The Reunion

Larry · Jeff:AUNTIE RAE GAVE ME-- SHE GAVE ME THE FINGER AS SHE WAS DRIVING AWAY. YEAH. DID SHE REALLY? OH GOD. 'FUCK YOU, LARRY.'

Larry:THOSE REUNION SHOWS, THEY'RE SO LAME, REALLY. THEY NEVER WORK. THE ACTORS ARE 10 YEARS OLDER. IT JUST DOESN'T LOOK RIGHT.

Larry · Jeff · Susie:YOU ARE A PICTURE OF HAPPINESS. SHE DOES HAVE A VERY GOOD DISPOSITION. SHE'S BUBBLY. WOULDN'T YOU SAY THAT? BUBBLY. YEAH, I THINK SO.

Susie · Larry:WHAT ARE YOU, A FUCKING DOCTOR? HOW DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS? I'M A HYPOCHONDRIAC, SO I'M AWARE OF THIS STUFF.

Larry · Cheryl:I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I'VE RUN INTO YOU IN, WHAT, THREE WEEKS?

Cheryl · Larry:MY GOD. YOU HAVE TO WRITE A PART FOR ME. OH HO, YOU'VE GOT IT. OKAY. I'M NOT KIDDING. YEAH. I'M NOT KIDDING. YOU'RE NOT KIDDING. OKAY, FINE. NO, I'M NOT.

Cheryl · Larry:OH, I'M JUST-- I'M DOING PILATES, I'M LEARNING JAPANESE AND I'M INTO THE LAKERS. I AM FINALLY APPRECIATING-- NOW YOU'RE INTO BASKETBALL? AFTER I LEAVE?

Cheryl · Larry:I'M SURE YOU WILL. WHY WOULDN'T YOU? WHY WOULDN'T I? YEAH.

Actor · Larry:REALLY? 'CAUSE I CAN TRY IT A DIFFERENT WAY IF YOU WANT ME TO. I CAN-- NO, DON'T CHANGE A THING. IT'S PERFECT.

Jerry · Julia · Michael · Larry:[Dream sequence with cast praising Larry]

Michael Richards:WELL, IT'S MAKING ME A BIT DIZZY, BUT I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, LARRY.

Jason · Jerry · Julia · Larry:YEAH, AND THAT NEW LINE-- THE KUMQUAT AND THE QUAIL? YOU'RE AMAZING. YEAH, AMAZING. AMAZING. YEAH, YOU'RE REALLY UNBELIEVABLE, LARRY.

Larry:IN THE 11 YEARS SINCE THE SHOW'S BEEN OFF THE AIR, HE'S GOTTEN MARRIED, DIVORCED AND NOW HE'S GONNA TRY TO GET HIS WIFE BACK.

Jeff:I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO. YOU'RE SO FULL OF IT. WE'RE SITTING UP THERE, YOU SAY, 'I'LL DO IT,' AND I'M GOING 'REALLY? YOU'LL DO IT?' AND LITERALLY, IT HIT ME THE SECOND WE WALKED OUT OF THAT MEETING.

Jeff:PRETTY FUCKING BRILLIANT IF YOU ASK ME.

Jerry · Larry:WHENEVER A SITCOM DOES A REUNION EPISODE YOU SAY, 'ISN'T IT PATHETIC?' DESPERATE, PATHETIC. DESPERATE? WHEN WE WOULD WATCH SHOWS-- OTHER SHOWS-- WE'D SEE THEM DO REUNION SHOWS, YOU WOULD LOOK AND YOU'D MAKE THAT FACE-- YOU KNOW, THAT VERY JUDGMENTAL FACE OF YOURS...

Jerry:I KNOW, BUT IT'S LIKE YOU'RE GOING BACK TO AN OLD GIRLFRIEND AND SAYING 'HEY, MAYBE I CAN MAKE IT WORK NOW, 10 YEARS LATER.' DOES THAT EVER WORK IN ANY RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU CAN THINK OF?

Larry · Jerry:ROBERT WAGNER AND NATALIE WOOD. HOW ABOUT THAT? THEY GOT DIVORCED AND THEY GOT BACK TOGETHER. AND THEN SHE SLIPPED OFF THE BOAT AND DIED. SO HOW DID THAT WORK OUT?

Jerry · Larry:AND CHRISTOPHER WALKEN? HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING ON THE BOAT.

Jerry:YEAH. I CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.

Larry:Because we'll do it in a way that won't be lame. We will.

Jerry · Larry:YOU KNOW WHO'D BE GREAT FOR THAT IS MEG RYAN. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YES, MEG RYAN. MEG RYAN? I SAW HER IN THIS THING THE OTHER NIGHT. SHE GOT UP AND TALKED, SHE LOOKS GREAT. SHE'S FUNNY. SHE'S GREAT.

Jason:HE IS A-- YOU KNOW, HE'S A JERKY, SCHMUCKY LITTLE CHARACTER. ALL RIGHT? HE'S JUST A BUFFOON.

Jason · Larry:BECAUSE HE'S SELFISH, HE'S STUPID, HE LIES... HE'S NOT STUPID. ...HE'S ABRASIVE, HE'S INEPT. HE'S FUNNY. EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID IS FUNNY.

Jason · Larry:IT COULD MAKE UP FOR THE FINALE. THAT'S FOR SURE. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? 'MAKE UP FOR THE FIN'-- THERE'S NOTHING TO MAKE UP FOR.

Larry · Jason:YOU DON'T NEED TO CONCERN YOURSELF SO MUCH WITH WHO'S PLAYING GEORGE'S WIFE. IT'S NOT CONCERN. I'M EXCITED. NEXT THING I KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA BE-- WHAT, YOU'RE GONNA BE WRITING WITH ME.

Jason · Larry:WHAT, ARE WE FAVORED NATIONS ALL OF A SUDDEN FOR LUNCH? NO, BUT WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL IF WE BOTH LEAVE THE SAME AMOUNT?

Larry:[Larry's elaborate tip secrecy ritual]

Jason:NOW I'M FOLDING THAT NUMBER AND I'M PUTTING IT INSIDE MY LITTLE LEATHER CHECK HOLDER.

Julia:I HAVE TO TELL YOU, LARRY, I'VE NEVER SEEN A REUNION SHOW THAT WAS NOT TACKY. YEAH, I-- I MEAN, EVERY TIME YOU SEE ONE OF THESE REUNION SHOWS, IT FEELS LIKE THEY'RE DOING IT FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

Julia:I've never seen a reunion show that was not tacky.

Julia · Larry:IS IT CHOMPING OR CHAMPING? I THINK IT'S CHOMP-- CHAMPING? WHAT IS CHAMPING? I THINK IT'S SPELLED 'CHAMPING' BUT PRONOUNCED 'CHOMPING.' NO, IT'S SPELLED 'CHOMPING' AND IT'S PRONOUNCED 'CHOMPING.' NOT SO SURE. I'M SO SURE.

Gracie · Larry:NO, I DIDN'T GO TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY. REALLY? YEAH, REALLY. THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR MOTHER SAID. I DIDN'T GO TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY. HUH. INTERESTING.

Larry · Michael:HUH? DO YOU LIKE THAT IDEA? HUH? YEAH. GOOD IDEA, RIGHT? OH, YEAH. I MEAN, AM I CRAZY? TELL ME. WHAT DO YOU THINK? HMM? YEAH. AM I CRAZY? HMM? AM I CRAZY? DO YOU THINK I'M CRAZY? I DON'T KNOW.

Larry:OKAY, I'M GLAD YOU SAID THAT. I'M GLAD YOU THINK I'M CRAZY. THAT MEANS IT'S A GOOD IDEA. IF YOU THINK IT'S A CRAZY IDEA, THEN IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

Larry · Waiter:WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME HOW MUCH TIP THE GUY I WAS WITH LEFT YOU? OH. WE DON'T DO THAT. YOU DON'T DO WHAT? WE DON'T SHARE THAT INFORMATION WITH CUSTOMERS.

Larry:JUST SCRATCH YOUR FACE WITH YOUR FINGER IF IT WAS OVER $12. GO AHEAD, JUST SCRATCH IT. WAS IT OVER $12?

Larry:LET ME ASK YOU WAS IT OVER $15? JUST TUG ON YOUR TIE UP HERE. WAS IT OVER $15?

Larry:YEAH, IF IT'S OVER $30, I WANT YOU TO RAISE THAT CUP OVER THAT POT.

Jeff · Larry:WHO SAVED HER LIFE? WHO SAVED HER LIFE? CAN YOU-- I SAVED HER LIFE. YOU SAVED HER LIFE. DR. DAVID. DR. DAVID. PAGING DR. DAVID.

Larry · Cheryl:AND YOU... ARE GONNA PLAY GEORGE'S EX-WIFE. I AM? DO YOU WANT TO? OH MY GOD! HUH? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Larry · Jeff:LOOK AT THIS. YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING. CAN YOU BELIEVE THESE SEATS THIS GUY GAVE US?

Jeff · Larry:OH, HE DOES HAVE COURTSIDE SEATS. HE'S SITTING IN THEM-- HE AND DAVID SPADE. WHAT? HE'S SITTING NEXT TO DAVID SPADE.

Larry · Jeff:HE SCREENED MY CALL. HOW DO YOU KNOW HE SCREENED YOUR CALL? I SAW HIM ON THE BINOCULARS. HE SCREENED THE CALL. YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT PEOPLE WERE DOING THAT WHEN I CALLED THEM. THIS JUST CONFIRMS IT.

Julia:IT IS TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE THAT YOU WOULD GRILL MY DAUGHTER GRACIE ABOUT WHETHER I TOOK HER TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY. AND THEN YOU CALL ME A LIAR?

Julia · Larry:DO YOU ALSO FIND IT INTERESTING THAT, IN FACT, I HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS? GRACE AND MARY. I TOOK MARY TO THE BIRTHDAY PARTY. THAT'S INTERESTING.

Jason · Larry:A TIP IS A SOLO, LARRY. NO, IT'S NOT! THANK YOU. THANK YOU. SOLO. YOU TIP IN CONCERT! A TIP IS A SOLO. WHAT IS THE BIG SECRET? HE'S GOT A BIG SECRET! WHAT IS THE BIG SECRET?!

Jeff · Larry:YOU CAN'T GIVE A BEGRUDGING APOLOGY. YOU'VE GOTTA GIVE A SINCERE APOLOGY. I'LL GO SOMEWHERE BETWEEN BEGRUDGING AND SINCERE. HOW'S THAT? SOMEWHERE BETWEEN? WHERE BETWEEN?

Larry · Jerry:IF I FUCK UP THE APOLOGY, THEN I'LL APOLOGIZE FOR THE BAD APOLOGY. YOU CAN'T APOLOGIZE FOR AN APOLOGY! YOU GET ONE SHOT, THAT'S IT.

Larry · Susie:NO 'THANK YOU, LARRY, FOR SAVING MY LIFE'? SAVING MY LIFE? HOW'D YOU SAVE MY LIFE? YOU DIDN'T SAVE MY LIFE. I DIAGNOSED YOUR ILLNESS.

Larry · Susie:NEXT TIME I'M NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING, OKAY?! I'M GONNA KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND LET YOU DIE! YOU WANT ME TO DIE? GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'VE GOT A LITTLE SPOT ON YOUR FOREHEAD. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. DON'T GET IT CHECKED OUT. IT'S NOT SKIN CANCER.

Larry · Sandy:IT'S ABOUT AS SORRY AS I CAN GET. I GUESS MY QUESTION IS: WAS IT SORRY ENOUGH? THAT'S IT? NO GOOD? TOO BEGRUDGING? VERY BEGRUDGING.

Sandy:I WANT TO PUT THE KIBOSH ON OUR RELATIONSHIP. I CAN SEE WHERE THIS ROAD IS GOING AND I DON'T LIKE IT, SO WE'RE DONE. THE REUNION SHOW IS OFF.

Larry · Sandy:HAVE YOU BEEN IN ANY TALL GRASS RECENTLY? IN THE HAMPTONS OVER THE WEEKEND, YES, WITH MY KID. WHY? NO REASON.

Sandy · Larry:LARRY, YOU SAVED MY LIFE. AH. NOW GO DO WHAT YOU DO. OKAY. OKAY.

Cheryl:LARRY, I WANT YOU BACK. LET'S GO HOME AND MAKE LOVE.

Jerry · Larry:AND I SAID, 'YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY OUR DREAM CAST FOR GEORGE'S EX-WIFE.' And she's gonna do it! WHAT? I'm gonna put her on. Hold on.