Naturama

Narrator:Mutual of omicron... insuring your world, and its destruction.

Fry:I'm born, baby!

Fry · Other salmon:What's your name? I don't have a name. I'm a salmon.

Fry:I do look forward to cavorting in the spray.

Various salmon:Let's all ten of us go together. There's safety in numbers.

Bird:I reckon my boy will be right pleased when I regurgitate that into his mouth.

Salmon Hedonismbot:Whoa! Oh my! Oh dear! Oh yes!

News Reporter:This just in. Three dead in foamy plunge.

Various salmon:Still, six out of ten alive. That's considered good for our species! Five out of ten, also nice.

Narrator:birthplace of all life. Except the salmon.

Fry · Female salmon:I'd like to mate with you in a few years when we're sexually mature. I'd like that.

Various salmon:Coho, what have we here? I'm a pieces. And you? Also pieces. We're all pieces.

Rejected salmon:You haven't ignored the last of me...

Salmon · Other salmon:So how do we find our way home? Nobody knows!

Salmon:Okay, everybody do one of those three things.

Salmon:I can tell by the magnets in my head, or whatever.

Salmon · Other salmon:Stupid body! Why won't you go to that other stream? Nobody knows!

Narrator:I just told you! Goodbye!

Fry:I need a mate who's within squirting distance. I'll never forget you... fish.

Male salmon:Come on, loxy lady, it's time for us to get naughty by nature!

Salmon:Son of a fish!

Salmon:Jumping is for suckers.

Salmon · Bear:Oh, I'm good! Who wants a piece of me? / I'll try a bite!

Fry:Okay, who's next? There's a lot more where that came from!

Fry:I refuse to release anything unless it's in the vicinity of the eggs of the fish I love!

Dying salmon:Tell my offspring I loved me... Very much...

Male salmon:Oh, yeah. Plop those roundies.

Bender Bear:I am brrr, devourer of fish and honey!

Bender Bear:What? It's spawning season! It's a bear holiday!

Female Bear:That is what you said when you found those boy scouts! Next you'll be telling me I can't crap in the woods!

Fry:You overcame salmon instinct and left your home stream for me!

Fry:And the best part is, it had a happy ending.

Narrator:And so the endless circle of life comes to an end, meaningless and grim. Why did they live, and why did they die? No reason.

Excited naturalist:Also the blue-footed booby! That's fairly interesting!

Lonesome George/Hubert:Sad news, everyone. I'm lonesome.

Finch:Would it? Would it? Would it?

Narrator:Except for the parasite!

Hubert:A good beaking usually cheers me right up, but today it's no use.

Hubert:Hey, good lookin', I've got a lichen that needs a lickin'.

Hubert:Ooh... talk about a cloaca shrinker.

Finch · Hubert:It's only 100 feet! At my age, it might as well be 200 feet.

Hubert:Well, let me think it over.

Marine Iguana:What brings yous to this part of the isleseses?

Hubert:Don't be such a Finch. We Galápagos tortoises have no natural predators.

Amy Finch:That's so fascinating!

Fry Finch:I'm not Fry. I'm his great-great grandson... Fry.

Fry Finch:It evolved a slightly bigger hook over the generations, to help me eat the cactus on this part of the island. Watch! I'm stuck!

Hubert · Finches:You haven't aged a day! Should we say something? Nah. Let him have his fun.

Live female tortoise:What the tropical hell are you doing?!

Female tortoise:I'll kill her! I'm going to crack that hussy open like a slutty Brazil nut!

Hubert:You always were a hot-blooded latina.

Narrator:Like all reptiles, the Galápagos tortoise is cold-blooded.

Finches:Um, should we be watching this? It seems kind of personal. That's not an issue for us. We're wildlife.

Finches:Just pretend you're eating seeds. Is it weird if I talk about his crazy turtle penis? No.

Finch · Other Finch:Is it weird if I talk about his crazy turtle penis? / No.

Hubert:Oh, what do you want? I'm 150 years old.

Hubert · Female tortoise:Tortoises don't do that, do we? I sure as hell don't.

Baby tortoises:Mama!

Narrator:200 million years of evolution, snuffed out. For in the end, nature is horrific, and teaches us nothing.

Narrator:the hilarious antics of the elephant seal, The clown of the sea.

Narrator:Certainly not the salmon. And the tortoise? Yeah, right.

Beachmaster Bender:Aw, yeah! Survival of the fattest!

Beachmaster · Female seal:Form an orderly heap on top of me. I like mating with beachmaster 'cause he's the largest.

Female seal:I like mating with beachmaster 'cause he's the largest.

Beachmaster:Whoo! I'm doin' it in my sleep!

Old seal:Harem?! I can barely see 'em!

Insecure seal:Does this kelp scarf make me look fat enough?

Beachmaster · Lesser male:Bite my freshly molted, blubber-filled ass. I'm 40% ass!

Walrus:Once a lady goes walrus, she never... She ne... No one ever goes walrus.

Old Seal:Well, while the beachmaster was off behind a whale carcass, loudly fornicating with my beloved mother, I snuck past and surprised my sweetie with a romantic meal.

Zoidberg:So, welcome to the abyss. Road trip!

Penguin:Yeah, we can always make more. Come on, floozies, let's repopulate!

Sneaky male:I'm in love with you! And I don't care what he thinks. Also, who are you?

Female seal · Sneaky male:Wanna do it? So soon?! Oh, well...

Beachmaster:Well, nice try. Better luck next season. You gave it a shot! Pathetic.

Beta male:We beta males deserve better. When we're in charge, we'll treat females with respect, keeping sensible harems of no more than five.

Female seal · Beachmaster:Beachmaster, stop fighting! He's been dead since yesterday! What?! He's dead?! Whoo! I'm killin' dudes in my sleep!

Female Seal · Beachmaster:He's been dead since yesterday! / What?! He's dead?! / Whoo! I'm killin' dudes in my sleep!

Narrator:For a holographic brain injection of tonight's program, send five dollars to this station, care of me, the narrator.