more on the stone?'

Unknown character:'Lucky he didn't put "beloved moth."'

Larry:I'd like the same thing... Egg whites with lox and well-done onions. I don't want them limp. I really want them crispy.

Larry · Andy:No no, it takes a long time to get onions well-done. Believe me. I've ordered this before. I know exactly what I want.

Larry:Larry refuses to introduce his friend Jim: 'He's from New York. You're never gonna see him again.'

Larry:Larry dismisses introductions as 'pointless and unnecessary social convention'

Larry · Mr. Takahashi:Larry lies to Mr. Takahashi about his father's 'quadruple bypass surgery yesterday'

Mr. Takahashi:Mr. Takahashi's dismissive 'You do this all time. Last warning.'

Larry · Andy:Will you please finish shoveling that shit into your face? It's exactly how I wanted it done.

Larry · Andy · Marty:The golf course delay caused by Andy's crispy onions leads to missing their tee time

Larry:Larry protests the restaurant's 18% included tip plus additional tip space: 'I have to start doing math in my head now?'

Waiter:Um, see, 'cause you didn't leave a tip. And usually when I've provided excellent service, my customers like to tip me.

Larry:Well, there is an 18% tip included. Generally, I do leave an additional tip, but you know what? I'm kind of protesting the additional tip.

Larry · Norm:Larry and friends argue with slow golfer Norm, leading to escalating insults

Larry · Andy:Larry sarcastically asks Andy 'Are you happy you had the onions?! Are you glad you had the onions?!'

Larry:Larry mimics Andy: 'Crispy onions! They have to be crispy! I can't eat breakfast unless I have crispy onions!'

Club Member:Club member blames Larry for Norm's heart attack: 'Norm is dead. That's right.'

Larry:Larry admits 'No, I thought he was a prick' when asked if he liked Norm

Club Member:'The minute you wanted those crispy onions, you put a gun to that guy's head'

Larry · Nat · Cassie:Larry spontaneously offers to pay for his cousin's daughter's college education

Larry · Cassie:Larry refuses to show Cassie's hats to Jerry Seinfeld: 'Jerry Seinfeld is not gonna wear that hat.' 'You don't know!' 'Yeah, I do know.'

Ed · Larry:Stonemason Ed interrupts Larry's call to trash Derek Jeter: 'That guy sucks... He's the most overrated player in baseball'

Larry · Andy · Marty · Jeff:Larry accidentally kills the swan and his friends realize it's Takahashi's beloved pet Kyoko

Larry:He attacked me! He leapt at me! You think I wanted to kill it? I didn't want to kill a swan!

Larry · Jeff:He attacked me! He leapt at me! Did you provoke him? No, I didn't do anything.

Jeff:Jeff's philosophy: 'The only time I tell her I'm playing golf is when I'm with another woman!'

Larry:Larry's logic: 'Swan killers leave. People who aren't swan killers stay, have lunch, socialize'

Larry:Hey, let me remind you of something, asshole: you're talking way too loud about swan killing in the dining room.

Larry:Larry argues about fruit consumption: 'You can't have fruit twice in one day. You get the acid. It'll rip a hole in your stomach.'

Larry · Andy · Marty · Jeff:The group panics seeing what they think is a search party but it's just a bird

Larry · Friends:Larry justifies killing the swan: 'It was self-defense! What could it have possibly done to you?' 'It could've killed me.' 'It's not a wild boar!'

Takahashi · Larry:It was a bird. What were you so scared of? A bird! It was self-defense! What could it have possibly done to you? It's not a wild boar!

Mr. Takahashi:Mr. Takahashi's interrogation using the tee sheet: 'Only one other group played. Course not crowded. Respect for Norm.'

Takahashi · Marty:You. You smart guy. You not kill swan. But you know who kill swan. You tell me, free dues. No more dues. For life? Whole life.

Mr. Takahashi · Jeff:Takahashi insults Jeff: 'You stupid. Yes. You marry big-mouth wife.' Jeff agrees: 'She does have a big mouth.'

Larry:Two days in a row. This is worse than playing behind him.

Larry:Larry's outrage: 'I make this generous offer to pay for your daughter's education and now you want me to put your wife through cosmetology school?!'

Nat:Nat deflects: 'Who knows? She might be a drug addict' about his daughter potentially not going to college

Nat:Nat reveals he told his wife about the swan: 'I had to tell her, Larry. Don't worry. She's not gonna say anything.'

Larry:Larry threatens to destroy Cassie's hat collection: 'The blue hat, the orange hat, the one with the cockle shells, the one with the feathers, and let's not forget the red one you're making for that asshole stonemason'

Ed:Ed the stonemason's response: 'I hope I get to do yours real soon, prick.'

Larry · Ed:I'm an asshole? Who are you? I'm ed... The stonemason. ah.

Larry · Jerry:Larry complains Jerry didn't introduce him: 'What about your policy? No introductions.' 'I know, but there's extenuating circumstances.' 'So I'm hoisted on my own petard.'

Larry:At Norm's memorial, Larry theorizes the swan killed Norm: 'I believe this is what happened: Norm had the heart attack on the 12th hole near the pond... I think he was attacked by the black swan.'

Larry:Larry concludes: 'I don't know who killed that black swan, but whoever did it was a hero. A hero.'

Larry:Larry gives a huge tip to silence the waiter, abandoning his anti-tipping protest

Mr. Takahashi:Mr. Takahashi is convinced by the big tip that Larry couldn't be the swan killer: 'Now I know a man so generous could not have killed my black swan'

Larry · Mr. Takahashi:Larry convinces Takahashi to eliminate the additional tipping by making it a flat 25%: 'Nobody wants to sit and do math after they eat'