The Corpse Sniffing Dog

Larry · Phil:When did you start losing it? I started losing when I was 15. 15, wow, earlier than me, yeah.

Larry · Phil:No convertibles. Oh, God, I hate that. Oh, absolutely. 'Cause you have to wear a hat if you're gonna be in a convertible, and then you look like you're trying to hide something.

Larry · Phil:They wear it all the time, and they'll meet a girl then they'll show up on a date. Are they gonna take the hat off? Wear it? They have a terrible decision... Then the girl is gonna be, like, 'I didn't know you were bald.' 'You misrepresented yourself.' 'You're a liar.'

Larry · Phil:I'm surprised Hitler didn't round up the toupee people. If I'm going to be a sick megalomaniac, to round up people who I hated, they would be on my list.

Larry · Phil:I would say, 'Get the toupee people.' Absolutely. I'd have my henchmen going around tugging at people's hair.

Larry:If it comes off... 'Balden,' come with me. Ach, 'Balden.'

Larry:Ah-hh! Does that bother anybody when I make a noise like that? Is anybody disturbed by that? And why should you be? What is it? So what?

Cheryl:It's a corpse-sniffing dog. They got it from the fire department.

Cheryl:It's like having a person there who barks.

Larry · Cheryl:He's like an elephant sticking his head in a pond. Why are you watching this? Ugh... this routine. Stop it. Um-um. No, I'm sorry, no.

Larry · Stu:The cork is dry. We need to send this back. Don't send that back. Feel the cork. I don't give a shit. You don't even have to taste it.

Larry:At $140 a bottle, I don't want 'fine.' 'Larry couldn't possibly tell... No, Larry, Larry, come on, you can't. Larry's not sophisticated enough to know...'

Larry · Stu:I'll get you a nice spritzer. A spritzer.

Michael:When I was on 'Seinfeld' I wasn't allowed to talk about 'Seinfeld.' I'm not allowed to talk about anything I'm doing. I bore her, she bores so easily.

Cheryl · Larry:Larry only likes him because he's bald. That is so... No, that's true. What makes you say that, Cheryl? He told me. He goes, 'I found this guy, he's great. He's bald.'

Larry:I did hire a bald man, but... And only because he's bald. No, no, no.

Larry:Why... why do I have to thank you?

Larry:Well, you can call it our money, but for the sake of discussion, he's the one who goes to work and earns the money. You don't work.

Larry · Cheryl:Loving you is my job. I earned the money. It's just a fact.

Larry · Michael:Hey, you know me, I don't like to complain. Oh, yeah. I think you know me well enough to know that by now.

Larry · Michael:We want a little pee privacy, do we not? Yeah, privacy. I'm absolutely with you. You don't want someone looking down at your thing.

Michael · Larry:This is not gonna be that kind of crowd. This is a high-class restaurant, Larry. Still people go off to the side. They've got the 45° angle things.

Jeff:My family's dog, not my dog. This dog kills me, I'm so allergic to it. I have to hang with it today 'cause Susie's got some stuff to do with tiling at the new house.

Larry · Michael:What's he got? Did somebody drop some meat or something? No, that floor is spotless for the health inspection. Looks like he smells something.

Larry:Isn't he a corpse-sniffing dog?

Fire Marshal · Larry · Michael:There will have to be an investigation, and we'll have to tear up the floor. Oh, come on that's ridiculous! How long will that take? I don't know. Oh, this is a nightmare.

Larry:I'm telling you, I'm gonna take my money out of this place. What if there's a dead body under there? We're fucked. No one will ever come to the restaurant where they found a body.

Michael:We're fucked. No one will ever come to the restaurant where they found a body. It'll be in the papers. We're fucked. If there's a dead body underneath there, we are fucked.

Larry · Jeff:You know the Braudys? That guy who smashed into Alanis Morissette? Oh, that idiot. Yeah, that guy.

Larry:It's nice to be affectionate to something German. You don't get the opportunity that often, you know?

Sammy · Jeff:Mmm... Oscar. What I'm saying is, if you say Oscar, Daddy won't be here. I know. You know? Mm-hmm. But you're choosing Oscar. I'm your dad. I just love that dog.

Fire Marshal · Larry:What does he got there? Holy shit. What do you got there? A bra? Is that it? Is there more?

Larry:He's a bra-sniffing dog. He's a good bra-sniffing dog.

Larry · Construction worker:can we get the splash guards in the urinal now? What do you think? I'll have time for that. That's good, Larry. We'll get the splash guards. Blessing in disguise.

Jeff · Larry:A dog! She chose a fucking dog over her own father. You sat down, you laid it out? I told her, 'Daddy's sick. He can't stay in the same house with Oscar.' She wants Oscar! She wants the dog!

Jeff · Larry:A bra? What the fuck's wrong with that dog? He's a bra-sniffing dog. A bra-sniffing dog? What the fuck?

Larry · Sammy:Believe me, I know as much about this as the next guy. Come on. No. Too fruity. And a tad on the oaky side. What does 'oaky' mean? It tastes a little like a tree.

Larry · Sammy:Put him in a cage and you can torture him a little bit. They're boring. But you torture them. It's not boring if you torture them.

Sammy:I don't want Oscar. I want Daddy.

Larry · Susan:I enjoyed the chicken very much. I was surprised at how good it was, actually. Very funny, that's very funny.

Larry:I guess you'll have to continue to wait if it's a thank you that you're waiting for. Because a thank you is just a little more than you can handle.

Larry · Kid:Because you haven't worked a day since you got out of college. You've never held a job... Hey, look it's a dog. Doggie! Oh, he's so cute.

Jeff · Larry:She's slurring her words, she's bumping into things, she stinks like a fuckin' wino! Oh, I poured some of your... I had poured some wine. Oh, she must have accidentally... a seven-year-old kid drank some wine?

Larry · Jeff:I thought she had a speech impediment. You've known the kid since she was born, and she suddenly develops a speech impediment? That's what was so puzzling to me.

Larry:I don't know what got into me. I was so wrong about that. You're married, you're a couple. of course you get thanked. It's a 50/50 thing. So what if he works and you don't? That has nothing to do with it.

Larry · Susan:Well, it's a long story, but when her daughter told me I could have the dog, she was quite drunk at the time, unbeknownst to me. Drunk? How old is this girl? Seven.

Susan · Larry:Oh my God, I just knew it. And as long as I'm here, I'll take the dog. As long as you happen to be here, you'll take the dog back?

Susan:Well, Larry, go back and tell her to have another drink. Because she's not getting her dog back, okay?

Susan · Larry:Oscar! You...! Oscar! Oscar, you come back right...! Larry, you piece of shit! Thank you, thank you very much!

Cheryl:Why'd you bring the dog back?