The Baptism

Larry · Cheryl:Larry wearing the exact same outfit as yesterday and justifying it by saying he didn't feel like going through the decision process

Larry · Cheryl:Cheryl suggesting Larry's maroon jacket should go to the homeless guy at the gas station

Larry:Larry's passionate defense: 'This is my show night jacket. I wore this on show night.'

Larry:Larry's response to learning about the Jewish groom: 'Really? So am I. They make the best husbands.'

Richard Lewis · Larry:Richard Lewis's outgoing message theft accusation and his elaborate Paris backstory

Richard Lewis:Richard's reliability argument: 'Whose word are you gonna trust, okay? An ex-alcoholic's, or a person who was lucid 24 hours a day his whole life?'

Richard Lewis:Richard's pathetic appeal: 'I don't have a wife, I don't have... My parents are dead.'

Larry:Larry's mock-sympathetic repetition: 'He doesn't have a wife, and his parents are dead.'

Larry · Cheryl:The new answering machine message: 'Hi, we're not in. Please leave a message at the tone. Thank you.'

Larry:You're a small, petty man.

Larry · Cheryl:Larry's baptism ignorance: 'What is a baptism anyway?' 'I have no idea. Something to do with water?'

Larry:Larry asking what 'the average gentile' wears to a baptism

Larry:Larry's conversion observation: 'You guys come to our side, we don't go to your side. Yeah. Jews don't convert.'

Larry:Larry's lobster evangelism analogy: 'It's like, I like lobster. Do I go around pushing lobster on people?'

Larry:Larry's extended lobster missionary work: 'You go to Africa, you travel all over the world. Eat lobster, have some more lobster, it's good. We want you to have lobster!'

Larry:Larry's paranoid ticket theft theory about the 'creepy guy' watching him enter the security code

Larry · Cheryl:Cheryl's logic: 'Why would somebody steal tickets to Monterey?' Larry: 'Why not? Monterey's a beautiful place.'

Cheryl:Cheryl's sarcastic observation: 'Yeah, parking is hard to find at the airport. That's something new, Larry.'

Larry:Larry wondering if the ticket thief 'brought a date' to their flight

Larry:Larry's passive-aggressive commentary to the slow parker: 'Yeah, it's all right, take your time. Nobody's waiting for you. Make a call, have a cup of coffee. And then have a nice bagel. Take a little nap.'

Parking guy:The parking guy's dismissive response: 'Get here earlier. It's not my fault.'

Larry:Larry's complaint about parking lot logic: 'If the lot's full, why do they even let you go in? They shouldn't even give you a ticket.'

Larry · Airport guy:Larry confronting the wrong person about ticket theft and the man's response: 'See, if this were yours, it would say Fucking Douchebag.'

Larry:Larry's follow-up: 'Sorry about your mother.'

Larry · Second guy:Second ticket theft confrontation ending with 'Go fuck yourself.'

Larry:Larry's random grape observation: 'Have you ever had a fresh grape? I've had fresh apples, never had a fresh grape.'

Larry:Larry's fruit ignorance: 'Never seen a pear. Never saw a pear outside of a fruit stand.'

Larry:Larry's random observations: 'Grape works as a soda, sort of as a gum, but I wonder why it doesn't work as a pie.'

Larry:grape works as a soda, sort of as a gum... but I wonder why it doesn't work as a pie.

Larry:Larry's America complaint: 'Did we really need Alaska and Hawaii? They gotta ruin everything. They ruined the continental United States.'

Larry:did we think we really needed Alaska and Hawaii? They gotta ruin everything.

Larry:Larry's geographic purism: 'You have a beautiful Pacific coast, Atlantic coast, that's the continental United States. You don't need more states. We're not the British empire.'

Larry · Others:Larry jumping into baptismal water screaming 'Stop! No, Larry!'

Becky:The aftermath reaction: 'You happy about this, Larry? Is this what you had in mind? You like this, you dick?'

Larry:I thought that he was drowning him. I'm sorry!

Becky:Becky's accusation: 'You didn't want to lose a Jew. You didn't want him to convert.'

Larry:Larry's defense: 'I don't care if I lose Jews. Take them all, I don't need them.'

Dave Levin:Dave Levin's Jewish conspiracy interpretation: 'What you did is a very gutsy thing. As one Jew to another, it's a gutsy thing to come in and step in. A mitzvah for my family.'

Minister:Baptism technical requirements: 'You just kind of started it, but it didn't really work. You need to be dunked three times. You need two more dunks.'

Sheldon:Sheldon's spiritual revelation: 'When I was held under the water, I felt a revelation like it was some sort of message from God that I shouldn't do this.'

Sheldon:Sheldon's conclusion: 'After I came out of the water, I didn't feel like a Christian, I felt like even more of a Jew.'

Becky:Becky's final accusation: 'We're not getting married! You happy now, you son of a bitch?'

Cheryl · Christian family:Cheryl's final line: 'We don't need you.' and Christian response: 'Everything's a big problem with you people!'

Larry · Homeless man:The jacket callback: Larry seeing the homeless man wearing his maroon jacket

Larry:There's my jacket, there's the guy you gave my jacket to!

Homeless man:The airline tickets resolution: Homeless man found their tickets and tried to call them