Beloved Aunt

Craig · Larry:I don't drink. / It's chocolate.

Larry:After we had intercourse, we got married very quickly.

Larry:And then you couldn't do it after she killed herself.

Larry:If it was her mother, I'd ask you to go back on the plane and wait maybe six days, a week. For an aunt? For an aunt who doesn't even live where you live...

Larry:I've never actually used it myself, but I think it works.

Larry:I've got a breath problem? What-- No, I thought I saw a bug, that's creepy.

Barbara:I don't even like to drive. And I don't like walking. So, occasionally, I don't really know what mode of transportation to....

Mother · Cheryl · Mother:It's not gonna be funny, is it? / Mom, please. / That's what he does.

Larry · Jeff · Larry:Once you've got the outfit on, you might as well wear it to its completion. / Maintain the outfit. / 'To its completion.'

Larry · Jeff · Larry · Jeff · Larry · Jeff · Larry:Killed herself. / No, she didn't. / Killed herself-- / Why? / Nobody knows, she didn't leave a note. / That is so rude, isn't that? / That's really rude.

Larry:If you leave your house for 10 minutes to get a container of milk you tell somebody where you went. I let my wife know before I go anywhere. Would it have killed her to leave a note?

Cheryl · Larry:He broke up with her last night and.... Isn't that awful, Larry? -What kind of timing.... It's unbelievable.

Cheryl · Larry:If your aunt died, I would be right by your side to support you. / If my aunt killed herself, I'd encourage you to leave the house.

Larry:Can't go on. Must go on.

Uncle:I once performed for Norman Cousins in his hospital room when he was on his deathbed. He requested me to do five minutes. And I bombed, actually, and he got much worse and he had to watch some Marx Brothers movies to actually resuscitate him

Craig · George · Gladys:I have unlimited mileage, I can drive anywhere. / He knows what he's doing. It's right around the corner, he'll find it. I'm sure he will. Gives him pleasure to use the rental car anyway.

Uncle · Gladys · Uncle · Barbara:How many can I get in my mouth at a time? / Six. / You say six? / Five. Three, four.

Uncle:'Look what they did to my Santino. Gladys, George, look what they did.'

Becky:He just kept repeating something about not being happy. We could've worked through that.

Larry:No, we just, you know... he talked about Aunt Louise and the minibar.

Larry · Store clerk:You need a scissor to cut the paper, right? / To cut the paper, yeah. / And scotch tape, too, right? / Right. / Do they sell all that in the same store? / No, I don't believe they do.

Larry:How many stores are we talking about?

George:'Devoted sister, beloved cunt'?

George:The woman leads a decent life and this is how she ends up? 'Beloved cunt'?

Gladys:I'm just glad you weren't in charge of the headstone!

Becky:'It wasn't her mother who died, it was just her aunt. You should break up with her today. You don't look happy, you should break up!'

Larry:I told him to wait till he got back to Tallahassee! I didn't say to do it last night at the wake.

Larry:He's a bad guy, I was doing you a favor!

Larry:I don't give a shit.

Jeff's mother · Larry:What kind of present is that? Not wrapped nicely. / Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I looked in stores, I couldn't find any wrapping store. There's no wrapping stores anywhere?

Larry · Jeff's mother:Elizabeth Taylor wears glasses. She has the exact same glasses! / I can't use 'em. I have a prescription in my lenses.

Jeff · Jeff · Larry · Jeff · Larry:'Louise Hoenin, devoted sister, beloved cunt'? / What? It says that in the paper? Let me see this. / That's unbelievable! / I know! You said 'aunt,' I wrote down 'aunt'! That's bullshit!

Jeff:What are they gonna say? 'We're sorry we called her a cunt, we meant aunt'?

Jeff:Do me a favor. When I die, let someone else handle the obit, okay?

Jeff:You copped a feel off my mom, you gotta go.

Jeff:She said, 'Larry touched my bosom for several seconds.'

Larry:She was looking in the toaster and I was holding the toaster... she wanted to get a better look at her face in it and she leaned against the back of my hand... and so, I didn't want to just turn.... I didn't want to hurt her feelings by taking it away fast.

Larry:She rubbed up against the back of my hand! I didn't do anything!

Larry:I'll dream about fucking your mother. 'Sweet dreams.'

Larry · Jeff · Larry:Even when I was dating, I would wait four months before I would try and make a breast move, you know? / I understand. / Not in their kitchen, in front of their daughter-in-law and son--

Jeff · Larry · Larry:That's called 'Indian giving.' / I know what it's called. / It's a very racist term, but I'm okay with that.

Larry:Wake him up, get him out, that's my room.

Hotel clerk:The room's paid for through tomorrow. The cards have been run for this evening. He's authorized to be there till 11:00 a.m. tomorrow, check-out time. Our manager will work out the bill with you, if you come back tomorrow at 10:00.

Larry:I'm Frank Sinatra, Jr., you're turning me away tonight? Jr. walks in and you turn him away? The Pope is being shooed out into the street. Are you going to shoo The Pope out?

Larry · Hotel clerk · Larry · Hotel clerk:Elizabeth Taylor sunglasses. / They're very nice-- / Elizabeth Taylor wears these sunglasses. / Thank you, sir, I wear prescription. Thank you very much.

Craig · Larry · Craig · Larry:Thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it. / I did not rat you out. / You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything. / That's your problem.

Larry:Can I interest you in some sunglasses?