The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial

Larry · Cheryl:You know what? He owes me $50 from golf. That's $50 you're never gonna see. Never! Never gonna see that 50. Never ever ever ever. You can't ask a mourner for $50.

Larry · Jeff:I am so much closer with Marty than you are. I've known him so much longer. However long you've known him is irrelevant in this equation.

Susie · Larry:Well, that's great, Larry, but I wouldn't take so much credit, because it's not your DNA.

Larry · Jeff:Really? Oh, yeah, I'll be nice the whole day. And then we'll have sex. And then I'll just go back to being the way I am.

Larry:I love these people that come here, they get 10 samples, you know? And it's not right for the woman working back there. She's got better things to do than just scooping out samples for them.

Larry · Dean:You know, you're like a sample abuser. That's what you are. You're abusing your sampling privileges.

Larry:Vanilla! She winds up with vanilla. You got to be kidding me.

Funkhouser · Larry:I'm an orphan. You're a what? I'm an orphan. Orphan? Yeah, an orphan! You're a little too old to be an orphan.

Larry · Funkhouser:You could be 70 and be an orphan? You could be 100 and be an orphan! You can't be 100 and be an orphan. Yeah, you can! Okay. Little Orphan Funkhouser.

Larry · Funkhouser:Look, there's a little drip. Get it! Oh, another drip! Got it!

Funkhouser · Larry:Taking off my shoe. What?! I got money in the shoe.

Funkhouser · Larry:Take the $50! No, I don't want it. I'd really rather not. I don't want that 50 from your sweaty disgusting sock and sneaker.

Larry:Fold it-- that's it, okay. Put it in my pocket. Yeah, okay. Put it in there.

Loretta · Larry:You just brought some ice cream just for Cheryl? You didn't bring none to share with us?

Larry:See the difference? Sin of commission, omission. That's a sin of omission, much better than the commission.

Cheryl · Loretta:This woman that he's talking about is the Dean of Admissions at Dryden School. That nice school we was trying to get the kids in? Yeah. Now, there's a problem with their application.

Larry:Like at night, you tiptoe. That's an unwritten rule. You tiptoe so you don't wake people up. You tiptoe. There's no sign, 'Tiptoe.'

Larry:I'm a great rectifier. That's what I do. I break down, I rectify.

Larry:I've been apologizing to people since I'm six years old on a daily basis. I pretty much have it down.

Larry · Painter:So I'm kinda be charged for what, like a half hour of your toilet time?

Painter · Larry:No, I just don't know where you dragged that thing out of. I mean, you know, that's...

Larry:Hey, Funkhouser. Call me back. No one's taking this 50. I can't get rid of it. I'll be home in an hour.

Larry · Dean:As you know, my wife and I took in a homeless family who were victims of Hurricane Edna.

Larry · Dean:they call me daddy. Oh, really? Yeah, it's really sweet. That's nice. That's very nice. I really love being called daddy. I don't particularly like children, that's why I don't really have any. But I like being called daddy.

Dean · Larry:It's just really refreshing. It's really rare. Saying all that, I am a pretty good person. I did take in a homeless family.

Larry · Dean:Fabric samples. They're so beautiful. What are you doing with the fabrics? Oh, I'm gonna redo this couch. Is this the one I chose? Uh, no, actually. Wasn't that the one that you wanted? Oh, yes, but now I want this.

Larry · Cheryl:Come on upstairs. Go upstairs? Come on. Let me put it in some water. Yeah, that can wait just one second.

Funkhouser:Someone stole flowers that were marking the spot where my mother was hit in her wheelchair.

Funkhouser:I keep track of it. I drive by there 10 times a day.

Funkhouser · Larry:There they are. I knew it! Where'd you get the flowers? Where'd you get those?

Larry · Funkhouser:They wouldn't take the 50 at the flower store! How could you do that?! Why? There are so many of them. So many of them?! They're not there to pick!

Larry · Cheryl:How many flowers does she need? Are these from a graveyard? Not a graveyard. It's a roadside memorial. It's not such a-- come on!

Funkhouser:I am missing one! Where's the third bunch? There were three bouquets.

Funkhouser · Larry:If you weren't my best friend, I would take my bare hands and pop your head off your neck. He's not my best friend.

Cheryl · Larry:I do like that perfume Belle Fille. Belle Fille. That would make me happy.

Larry:You know? You can't sample everything in the world. It's just impossible. We'd all like to try everything. Even though I'd love to, just can't. There's people in line, people got to go places.

Larry:I'd like to be with a lot of women, I can't sample every woman. You know what I'm talking about?

Clerk · Woman · Larry:Sorry, I think that's the last one. I was on line ahead of him. I was ahead of him. Yeah, well, you shouldn't have changed lines.

Larry:You know, there's a way to fix that too. Like they do in Disneyland, you know, how the line snakes around. Go into a deli, you take a number.

Jeff · Larry:This is fucking great, Larry! Now Sammy's kicked out too. Just knowing you is a liability.

Jeff · Funkhouser:You want the flowers? Take the fucking flowers!

Funkhouser · Larry:They should all stand up. That's what flowers do when they're healthy. Stop picking up the petals, okay?

Larry:God, look at these vultures going for that food! These-- these people, they don't even chew. You know, I bet if you threw a quarter down, there'd be a stampede.

Mourners:Do you smell something? Yes, what is that? That's Mom's perfume. You're right. It's so strong. It's like she's here with us.

Unknown mourner:Hey, somebody dropped a 50!