The Surrogate

Larry:Can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer?

Larry · Cheryl:Don't answer it. I don't want to talk to her... I'm not here.

Larry:I can't believe this woman has to call after every single show... Every... I mean, does it ever end with this lady?

Larry:You would entrust me that? A gift for a baby?

Larry · Cheryl:Get a doll for Betty. It's her baby shower. Well, what about the surrogate? Get her anything?

Larry:The surrogate's standing there like an idiot and has nothing to open? What's the surrogate etiquette?

Larry · Charlie:Because the dog bit your penis? Yes.

Receptionist · Larry:That magazine collection, you really need to do something about that... just making an observation.

Larry:What are you doing, stealing your magazines from garbage cans? I have never seen such a collection of shit in my life.

Larry:'People' magazine. 'Tom Cruise is 40!' 'Emilio Estevez is 40!' 'Good for them, they're 40!'

Nurse:It sounds like you're reading a lot of these magazines you don't like... you got a lot of that stuff memorized.

Dr. Jack:We were going along great, and you kind of spiked a little there.

Dr. Jack:I'm gonna give you a device called a heart halter.

Jeff · Larry:Have you ever made it with an African-American? Yes. Twice. What, the same one twice? Two different ones. Same time? No, same time... two different ones.

Jeff:Big? They could put the Chicago fire out with this. It was... it was a joke. It was like from another planet.

Larry:Larry's practical suggestion: 'You need to see a guard. Did you see a guard? You can't tell by a forward. They're too big, out of proportion.'

Larry · Jeff:I could see how it could be a concern... maybe I can step in... if you're too intimidated to go through with it, I could try.

Jeff:A good friend doesn't do that... I'd rather go to Tiffany's and get you a bowl.

Man · Larry:Yeah, I'm not the valet. Oh, I'm sor... It is possible for black people to have other jobs.

Wanda:So you automatically think the black man is the valet, huh?

Wanda:You would have asked him for a stock tip or... where do you golf?

Larry · Wanda:You've slept with a lot of white men and black men, I'm sure. Is there any discernible difference?

Wanda · Larry:Why would you ask me something like that, Larry? My friend wants to know.

Wanda · Larry:What is that? What the fuck? What are you doing? It's a bug, a bug. I had a bug on me.

Larry:I need a black man to get my car. Is there a black man in the area who wants to take my valet ticket?

Larry · Store clerk:What's the race on this doll? It's biracial. Biracial? Really?

Larry · Toy Store Clerk:The toy store clerk's explanation of the biracial doll and Larry's follow-up questions about Asian-white dolls

Larry:If somebody's Asian, and they marry a white person, are they making sort of a half-Asian, half-white doll too?

Larry · Guest:It's a mulatto. No good? Biracial is what we call it, usually.

Larry:That's actually for the surrogate.

Larry · Surrogate:Larry's extended metaphor about scripts as babies that writers lose to other writers

Larry:You never see the baby again, and it's your baby. And they give it to another writer. And that writer doesn't let you even look at your baby.

Mel Brooks:After three shuffle-ball chains, he's winded.

Irving:Are those genitals? What is that on that bull?

Larry:Oh, hi, Mr. Schwimmer. Uh, this is Larry David. I just want to say... you fucking asshole! What's your fucking problem, you prick?

Larry:Oh, my heart! What are you doing? What is this?

Larry · Road Rage Driver:Larry faking a heart attack to escape road rage confrontation

Larry:Seriously, the guy was... the guy was coming after me with a tire iron. I faked the whole thing.

Masasa · Larry:I've dated both... black men, white men and there really isn't a difference. It's... it's really just kind of a myth. That's a myth? Boy, too bad for the black guys.

Larry · Masasa:I bought a mulatto doll today. Okay, um, we don't really use mulatto anymore...

Masasa · Larry:If we all keep fucking each other, then we're gonna be the same race sooner or later anyways. Let's pray for that.

Cheryl:So you're taking up a hospital bed because you're afraid of some weird guy in traffic?

Cheryl:She's gone into labor. She's here at the hospital, and she's not gonna give the baby up... She said she had a talk with you.

Charlie:Those bastards. The fourth time I've been here, and I still can't get this colostomy bag to fit.

Larry:You can't keep that baby! I was talking about a script. I want that panda back!

Muggsy Bogues:What the fuck?! Why are you looking at my dick?! You looking at me?

Man · Larry:Think I'm gonna steal your car? No no, it's just I forgot to... I forgot to just put the alarm on.

Man:So what, the black man in a suit parks cars. Black man, no suit, he gonna steal your car.

Man:No black man don't want a toy car. Black man want a car with some get up and go.

Wanda · Larry:Well, did you tell him I was black? No. Why didn't you tell him I was black? Larry, you don't know when to play the card.

Wanda:Tell him I'm like a brown-skinned black, not light skinned. Make sure he know I'm real black.

Larry:Can I say that this is fantastic, the magazines? What an improvement, unbelievable... It was the best waiting room experience I've ever had.

Irving:This is Irv Schwimmer. You motherfucking, cocksucking, son-of-a-bitch bastard! Who the fuck do you think you are?!