The Hero

Larry · Passenger:Are you really pushing my drink back? Encroachment. - Encroachment? Yes, you're encroaching. Oh. Sorry. That's a penalty. Passage or penalty?

Larry · Passenger:Look at this. Look at the size of these laces. Have you noticed that they're making laces much longer than they used to? I'm just-- I'm actually trying to read something.

Larry · Coach Passenger:This bathroom is for coach passengers only. Really? Who said that? Um, earlier I tried to use the one up there and I was told that, you know, coach isn't allowed to use first class.

Larry · Coach Passenger:But I'm not like a first-class person. I'm coachy. It's just that you're not acting coachy. You're not acting coachy. You're acting first classy.

Larry · Coach Passenger:Poor misunderstood first class. Oh, poor little coachy girl. She's so jealous 'cause everybody else is more comfortable than the coachy girl. I just want to pee somewhere-- Everywhere. I have nothing.

Drunk Passenger · Flight Attendant:I said scotch with two ice cubes. No water. I cannot serve you any more alcohol. What? For Christ's sake, I'll get it myself. Where's the drink cart?

Drunk Passenger · Larry:Oh no, I'll stop. Please don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. I'll go back to my seat. Please don't hit me. I-- I just-- it was-- Don't hit me anymore. I didn't really--

Donna · Larry:That was you? That was me. I jumped on him. Crazy. What motivated you? You know, uh, he was abusing the stewardess and I just did it.

Donna · Larry:Look at you. How about that? So not like you. I didn't even think about it really. God, you're very brave. Huh. You are. You're a hero. That too, I suppose.

Larry · Jeff:What is the deal with these shoelaces now? They make them so long. I mean, I'm tripping over these laces five times a day. But you got a girl out of it.

Jeff · Larry:Only you and I know you weren't an intentional hero. You don't think there's any way in the world I would have done something about that guy? Impossible.

Jeff · Larry · Waiter:Ricky Gervais is sitting in the booth behind you. Oh, really? Can I turn around or is that-- All right, are we ready?

Waiter · Larry · Jeff:Would you like me to get a bottle of wine for Mr. Gervais? Sure. How did you-- Okay. Yeah, sure. Please. Excellent. I'll take care of that.

Larry:See, you've got to be careful with these waiters. They come over to your table, they eavesdrop. I think that's why they're always pouring the water. You can't say anything personal. I think that's one of the perks of the job is picking up the tidbits. It's a tidbit festival.

Waiter · Larry:Did he order the wine? Yes, he got a very nice bottle. In fact, it was a $300 bottle. So the best in the house. A $300 bottle of wine? Are you serious?

Larry:Look. He looks very happy.

Jeff · Larry:My blood sugar is just going down to my feet. If I don't eat something-- I feel, like, faint. Our food's sitting up there? Yeah. Well, what the fuck? What is he doing? He's just sitting there schmoozing with them?

Larry · Jeff:How about if I just go get it? If you do that you're a hero. Really? You're a hero. You got it, pal.

Waiter · Larry:Enjoying your meal? As a matter of fact I am. Um, where did this food come from? I brought it here. You understand I'm the waiter? Yet we were the ones who were doing the waiting. So we became the waiters.

Jeff:This man is a hero. He just revolutionized the way restaurants work, my friend. No one's gonna go hungry again.

Larry:I wonder what Sully would have done if he was in my shoes? Not that I'm comparing myself to Sully.

Larry:Once I went to the seventh game of a world series and came home on the subway and it was very crowded and hot and disgusting. People were sweating on me. But I maintained my composure. I thought that was a good sign.

Larry · Ricardo:No wine? Everybody brings wine. I bring bread. It's Italian bread. Yeah, but this doesn't go with my menu. You don't know what I'm serving. Don't impose your desires on my whole cuisine.

Ricardo · Ricky · Larry:Oh my God, I can't believe this. Signed. The funniest show in the history of television. It was funny. I wouldn't call it the funniest show in the history of television.

Larry · Ricky:It's just odd to just show up with your own DVD. Yeah. Never heard of somebody who's in something and then showing up with it. You've never heard of that? No, it's an odd thing.

Larry · Ricky:If you don't mind my saying... Not at all. It looks slightly affected. Yeah, I was worried about that. But one person thinking it's affected, 1,000 people let down...

Larry · Ricky:Was it? I didn't look at the price. You didn't? No, not when it's a gift. That's kind of odd, isn't it? No, not when it's a gift. Really? Does it? It ruins it. Yeah.

Ricardo · Larry:I've separated the couples. What? I separated the couples. Why? What's the point of that? Meet new people, mingle. I don't want to meet new people. I don't want to mingle.

Hank · Larry:You know, when I first saw you I guessed you for a spaniard. Yeah. I'm glad you're not Spanish. Really? I'm not a fan of the Spanish. Why is that? It's a personal thing. I got picked on a lot by some kids. By spaniards? Yeah. Well, they spoke Spanish.

Guest · Ricardo · Larry:What is that? I'm sorry, I've shattered your bread. What is that? It's not my bread. Larry brought it. It's hard, huh? Wow. It's supposed to be hard. Not this hard.

Hank · Larry:I'm trying to elevate small talk to medium talk. Okay, fine. It's all right. You know, it's fine. It's okay. How often do you have sex? Almost never.

Larry · Ricardo:You say you're separating the couples? You're not separated. We're the hosts. Oh, you're the hosts? You fixed this whole thing, okay? You fixed it all so you could be at the cool table.

Guest · Ricky · Hank:So sorry. Ricky, can I please pay you for that? Oh, don't. It's very expensive. It's okay, I insist. It's a $500 scarf. That's okay. I'm good for it.

Ricardo · Hank · Guest · Larry:Hank, what happened? I tripped over my shoelaces. That's exactly how Larry fell into the guy on the plane. What? On the plane he tripped over his shoelaces. Larry, is that true?

Ricardo:I don't have any choice. You're like an appendage to us.

Larry · Jeff:They're charging me $200 for the ticket. I thought he was giving it to me for free. What can you do? What is it with this guy? He's costing me a fortune.

Larry · Susie:I'm scrunched in here. I want that seat. Oh, fuck you, Larry. I'm the girl. Shut up. You're a girl? You're a witch.

Audience Member · Ricky (as Mr. Simmington):Shut the fuck up. If that is so, then I am done.

Ricky · Larry:She was a hideous hideous looking person. I don't think you got a good look, Larry. I got a great look. The woman was quite attractive if I recall. Maybe on some bizarro planet.

Larry · Ricky:Are you kidding? 'Oklahoma'? 'Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day. I've got a beautiful feeling, everything's going my way.' Oh dear. Oh, come on.

Larry · Ricky:'Poor Jud is dead. Poor Jud is dead.' Please. Bubblegum.

Ricky · Larry:No, they're real tears. Of course, real tears every night. Seriously? Come on. Where do you think they came from? Here's where they came from. You're not crying. There's no tears coming out.

Larry · Ricky:At the will-call window I picked up the ticket and they charged me $200. You thought it'd be more? I thought-- You told me you were getting me a ticket. I did get you a ticket.

Ricky · Larry:That was a gift-- The gift of wine. Thank you. And I've given you the gift of art. Whether you give me a gift or I give you a gift, it costs me money.

Larry · Ally:Oh well, I was just really trying to elevate small talk to medium talk. That's all I was doing. Well, don't.

Ally:And another thing, I fuck my husband four or five times a week. Four or five times a fucking week. So shove that up your ass.

Hank · Ricky:I owe you $500, Larry says you owe him $500. So he wants me to give the $500 to him directly. Is that cool? No good? Not really.

Ricky · Larry · Jeff:I know it was you two idiots whispering all the way through my show. I wasn't anywhere near him. What are you talking about? Where do you get that from? The waiter.

Ricky · Larry:It's like Laurel and Hardy. Donna was right. What? What did you say? Nothing. No, you just said Donna was right. Yeah, she is. So you've been talking to Donna.

mugger · Larry · Ricky · Donna:Give me your money. Don't move! Okay okay. Give me that ring! Give me that ring! Now! Come on! Give me that! Take 'em-- Take 'em off! Just give him your shoes. Take them off!

Mugger · Larry:Shut up! Okay, don't hit me in the face though.

Larry · Donna:Yeah, I was just about-- Whoa. Yeah, well. I believe this belongs to you, young lady. My God, Larry. There you go. What do you know?

Larry:Oh, and you're right about the bread, Simmington. It is hard.

Larry:Hey! Hey! No no! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!