The Smiley Face

Larry · Jeff:Yeah, except she hasn't been here in three weeks. - Well, where is she? - She told me that her father was dying and she wanted to go home and spend some time with him and he hasn't died. He's kind of, you know, lingering.

Larry · Jeff:What if he hangs on for, like, six months? - That's the problem! - You're stuck. - I know, what can I do? I can't fire her.

Larry:You know, if he knew that his daughter's job was in jeopardy, based on hanging on, he'd die.

Dino · Larry:Hey, I'm Dino from Big Dog productions. I'm moving in next door. You can call me Dog. - Everybody calls me Dog.

Jeff:I can't believe you just gave away a cabinet. You never give up a cabinet. Never give up a cabinet.

Jeff · Larry:But you're shitting where you eat. - That's right. I'm shitting where I eat.

Larry · Jeff:But when that happens... - And I will shit where I eat. - Or eat where you shat. - Or eat where I shat. - I've never seen it done.

Larry:Oh, a smiley face. See, I hate that. I told her about the smiley faces. I can't stand it. And everybody uses them!

Larry:What, are they gonna be in newspapers soon? 'New York times' headline: 'Unemployment drops :)'

Larry · Stu:Oh, man, you know, your cheek just touched mine on that hug. - Yeah, I hugged you. - I know, but still, check-to-cheek contact from men-- That's unacceptable.

Jeff:Well, to be honest, things aren't so great with Susie and I right now. I think it'd be best if we'd bow out of Saturday night.

Larry · Jeff:'Things aren't so great right now...' With Susie and I, they're not so great. - '...With Susie and I.' - They're not great. Congratulations. That was gorgeous.

Larry:By the way, things many times are not great with Susie and I. It's never stopped us from going to dinner.

Larry · Heidi:Be careful about the smiley faces. - What's wrong with the smiley face? - I feel like I'm getting a text from a 10-year-old.

Heidi · Larry:Why can't you kiss and talk? I don't-- I don't know, I just feel like eating while you're talking-- - It's not mutually exclusive.

Heidi · Larry:You know, I talk during intercourse too. - You do? - Yes. - I'm looking forward to that.

Mimi · Larry:Sorry. I didn't-- I didn't know. 'Cause I heard you guys talking. You can talk and make out. Well, not if it's good.

Larry · Mimi:That's really not your concern. - I've never heard of that. Okay, now you've heard of it.

Heidi · Larry:Oh, do you have any cash? Just I can pay you back when I see you at the restaurant... How about 60 bucks?

Dino · Larry:What'd you do? You stuffed me into one cabinet! - Looks like it all fit in there. I gave you a cabinet. You took two?

Dino · Larry:When they're done shooting the sharks, they will come back. You want to be fair about this thing? I'll take this cabinet, you take that cabinet and we'll split this one.

Larry · Mr. O'Malley:Do they kind of huddle together and whisper? - No. Do they seem morose? Lugubrious?

Antoinette:Larry, no! You never give up a cabinet. Never ever give up a cabinet.

Larry · Richard:So sorry. No, I was at the dermatologist. And he kept me waiting for 45 minutes. - 45 minute-- Rivkin did?

Richard · Larry:Are you lying to me? - No! - Your voice just went up. - What? So what? - That means you're lying.

Richard:The whole Watergate trial, They went 'no, I wasn't there!'

Larry · Heidi:So you still got the $60. - Yeah.

Larry:I shat where I ate all over Hollywood and Beverly Hills. - I'm down to four restaurants.

Larry:Mr. Chow's-- Out. The Palm-- Out. - Med Cafe-- Out.

Larry · Richard:I will be the Edmund Hillary... - The Ed-- - ...Of shitting where you eat. - You think so? - Yes yes. - The first guy?

Richard · Larry:What's $60 by comparison to intercourse with a woman like that? - Still, it's a question of character.

Richard · Larry:I'm sorry, Mr. Lincoln. - You're a fucking schmuck.

Larry:You get that cabinet back, there'll be a little something in it for you.

Miriam · Larry:But, wait, I am dying to know why in the hell aren't Jeff and Susie coming? - What did they say? - They said that things aren't great right now.

Miriam · Larry · Cheryl:Is he having an affair? - No! - Oooh, you heard it right? - Yeah. - That high-- - Heard what?

Antoinette:My dad just died. My mom-- The last thing he said was 'where's Antoinette?' Guess where I was.

Larry:Huh.

Dr. Rivkin · Larry:As a matter of fact, Antoinette called me recently and asked me to play at his funeral. I'm playing 'Danny Boy' on the flute. - Is that so? - As they lower the casket.

Dr. Rivkin:He recently canceled an appointment with me at the last minute and hasn't rescheduled yet. Have you any idea why such a thing would take place?

Larry:I have to masturbate before I come so I exhaust the area. - It's a whole to-do.

Dino · Larry:These cabinets are mine-- Look! 'For Big Dog only. For Big Dog only.' - Big shit! You put the labels on, so what?

Dino:There are two things about Dog that everybody knows, okay? I am clean and I am fair.

Dino · Larry:This weighs almost five lbs. You eat this? You put this in your body? - Yeah, it's good bread. It has no yeast in it. - It's not bread.

Larry:By the way, I saw the show? It stinks. The sharks are swimming around. Nobody's even-- The sharks aren't eating anybody.

Larry:And you know what? I'm not calling you Dog anymore. The Dog days are over. From now on, you're Dino!

Dino:Take your fucking rabbit food and your goddamn five-lb bread and stick it up your fucking ass!

Heidi · Larry:The sorry window? I didn't know there was a sorry window. - Two years, you're still getting sorries? I don't think so.

Larry:That's like saying 'happy new year' in October.

Heidi:Borrow, return.

Heidi · Larry:Oh, for God's sake. Is this about-- Is this about the 60-- The 60 bucks that you lent me? No, of course not! Although, I mean, now that you mention it. I did give you $60.

Larry:I guess it's kind of, what? In your wallet now.

Funeral Guest:You've got something on your head. I believe they refer to that as a smiley face.

Funeral Guest:They're frequently used by idiots at the end of emails and text messages, such as 'I miss you. :)'

Larry:Well, a disgruntled woman drew it with sunblock and then I fell asleep in the sun.

Larry:How long do you think the... Grieving process might take for her?

Larry · Rosemary:You're shitting me? - Not shitting. - No shit? - No shit.

Dr. Rivkin:What an asshole he is.

Larry · Dr. Rivkin:Yeah, sorry. Sorry about that. - What the hell's that sunburn on your head?

Larry · Dr. Rivkin:If you don't sneak a peek at the penis, I'll-- I'll-- - I don't want to see that.

Susie:You're fucking Antoinette's mother? That's sick!

Larry:Yes, I know, but I shat where I ate. And now I shall eat where I shat.

Heidi · Larry:Is everything okay with your meal? - Did you put something in the food? - No!