The Benadryl Brownie

Larry · Richard:What do you think of this color? / I don't like... it's too flashy. / She's a Christian Scientist and... / She's a what? She's a Christian Scientist?

Larry · Richard:Did you just say, 'Oh, dear'? / Yeah. / I don't think you've ever said that in your entire life.

Larry · Richard:No one's ever told me they were dating a Christian Scientist. / I've been saving it. / If anything called for an 'Oh, dear'...

Larry · Richard:You can't hear a radio when you go in a tunnel. / Yes, you can, FM. You're an idiot. / I never listen to FM.

Larry:That's right, my friends for a change.

Richard · Larry · Deborah:I can't eat this steak without some ketchup. / You don't ask a chef for ketchup. / Why is it insulting? It's ketchup.

Richard:This is good food. It's like a truck-stop thing.

Larry · Richard:You know what? I am never having you guys over for dinner again. / Why? What did I do wrong? / It's exhausting, it's just exhausting.

Larry · Jeff:I'm not gonna fire him. / Why not? / I don't know, he's black, I don't want to fire him.

Jeff · Larry:You don't want to fire a black guy? / No, I don't want to fire him. / That's crazy! / It's ridiculous! / Who cares what he is? / If he sucks, he sucks.

Larry · Jeff:Well, maybe we should play Scrabble. / That's a bad joke, right? / Yeah, it is a joke, I mean, I don't... / Scrabble?

Larry:You want to sit Shiva? / Why don't we play Twister, would you be happy? / Let's go upstairs and all get under the covers and sob.

Richard:You feel perfectly... you're almost cold like a corpse.

Richard · Larry · Jeff:I told you when I spoke to you on the phone that... / No, you didn't. / What, are you kidding? / What are you talking about? / He did, I was standing right next to him when he called you.

Jeff:A praying mantis can use that goddamn phone!

Jeff · Larry:You're such a fucking idiot, how can you do this? / She's not looking well... / Cell phone, you fucked up.

Larry · Cheryl:Scrabble? / I said it and kind of got in the mood. / Let's get it. / Really? You want to play? / I'm all over it. Let's go.

Larry · Mike:I'm sorry, but I got five remotes, nothing's working. Just be honest, man. 'Cause I'm black, right? Right?

Larry · Mike:It's my wife. She wants... / Oh, dude. / No, seriously. / Please don't go there, man. No, be man enough.

Mike · Larry:Look, be man enough. If you gonna be a racist, be a man, man. / I was a man. What good did it do me? / You're blaming it on your race. What's worse? / I'd rather blame it on my wife than blame it on my race.

Deborah's mother · Larry:Oh, no, no, don't. We're all responsible for our own lives. / I think there's some truth to that, isn't there?

Larry · Richard · Deborah:You should take Benadryl. You'd knock that out in five minutes. / I can't believe I didn't think of that. / I don't take medication. / Pop it in. / 'Pop it in'? / Who's gonna know? / Pop it in? That's a betrayal of my faith.

Larry:Jesus would be very happy for you to look better than you do now.

Larry:Well, why not just pray for the TV? Why even have somebody come in and fix the television? Why not just pray?

Deborah's Mother · Larry:Just in time. We're about to begin the prayer circle. / You've gotta be kidding. Believe me, you don't want me in this. She'll wind up with tuberculosis. / I really got bad karma, I'm not kidding.

Larry:Oh, no, no. Not this arrangement. Let's do boy/girl here. / Join hands. Join hands. / Put her over here. / No, she needs to be over there with her husband.

Larry:Oh, cell phone. / I'm sorry. I just got this cell phone. / Hello? Oh, hey. / Maybe. Who are they playing?

Richard:You know why this is a nightmare? You, my friend. Yes, yes, you. Because of this fucking highfalutin... you gotta go, join a restaurant, have an interest, have them come over and cook peanut sauce...

Richard:If it wasn't for the peanuts, she wouldn't look like a goddamn fucking Venetian!

Richard · Larry:Would you show up at an event... with a person that looks like she has a macaroni salad... about the soul, you love her soul and all that.

Larry:Yeah, know what would match her head? A dress made of turnips and blood, you know?

Richard · Larry:You gotta get a shot and stick it in her ass... / She's not a racehorse. / You gotta get a shot of Benadryl while she's sleeping, or shove it down her throat. / Like a hit man? A Benadryl hit man?

Larry · Richard:Put it in the brownie that she ate. / Wait a minute, why not put it in? / Put it in the brownie? / That's a fucking brilliant idea.

Larry · Richard:First of all, she will never know. I've got news for you. Even if she got better, they would think it was because of the prayer. / That's fantastic. / It was their religion. / Prayer worked. / And you know what? It happened in our house.

Susie · Larry:Jeff brought brownies that I made to a dinner party? / Yeah, at my house. / Larry, I baked those brownies specifically for Sammy to take to school the next day, and they were gone.

Susie · Larry:Jeff stole... he stole his child's brownies, Larry. / You see what we're dealing with here? / He stole brownies out of the mouth of his baby.

Larry:It's a testament to the brownie. That's what you're not seeing. Because they're incredible brownies. If they were mediocre brownies, he wouldn't have taken them.

Larry · Susie:I'll tell you a secret, how about that? Nobody knows, not even Cheryl. / Well, if you'd like to tell me. / I might be losing a testicle. / You're kidding me.

Larry · Susie:It's not The Manhattan Project, you know?! It's just a little... a recipe. / Go get a mix or something! You're asking too much.

Larry:I just told you I'm gonna lose a ball!

Cheryl:You can't do that because the brownie will fall apart. It's gotta be in the mix when you make the brownie.

Richard:My heart is breaking for her big head. It's grotesque. It's like she should be in a carnival on Coney Island, I'm telling you.

Deborah · Larry · Richard:You know, they're not quite the same. / No, they're the same. / Um-umm. / Yeah, yeah. / Um-umm. / Yeah, yeah. / Honey, just try another one.

Deborah:I can't believe that she doesn't know the difference between sugar and salt.

Larry · Deborah:How dare you insult my wife's baking! / There's something different... / All right. / Fine, fine, you know what? Fine. / What do you want me to say, Larry? They're horrible!

Larry · Jeff:What am I supposed to do? / You trying to get a NAACP Image Award or something?

Larry:I fired the black man because he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work... but I know, you know, 'Black man, he can never do anything wrong, and he shouldn't get fired from a job. Black people always do everything right.'

Mike · Larry:You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work. See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on. / Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.

Joan Rivers:I've seen better faces on a hemorrhoid. / When E.T. called home, did you pick up the phone? / Excuse me. / How are things in Loch Ness?