The Massage

Jeff:The problem, quite honestly, has been you, Larry.

Larry:No, not Fox, I don't like their politics.

Jeff · Larry:Don't stare, come on. Oh, my God, look at that.

Jeff:It's called 'scarlet-letter punishment.'

Larry:He wanted to do a stop-and-chat. I didn't want to do a stop-and-chat.

Jeff:You always have rules and phrasings, 'stop-and-chat.'

Cheryl · Jeff:No. Really? Surprise, surprise. That shocks me.

Larry:Kim nails or Kim psychic?

Jeff:Only you could have a bad time in Hawaii.

Larry:Yeah, anybody could've predicted that.

Cheryl:Who's gonna pay to hear a bunch of bad shit? Nobody want to hear that.

Jeff:They can't feel your tension, okay? You're just all wired up.

Larry:I can't hit in front of an audience. You know, I just can't.

Larry:My mother did throw me against a brick wall when I was an infant. Maybe that had--

Larry:I didn't get hurt at all.

Larry:Yeah, she said I was a little prick.

Larry:It's good, it's delicious chi.

Masseuse:Would you like me to finish you off?

Larry · Masseuse:Stop. Stop? Stop.

Mike:What in the God's name is wrong with you? You're nuts.

Larry:I don't know what the hell she's talking about! I think she'll work more on my neck and that'll be it!

Mike:Wait a minute, are you messing around with me? Is this a gag? 'Cause my character goes to a masseuse who wants to give him a happy ending.

Mike:You don't watch my show? You don't?

Mike:What do you mean? Who stops a whack-off?

Mike:You either do zero pumps or a thousand pumps.

Mike:If I stopped at 12 pumps, I would tell my wife. I'd go home and say, 'Honey, I was getting a massage and I took 12 pumps and I stopped 'cause I love you.'

Mike:And if your wife ever finds out, you're a noble man, you made it stop.

Larry:I ran into him on the street the other day and I didn't do a stop-and-chat.

Cheryl:No means no!

Larry:I've got a lump. I'm afraid she's gonna tell you about it! Do you hear what I'm saying? I'm dying!

Kim the Psychic:Yeah, he having sex with her hand! She pump 32 times, then....

Cheryl:She said that you're having an affair with a woman with long, red hair and a tattoo of a star.

Larry:Maybe she's an anti-Semite. I'm sure there's some Korean anti-Semites.

Larry:Because if I just told you the truth about that, it means that I'm just a truthful person who would tell you the truth about anything.

Larry:I'm not a cool guy. You gotta be cool to do that. I couldn't do that. I won't know how, what would I do?

Cheryl:That's true. I don't know, you won't be good at it.

Larry:He's been completely snubbing me. It's not even subtle, it's ridiculous.

Larry:You gotta stop and talk to people like there's so much information to exchange. 'Hello, how you doing?' 'How are you?' 'Good.' 'How's it going with you?' 'Good.' 'Okay, take it easy.'

Cheryl:That's his night? That's why he gets paid, he sits there and waits. It's not a bad job.

Larry:Yeah, I know, and I hated it.

Cheryl:How many times are we gonna talk about Greg?

Larry:I got some leftovers here. Maybe I'll just get him a doggie bag or something. Is that bad?

Larry:No, I'm gonna give it to the limo driver.

Larry · Greg:Just, like, leftovers? There's some shrimp in there and.... There's some rice in there. But I didn't touch any of the shrimp. I divided the rice very carefully. It's all clean, it's all good.

Greg:How am I supposed to eat? There's no fork, there's no napkin. I can't eat this.

Rick:Pardon me for suggesting this, but it seems like you're walking out with our silverware.

Larry:You're upset, the other day when I saw you on the street and I didn't do a little stop-and-chat. You know what, I'm not good at artificial small talk.

Larry:All right, I guess in hindsight I probably should've let the guy eat with his hands. That would've been the better thing to do, right? Just have him get it all over his face and have dogs come up maybe and lick it off him.

Larry:Do you have a tattoo of a star?

Masseuse:How did you know that? Yeah, on my arm, that's wild.

Larry:Yes, Judge Katz. And may I say, 'Shabbat shalom.'

Judge Katz:It seems to me there was an indication that you were gonna do what you wanted, when you wanted because you feel because of your celebrity somehow you can do things without consequences.

Larry:I could work at the temple on Saturday mornings hand out tallises and yarmulkes.

Larry:Temple can be quite grueling, as you well know.

Larry:I swear to God, I'm not lying.

Larry:I didn't beat my wife.

Larry:I didn't beat my wife.

Larry:That was a water bottle in my pants. A water bottle!