Zoidberg

Zoidberg:Open your mouth and let's look at that brain. No, no, not that mouth.

Fry · Zoidberg · Leela:I only have one. Really? -Is there a human doctor around?

Zoidberg:Young lady, I'm an expert on humans. Pick a mouth, open it and say-- [BUZZES]

Zoidberg:[BUZZES] What?! My mother was a saint! Get out!

Zoidberg:The female Leela's problem... is purely medical. Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch... and all will be well.

Leela · Zoidberg:Just about the time your people arrived on earth wasn't it, Zoidberg? I'm not on trial here.

Zoidberg:Stop! Stop! I admit it. My people ate them all. We kept saying, 'One more can't hurt.' And then they were gone. We're sorry!

Zoidberg:That heavenly stench.

Fry · Zoidberg:There aren't anymore, and there never will be. More!

Zoidberg · Amy:I think I'll go fill up on bisque at the buffet. / That just leaves you and your fake fiancé... all alone on a romantic cruise.

Amy · Professor · Zoidberg:Don't cry. Nobody knows what happens in a black hole. It's possible she's alive in another dimension, right? / Oh, yes. Absolutely. / Not a chance.

Zoidberg:It's fake, man.

Zoidberg:You gotta spring me! I won't survive in here! I'm too pretty!

Fry · Zoidberg:I'm not Bender. I'm Fry. / I thought you were the robot. / Nope. Human.

Zoidberg:I couldn't tell him. It's fin fungus. He'll be floating upside down by morning.

Zoidberg:Sold your body? Bender, I've been down that road. It's glamorous, the parties are great, but you'll spend every dollar on jewelry and skintight pants.

Zoidberg:They came in last at the Olympics and retired to promote alcoholic drinks.

Zoidberg:Instead of Claus, he writes 'Claws.' Now that's humorous. Today's comedians could learn from this card.

Zoidberg:Finally I look as pretty as I feel.

Robot Santa · Zoidberg:Except you, Doctor Zoidberg. This is for you. A pogo stick.

Zoidberg:Crustaceans don't like steam. I'll work out with the Nautilus

Amy · Zoidberg:What up, Dr. Z? - Yo, yo. What's up? Give up the rock!

Amy · Zoidberg:What's that jazz on your head? - Enough questions. More weight!

Someone · Zoidberg:Is there a doctor in the gym? - I'm a doctor!

Professor · Zoidberg:Much better. You can remove these. - I'll do it

Leela · Zoidberg:Look out! - Moron!

Zoidberg:Give it to me straight. Is it fin rot? It's fin rot, isn't it?

Zoidberg:Moron!

Zoidberg:Catch my drift?

Zoidberg:I want a female swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material

Zoidberg:I used to hang out here as a larva. It looked much bigger then

Zoidberg:Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie?

Zoidberg:We fight to the death over honor...and whether abbreviations count in Scrabble. They don't!

Zoidberg · Bender · Zoidberg:How do I look? - Like whale barf. - Then the illusion is complete

Zoidberg:My face was covered with barnacles

Edna · Zoidberg:I heard you became a rich doctor. - I've performed a few mercy killings

Edna · Zoidberg:Maybe a rock star. - Or a doctor?

Zoidberg:Did you see those guys? They were giant claws with bodies

Bender · Zoidberg:You didn't smell as bad. - You're right. My stink gland is weak. Smell!

Zoidberg:She's not. She just has the largest clutch of eggs

Zoidberg:It's all so complicated. The romance and the lies upon lies

Zoidberg:Now there's a bird involved?

Fry · Zoidberg · Fry · Edna:You just want to talk. - I just want to talk. - That doesn't make sense. - That doesn't make sense. But okay

Zoidberg:You seem malnourished. Do you suffer from parasites?

Zoidberg · Fry:Look, she won't shut up. - It's normal. Just nod and say, 'Uh-huh.'

Zoidberg · Fry:Ask to mate? - Third date

Zoidberg:Me too

Zoidberg:Is it love when you care for a female for reasons beyond mating?

Zoidberg:No. Must be some alien emotion

Zoidberg · Zoidberg · Fry · Zoidberg:What?! - Fry! I challenge you to Claw Plock! - English, please? - A fight to the death!

Zoidberg:Of course I'm being irrational! I'm in love!

Zoidberg:Large bet on me in round one!

Zoidberg:You bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard!

Zoidberg:Oh, my God! The frenzy! Oh, the greatest experience in life and I missed it

Zoidberg:The frenzy is over. How will I get rid of my jelly now?

Zoidberg:I haven't eaten since Tuesday. Bird eggs. Animal slices. Dry woven reeds

Zoidberg:Pardon me. Excuse me. I'll just turn the wheel to maximum fastness

Zoidberg:Pardon me. Excuse me. I'll just turn the wheel to maximum fastness.

Zoidberg:And the winner of the big car race is Hot Rod Zoidberg!

Zoidberg · Leela:We did all we could. You mean he's... Good as new? Yes!

Fry · Bender · Zoidberg:A woman? I'm scared! Thanks to the Internet, I'm bored with sex. Is the space pope reptilian?

Zoidberg:The doctor is in! The doctor is out.

Zoidberg:Leela's experiencing a woman's greatest joy, worshiping a lowlife jerk.

Zoidberg:Three females, a number and a king giving himself brain surgery.

Friend · Zoidberg:What will I tell my horrible wife? I'd be more worried about the tapeworm going to town on your intestines.

Zoidberg:Old friend, don't jump! Use a method that won't damage your liver. Others need it, you know?

Zoidberg:...they give me krill for everyone I send.

Zoidberg:Damn it, jump already! Stop hogging the healthy liver!

Zoidberg:Good evening, ladies and germs. That wasn't a joke. I was talking to Dean Streptococcus.

Zoidberg:Now I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old... but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon.

Zoidberg:Hey, Ringo? That was the joke. It's ShowTime at the Apollo all over again.

Zoidberg:Where would a professor be without students who love and respect him? Right there!

Zoidberg:But seriously, of all the former crew members of his delivery ship... our next speaker is by far the most alive. Captain Musky?

Zoidberg:You, the successor? Over my empty shell! The professor will pick me. Only I have his lobster-like tenacity.

Bender · Zoidberg:Up yours, Zoidberg! Up wherever your species traditionally crams things.

Leela · Zoidberg:Look, the professor trusts me with a giant spaceship. He wouldn't trust you with his dentures. Yes, he would.

Zoidberg · Professor:Goodbye. Professor?

Crew · Zoidberg · Professor:He's horrible! Crud. Can I at least be in charge of your dentures? You wish.

Zoidberg:I lost it. In a volcano.

Zoidberg · Leela:Why do I have to be the hump? Because you're too ugly to be a wart.

Zoidberg · Robot:I've got 'talking hump syndrome.' Ah, T.H.S.

Zoidberg:These sardines, for example, are bland and tasteless.

Zoidberg:Very, very juicy.

Zoidberg:My small intestine. Bingo!

Zoidberg:My Manwich!

Zoidberg:I wasn't wearing it. I was eating it!

Zoidberg:Look at me! I'm Dr. Zoidberg, homeowner!

Zoidberg:Then how about lending your old pal Zoidberg a few bucks, Mr. Millionaire.

Hermes · Professor · Zoidberg · Bender:How did this happen? That's a good question! So that's where I left my cigar. That just raises further questions!

Patient · Zoidberg:Tell me, doctor, how's my cyst? Grande.

Zoidberg:but I have more skill in my claw than you have in your whole body!

Zoidberg:Sure. Butter me up with candy. Well, it won't work, sonny!

Zoidberg:Clack.

Zoidberg:What? Two meals in one week?

Zoidberg:Gotcha! A guinea pig tricked me!

Zoidberg:I happen to have mail-order degrees in Murder-ology and Murder-onomy.

Zoidberg:My next clue came at 4:15, when the clock stopped. Two hours later, at 4:15... I discovered the murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased corpse.

Zoidberg:I'd love to. But first, I have to perform surgery. I kid. I kid.

Zoidberg · Bender:Excuse me, I believe I'm the doctor. Believing it won't make it true.

Zoidberg:That's my joke! I'll kill you!

Zoidberg:Good riddance! Now Zoidberg is the popular one! Yes! Let's all talk to Zoidberg.

Zoidberg · Fry:Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect? All what?

Zoidberg:Tis better to have loved and lost, n'est-ce pas?

Zoidberg:And the mayonnaise wasn't too fresh either.

Zoidberg:Why with all the crying? So, that's where I left my shell.

Unknown speaker · Zoidberg:I didn't know it came off. It was getting a little cramped, so I molted, why not?

Zoidberg · Leela:The fresh air feels good. - Stop doing that!

Amy · Zoidberg:Those were toenail clippings. A feast is a feast.

Zoidberg:Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin your drinking water!

Zoidberg:You Latins are so hot-blooded.

Zoidberg:I found it in the same dumpster, but this one had a live raccoon in it.

Bender · Zoidberg:- Five hundred dollars, you say? - Dog food, you say?

Zoidberg:I should be weeping! I'm not weeping!

Zoidberg:What, now?

Zoidberg:Zoidbee want balloon! Want balloon now! Zoidbee want go outside!

Amy · Zoidberg:Let's buy Internet stock! On margin! Zoidbee wanna buy on margin!

Zoidberg:Earth. What a planet. On Earth, you enjoy eating a tasty clam. On my planet, clams enjoy eating a tasty you!

Zoidberg:Maybe I'm not loud enough. On Earth, everybody is looking for a squid! On my planet...

Zoidberg:So these three parasitic worms bore into a human's head. And they walk up to the bar and then... Wait! Stop! I've got more!

Zoidberg:My whole life I worked on that act. And they hated it.

Zoidberg:But comedy is in my valves.

Zoidberg:My Uncle Harold was a big star back in the era of silent holograms.

Zoidberg:This letter has to be very personal, so I'm writing it in my own ink.

Zoidberg:Norm and Sam and Sadie's boy? Remember?

Zoidberg:Now I'm the most important doctor at the company where I work.

Zoidberg:But my life is bereft of laughter.

Zoidberg:Next time you see me, don't be surprised if I've eaten.

Zoidberg:Uncle Zoid! You look young enough to be thrown back.

Zoidberg:I've been here a day, and already I'm a Hollywood phony.

Harold Zoid · Zoidberg:He's a visionary! Everyone walked out. They hated it.

Zoidberg:Plagues have had better opening nights.

Zoidberg:No! This is one death I won't be responsible for. Zoidberg away!

Zoidberg:If rubbing dirt in your crotch is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Zoidberg:You can also get an ink pouch to help you escape your enemies.

Zoidberg:That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, you imbecile!

Hermes · Zoidberg:Most doctors are rich. - When did this happen? - You're joking, right? That's not funny!

Fry · Zoidberg:He's a weird monster who eats garbage. - Damn right.

Zoidberg:Look! Coupons! I can get two oil changes for the price of one! Now if I could only afford the one. And the car.

Zoidberg:I think I'm a doctor, but that doesn't make me a doctor. These clothes do.

Zoidberg · Unknown:Bad news, friends. My shell ran. - Zoidberg, you idiot!

Zoidberg · Unknown · Unknown · Unknown · Zoidberg:My outfit! It's... - Kind of cool! - I like it! - Me too, now that I'm used to it. Then it was all on purpose! You're lucky to have me as a friend.

Zoidberg:But cross me, and I'll turn on you like that!

Amy · Leela · Amy · Zoidberg:They're beautiful! - You're touching them! I've never seen pearls like this. You're amazing! - I am? At last! Recognition!

Hippie · Zoidberg:Look at the colors! These will go great with my soul. Glad you like them. I've been making fine jewelry for years, apparently.

Zoidberg:So he's not perfect. You don't wanna end up old and lonely like Zoidberg!

Zoidberg:but you still have Zoidberg. You all still have Zoidberg.

Zoidberg · Leela:Hooray! - And don't eat it.

Zoidberg · Others:Hello. Ugh. What are you guys doing tonight? I'm up for whatever.

Zoidberg · President Truman:Great Roosevelt's ghost! Hi-Ya! Ya! Ya! Take this, Mr. President. Sir.

Zoidberg:And I'm his friend, Jesus.

Judge Whitey · Zoidberg:Get him, Jesus! - I help those who help themselves.

Zoidberg:Are you off to see the Professor? 'Cause I could use a heart. A human heart. I need to pump a lot of blood out of my basement.

Zoidberg:And me, zoidberg. No one could have been happier, unless it would have also been Valentine's Day. What? It was? Hooray!

Zoidberg:Aw, bloody chunder!

Zoidberg:Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg.

Zoidberg:But if Zoidberg fixes it, then perhaps gifts.

Zoidberg:Casual hello. It's me, Zoidberg. Act naturally.

Zoidberg:When the professor finds out, he'll tear me a new cloaca!

Zoidberg:Wait. Everyone must know. I broke the professor's bottled ship! And what is worse, I framed my dearest friend, Fry!

Zoidberg:Hurry up with the water. I'm steaming inside my own shell, I am. It's that hot, it is.

Zoidberg · Fry:I've got a degree in homeopathic medicine. You've got a degree in baloney.

Zoidberg:No, it's a fabulous, crab-ulous day!

Zoidberg:Sure, you can be a comedian instead of a doctor... if you want your parents to roll over in their graves!

Zoidberg:Sure, you can go to medical school... if you've given up on your dream of being a comedian!

Zoidberg · Others:That's why I love Earth. You can do what you want, and no one makes you feel guilty... because no one cares. We're not listening! That's what I'm talking about!

Crowd · Zoidberg:We're not listening! / That's what I'm talking about!

Zoidberg:I'm swelling with patriotic mucus.

Zoidberg:Yes, fellow patriots! I ate your flag! And I did it with pride. For to express oneself by doing a thing, is the very essence of Freedom Day!

Zoidberg:[ZOIDBERG MIMICKING THE THREE STOOGES]

Zoidberg:I'm all scuttled out! What? My planet's embassy? They're paid to not kill me! Alley-oop!

Zoidberg · Ambassador Mervin:But I guess I don't belong here any more than I do on our crappy home planet. Sorry. What sorry? Our planet stinks. We all know it.

Zoidberg:No! There's no cocoa marshmallows! And every night, the rats eat a little more of my foot.

Zoidberg:Well, we'll do to you what we did to the Squash men of the Squash planet: Squished them!

Zoidberg:Charleston Chew? You bet!

Zoidberg:It's a lesson, I say!

Zoidberg:I request a satanic funeral.

Zoidberg · Ambassador Mervin:Is it possible that all this slavery and oppression... is schmutzing up our freedom lesson? Take a pill, Zoidberg.

Zoidberg:Yes, I'm desecrating a flag, but to preserve the freedom it represents.

Zoidberg:Wait a second. They do! Because this is my home planet!

Zoidberg:Well, maybe just a taste.

Fry · Zoidberg · Bender:Hey, Zoidberg, get in here! Screw you! Ain't got that. Nope.

Zoidberg:Hooray! I'm a teenage heartthrob again.

Zoidberg:What? I'm gonna revert through all my larval stages?

Zoidberg:Funny story. I just reverted to the age when my siblings budded from me... And my brother Norman split off and jumped in the fountain.

Zoidberg:He always had to be the center of attention!

Fry · Zoidberg:Delivery boy, Phillip J. Fry, reporting for duty. Dr. Zoidberg, soaking in brine.

Zoidberg:In every life we have some trouble. But when you worry, you make it double. Don't worry, be happy! The landlord says your rent is late. You may have to litigate. But don't worry! Bee happy!

Amy · Zoidberg:Were you just singing? No. I was telling you not to worry. I'm not allowed to sing. Court order.

Alternate Zoidberg · Zoidberg:As for me, I design mansions, then live in them. / I'm lying. I'm an appalling failure!

Zoidberg:They're all like, 'Stop spraying me with ink, Zoidberg!' 'Put on pants, Zoidberg!' 'Don't touch our fancy box, Zoidberg.'

Alternate Zoidberg · Zoidberg:Now it's my turn, maybe? / The box says no.

Zoidberg:A fortune, it is. At last, Zoidberg will live like a rich man!

Zoidberg:I ask for rich-guy stuff, and you give me shiny pebbles? I bid you adieu.

Zoidberg · Waiter:Goose liver? Fish eggs? Where's the goose? Where's the fish? Hey, that's what rich people eat. The garbage parts of the food.

Zoidberg:I ate garbage yesterday, and it didn't cost me $300!

Zoidberg:Rich people wouldn't waste their time on this nonsense. Plus, these eggs are gritty and tasteless.

Zoidberg:Yes, it reminds me of a joke I heard about upper-middle-class people.

Zoidberg:Ah. So now I'm in the gutter, surrounded by bums who eat garbage? Money brought me no happiness. Bupkis.

Zoidberg:Oysters Rockefeller here has provided genuine turkey dogs.

Zoidberg:Fry, you have no nose. Your nose is gone. You have no nose on your face. Where it is, I can't say... But on your face it's not.

Zoidberg:Look at that fine Jamaican bacon!

Zoidberg:Late at night it taunts me with its frosted beauty.

Zoidberg:Oh, it appears to be a case of African hydraulic fever!

Zoidberg:Yes! And I have a message for you from Col. Matombay. He says, 'This is from Congo Jack.'

Leela · Zoidberg:Since when are you performing at children's parties? Performing? What? Please, if someone could spare me money to buy shoes?

Zoidberg:Good day, fellows. Someone dumped this invitation in my begging cup.

Zoidberg:Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer.

Zoidberg:The music's bad and you should feel bad!

Zoidberg:The music's bad and you should feel bad!

Zoidberg:Can I? That's my speciality!

Zoidberg:Indeed so. Most indeededly.

Zoidberg:My doctorate is in art history.

Leela · Zoidberg:I laid you off 20 years ago. Woop-woop-woop-woo... Oh, the claws can't flee like they used to.

Zoidberg:Oh, the claws can't flee like they used to.

Zoidberg:Cubert, I felt we needed some father-son bonding time, so I found a couple of baseball gloves and boiled them up for lunch.

Zoidberg · Cubert:Wait! We still have to discuss the facts of life. What are they?!

Zoidberg · Cubert:I remembered you liked superheroes, so I painted you a mural on your wall. This is Father-Man. He fights crime to earn Son-Boy's respect. Is it working? This is sucky! You suck! Who taught you to do three-point perspective? I could make a better mural with my butt!

Zoidberg:Father-Man away.

Zoidberg:Don't worry, I know how to handle bullies. Just pretend like you're pathetic. Help, I'm scared! I wet myself. I'm crying like a baby and I'm soaking in pee, but what else is new?

Zoidberg:Good, 'cause I'm sick of him. I'm serious. He's a terrible person.

Zoidberg:A man can give her a toke of her own medicine.

Zoidberg:Friends, friends, I've got barnacles on my tuchus.

Zoidberg:You mean, like my penis?

Zoidberg:Hand me some more of that cruise director.

Zoidberg:How 'bout I just lay down?

Bender · Amy · Zoidberg · Fry · Alien:My wingwang's gone! My girls! My antennae! My kajigger! My gonopores!

Zoidberg:Let's rewind, shall we? Let's rewind again.

Zoidberg:Now, this I want to see as clearly as possible.

Zoidberg:My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement?

Zoidberg:What, you mean the remarks and the hits? That was just friend teasing.

Zoidberg · Bender · Zoidberg:He was the only one who cared enough to insult me. / I insult you, you fat sack. / Sure, when it's convenient.

Zoidberg · Fry:Fry, could you come in here and help me rub on this new scented body oil? / In a second. I'm eavesdropping. / Please, Fry? Leela punishes me when I don't use enough. / I said not now!

Hermes · Zoidberg:Welcome back, old friend. / I missed you terribly. / You do everything terribly. And I'm not your friend.

Zoidberg:Good old Hermes. When he stops insulting, that's when I worry.

Zoidberg:Such a mild insult. That's not my Hermes.

Zoidberg:Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Nyah-ah-ah.

Zoidberg:Good one at my expense, Hermes.

Hermes · Zoidberg:I still have one thing no robot shall ever have... a good old flesh-and-blood human brain. / Yes, a big, smart brain. Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right?

Zoidberg:Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right?

Zoidberg:Of course, I tried eating you, but your flesh was too spicy.

Mini-Hermes · Zoidberg:'Seriously, though, have you lost weight?' / Yes. / 'Looks like you found it again.'

Hermes · Zoidberg · Mini-Hermes:You? With those clumsy claws? / It's true, old friend. My claws are too clumsy for such delicate work. / 'But mine aren't.'

Zoidberg:♪ I was lonesome for my friend a minute ago ♪ / ♪ when a happy thought dispelled my woe ♪

Zoidberg:♪ and I felt perhaps he'd be a bit less dull ♪ / ♪ if I sliced up his cyborg skull ♪

Hermes · Zoidberg:Zoidberg, I... I know we have never been friends, / but I appreciate what you did. Thank you. / Never been friends? Ouch! What a zinger.

Zoidberg:You acted like a big jerk. You were selfish and stupid, and you don't deserve a wife like Labarbara or a friend like me.

Zoidberg:It's funny because it's mean.

Zoidberg:I'm Dr. Zoidberg. I'm very important.

Zoidberg:That's a lot of deniros. Oh, this 'a Berry Berry bad!

Zoidberg:Look out, penny slots. I've got a system. It's to put all my money in you.

Zoidberg:What? It's full of fat guys in sandals.

Zoidberg:Oh, yes, better. A lonely weekend in my dumpster with a jar of pennies and tears.

Zoidberg:God, it's Zoidberg. I hate to bother you, but... Okay, okay, I'll shut up!

Zoidberg:It's my eight million dollars. God gave it to me.

Zoidberg:This is why you never see a poor person with millions of dollars

Amy · Zoidberg:Zoidberg, what are you doing?! I don't know. I think it's called roulette.

Zoidberg:Let it ride!

Zoidberg:Vodka with a sardine in it, please. In fact, vodka with a sardine all around!

Zoidberg:No! I'm having fun and a sardini!

Zoidberg:But for one brief moment, I made everybody on Mars happy. And if you ask me, that makes me a winner.

Zoidberg · Professor:You mean I'm invisible? No, no, no. Not in any sense of the word. But essentially, yes, entirely.

Zoidberg:You can't afford tissue any more. This is Walgreens brand nose paper.

Zoidberg:No, you snuck in here while I was grabbing a bubble cake.

Zoidberg:Of course, because no one can possibly know what I'm up to.

Zoidberg:So, forever.

Zoidberg:the biggest and onlyest land boat ever constructed

Zoidberg:Hand me some more of that cruise director.

Zoidberg:So, welcome to the abyss. Road trip!

Zoidberg:Here's mine. 'All female employees must pose nude if requested.' Sounds fair.

Zoidberg:Yeahs. You knows, guyses, galses, in that order. Ows!

Zoidberg:Work goes fasters withouts no secondary sex characteristicses at which to hoot.

Zoidberg · Amy:You want to see a picture of my boy? Sure. That's your penis. That's my boy.

Zoidberg · Hermes:Our what? It's a sign of respect, you savage!

Zoidberg:Just don't pick his nose! Ha, ha, ha, ha. What's wrong with you guys? This is comedy gold.

Zoidberg · Fry:Bite my shiny metal ass. Help! I was attacked in my bathroom! By my bathroom!

Zoidberg:Stay off my turf!

Zoidberg:John (bleep) Zoidberg!

Zoidberg:That offer was for a limited time only.

Zoidberg:Because our friend Francis here is in reality a bad murderer.

Zoidberg:Eh, not bad. A hint of vitalis and...

Zoidberg:Say, you got any real soup, or just this schlock?

Zoidberg:Ugh! Schlock and more schlock.

Zoidberg · Lando:And also Captain Tucker. Pow! Whoa! You totally got me, Dr. John. You're hilarious.

Zoidberg:Such a meal to go to waste! And with that... I have closure.

Zoidberg:Not to mention those single socks from the dryer, am I right?

Zoidberg:Oh, no. My deal is doing the thing.

Zoidberg:Oy, now with the horror hair.

Zoidberg:You think that's healthy, try this. I found it growing at the bottom of my hamper. Mmm, so fresh and musty. It's what I do.

Zoidberg:Mmm, so fresh and musty. It's what I do.

Leela · Zoidberg:It means it will hatch into a tiny, little, infant creature unless we cook it first. Hey, Leela, hurry up with those scrambled infants.

Zoidberg:What are you, my driver's license?

Zoidberg:Leggo my eggo, crabbo!

Zoidberg:I hope you'll consider donating the body to science dinner.

Zoidberg:It's not a duffel bag. It's my apartment!

Zoidberg:What?

Zoidberg:So you're in pain and have a bunch of needles? I prescribe acupuncture. Let's begin.

Zoidberg:He's developed Simpson's Jaundice. Ay carumba.

Zoidberg:Wait. I say, 'Yes,' and you say, 'I couldn't limbo before.' You ruined the joke, Hermes.

Zoidberg:Yeah, but did you ever play Jenga? Sometimes you pull one and...

Zoidberg:What started out as a pleasant afternoon of drugs and surgery has not gone as planned.

Zoidberg:Never! Zoidberg doesn't abandon a friend, apparently.

Zoidberg:Crunch all you want. I'll make more.

Zoidberg · Professor:Is this one of those 'no means yes' deals? Yes and no.

Zoidberg:I was only trying to kill the Professor.

Zoidberg:He doesn't have hypermalaria, you idiots. He has yeti-ism.

Zoidberg:Don't lecture me about alien physiology, Conrad.

Zoidberg:I'll be damned, it did make him a double-yeti.

Zoidberg:I was going to tan... once

Zoidberg:I have no protective fat, hair or warm blood. I'm not even legally a mammal.

Zoidberg:Now I'll give you the shot.

Bender · Zoidberg:I can anticipate that the ceiling fan's gonna fall and knock Zoidberg unconscious. Wrong, Mr. Genius. Not that ceiling fan. Aah!

Bender · Zoidberg:No galaxies there. Knock, knock. Oh! Oh! Who's there?

Zoidberg:Mmm-mmm, fish on Friday and human flesh the rest of the week.

Leela · Zoidberg:Flying bananas? / Ha, ha. I will slice them on my morning fish porridge.

Zoidberg:My shell may be tough, like a samurai honeymoon mask, but inside I'm as soft and sensitive as a girl made of custard.

Zoidberg · Leela:Me, me. Choose Zoidberg. Zoidberg a diplomat? The list of things I've heard now contains everything.

Amy · Zoidberg:You may be gelatinous, but not even the Mochi Phantom could perform such intricate motions! / Says you, salaryman.

Zoidberg:The Balcony Club? I have an individual membership.

Bender · Zoidberg:Zoidberg, get lost. I am lost. So long.

Zoidberg:If you want me to not eat, then you should have done the cooking! Snap!

Zoidberg:Scrub-a-dub-dub!

Zoidberg:Who the hell is he?

Professor · Leela · Amy · Zoidberg:While during the same period, we're using twice as much soap in the men's room. I have noticed less body odor. Definitely. Way less.

Zoidberg:Look, I own words that are helpful.

Zoidberg:My friend's ample tuchus is barely out the door, and you're already schmoozing up to his replacement?

Zoidberg:What, you mean the remarks and the hits? That was just friend teasing.

Zoidberg:He was the only one who cared enough to insult me.

Zoidberg:Sure, when it's convenient. But Hermes was always there for me.

Hermes · Zoidberg:Welcome back, old friend. I missed you terribly. You do everything terribly. And I'm not your friend.

Zoidberg:Good old Hermes. When he stops insulting, that's when I worry.

Zoidberg:Such a mild insult. That's not my Hermes.

Zoidberg:Then I'll just take them and, throw them away, shall I, why not?

Zoidberg:Not like dum-dum Zoidberg, right, Hermes? Right?

Zoidberg:Of course I tried eating you, but your flesh was too spicy.

Zoidberg:♪ I was lonesome for my friend a minute ago / When a happy thought dispelled my woe / And I felt perhaps he'd be a bit less dull / If I sliced up his cyborg skull ♪

Zoidberg:Never been friends? Ouch! What a zinger.

Zoidberg:You acted like a big jerk. You were selfish and stupid, and you don't deserve a wife like LaBarbara or a friend like me.

Zoidberg:Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I'll be here forever.

Zoidberg:Look out, penny slots. I've got a system. It's to put all my money in you.

Zoidberg:What? It's full of fat guys in sandals.

Zoidberg:Oh, yes, better. A lonely weekend in my dumpster with a jar of pennies and tears. Sounds good. See you Monday!

Zoidberg:God, it's Zoidberg. I hate to bother you, but... Okay, okay, I'll shut up!

Zoidberg:I don't know. I think it's called roulette.

Zoidberg:Vodka with a sardine in it, please. In fact, vodka with a sardine all around!

Zoidberg:No! I'm having fun and a sardini!

Zoidberg:But for one brief moment, I made everybody on Mars happy. And if you ask me, that makes me a winner.

Zoidberg:Zoidberg's not here.

Zoidberg:You can't afford tissue any more. This is Walgreens brand nose paper.

Zoidberg:No, you snuck in here while I was grabbing a bubble cake.

Zoidberg:Of course, because no one can possibly know what I'm up to.

Zoidberg:Over here with the donut.

Zoidberg · Amy:Sorry, I'm just so hungry. Don't spoil your appetite. You need to eat 300 pounds of cash salad.

Amy · Zoidberg:Everybody say 'fresh shrimp!' Oh... that was a rough ride.

Zoidberg · Professor:So what happens to the hero of our story, Zoidberg? Will I be invisible forever? No, only until you take a bath and wash off this invisible ink. So, forever.

Zoidberg:So, forever.

Zoidberg:Would it? Would it? Would it?

Zoidberg · Amy:Should we be watching this? It seems kind of personal. That's not an issue for us. We're wildlife.

Zoidberg · Amy:Is it weird if I talk about his crazy turtle penis? No.

Zoidberg:Hmm. I don't know, does this kelp scarf make me look fat enough?

Zoidberg:From work, and LinkedIn?

Zoidberg · Leela:♪ Dishes, dishes, dishes ♪ ♪ Cleaning up the dishes. ♪ I'm a singing busboy. No, you're not!

Zoidberg:Hooray! I'm the Fry, with the cool red jacket and the walking on sunshine!

Leela · Zoidberg:I've always wanted to make love by bug-light. Shmoly crap! We've got to get Fry and Leela out of this habitat before they humiliate themselves.

Zoidberg:Mr. Zoo Director, we don't know you and you're facing away from us, but you have our friends caged up and... Dr. Banjo?!

Leela · Fry · Zoidberg · Bender · Amy:Zoidberg and his awful stench. Stanky. Bender and his obnoxious ego. But-but... And what about Amy? Always prancing around in those stupid marmoset pajamas.

Zoidberg:Back! Back, you beasts! Follow me. The one who stinks, according to Fry's delicate nose.

Zoidberg:You were in a zoo!

Zoidberg:'Screwed again, my friend.' (Zoidberg's reaction to being left out of buddy system)

Zoidberg:But, robot, you can't just make up folk songs Like you can a medical diploma.

Zoidberg:Just as I now understand the ape-men of earth.

Zoidberg:I believe the correct plural is octopi.

Zoidberg:I'm sorry. 'octopuses' is also acceptable.

Zoidberg:I do enjoy a well-buttered floor.

Zoidberg:Cloning is a sin against nature! But yes. Follow me to the professor's cloning room.

Zoidberg:Never mind. Here, take this.

Leela · Zoidberg:Zoidberg? (popping)

Zoidberg:Oh, my God, is that a Captain Crunch casserole?

Zoidberg:Oh, my God, is that a Captain Crunch casserole?

Zoidberg:I thought it was one of hermes' exotic lunches!

Zoidberg:One of us must be the bad creature. Is it me maybe?

Zoidberg:Is it me maybe? (growling) aw. (creature reveals itself and eats Zoidberg)

Zoidberg:Just in time for the all-you-can-stand buffet at Chizzler.

Zoidberg:There. My home's all clean except for one part, the inside.

Zoidberg:I need something beautiful and cheap for a lady who is one of those things.

Zoidberg:Perfect! I'll take half a bouquet of daisies for $3.

Zoidberg:I'm gonna snip her off her feet!

Zoidberg:You're even more beautiful from a distance!

Zoidberg:That's just my personal musk. You'll learn to love it. I know I did.

Marianne · Zoidberg:You are a living thing. Right? Uh-huh. Can I have a refund now?

Zoidberg:Don't you get it? I'm crazy!

Marianne · Zoidberg:I like the way you hit! But I don't get it. Most women I've met can't even stand next to me without collapsing.

Zoidberg:Well, some of them didn't have legs.

Zoidberg:I'm smellier than a whorehouse's outhouse!

Zoidberg:The previous tenant was a very prominent raccoon.

Zoidberg:Ouch! I forgot I was a giant crab!

Zoidberg · Amy:We had a wonderful night of love-making in my dumpster. Ew!

Zoidberg:And I, as a renowned ear, nose, and blowhole doctor, could do the operation!

Zoidberg:It's like summer, with a dab of vanilla and honey, or maybe winter with some gravy on it.

Zoidberg:I've never known anyone who wanted to smell so badly,

Zoidberg:But you know what would really stink? If Marianne spent her whole life never knowing the beautiful scent of her own flowers.

Zoidberg:Here, patch yourself up with this medicinal wacky pack.

Zoidberg:There was an accident at the fencing academy. Touché.

Zoidberg:Smell you later.

Zoidberg:Listen, I've got a new job, and, well, I'm going to have to dump you.

Zoidberg:It fell off a man. The man got into a taxi, but the money did not.

Zoidberg · Bender:Friends, I found $10. You found some money? Show me.

Zoidberg:It fell off a chump.

Zoidberg:It's true! He's not responding to any of the sounds or smells I'm making.

Zoidberg:Yum! I mean sad.

Zoidberg:Luckily, I'm an expert at fixing human beak bones. Are you free Friday for an expensive appointment?

Brannigan · Zoidberg:They can call me Captain Uncle. / Uh, I'll go dispose of this medical waste. With a little butter and lemon.

Zoidberg:At times, yes. Though her mood fluctuates like the price of Bitcoin.

Roberto · Doctor · Zoidberg:What's with the jumbo prawn? A colleague. Mind if he sits in? Yes, I do mind! I value doctor-patient confidentiality!

Zoidberg:I mean his butt ass.

Zoidberg:Without treatment, he'll be left with the IQ of a terrier. A Boston terrier.

Zoidberg:What is it... Sorry. Ivermectin. It's a powerful dewormer, okay? Now, if you're done interrupting, we're finished. Thank you... I! Wasn't! Finished!

Zoidberg:No. That's not all. Let me finish speaking for once. [continues] I! Wasn't! Finished!

Zoidberg:They're coming, why not. Who's coming? I don't know. Maybe those guys?

Zoidberg · Beetle:That's what Zoidberg snorted. Does that make me cool? Absolutely not!

Zoidberg:Hey! Don't bogart that glitter!

Zoidberg:I can smell sound. Fry's singing stinks up the whole apartment.

Zoidberg · Bender:Bender, stop! It's me, Zoidberg! Sorry! I can't hear your screams over the tapping!

Zoidberg:Hey! You aren't the only ones who live here!

Zoidberg · Bender:So, Bender... - No. - You and I are the only ones with no family. Maybe we could... - No. - Hang out? - Oh. Hang out, you say? Let me think that over for a... No. No. Oh, sorry. Uh, I thought you were still talking.

Zoidberg:What's not in it?

Bender · Zoidberg:♪ Five golden rings! ♪ ♪ Four something something, three something else ♪ ♪ Two no one cares, and a partridge ♪ ♪ Drowned in our nog! ♪

Zoidberg:None. This is just from the fumes.

Zoidberg · Bender:My species dies when we reproduce. So if I had a family, I'd be dead. Does anyone even care about that? - I sure don't.

Zoidberg:I'd like to give him such a snipping.

Zoidberg:But, he has was been here.

Zoidberg · Bender:Wait. Is kidnapping Santa a good idea, or does it just seem like a good idea because we're intoximated? - It's a good idea.

Bender · Zoidberg:♪ Jingle bells, Zoidberg smells just like rotten eggs ♪ I'm immortalized in song.

Bender · Zoidberg:We're geniuses! - I'm geniuses!

Bender · Zoidberg:You know, Zoidberg, you're only half as bad as I thought you were. - That means a lot.

Bender · Zoidberg:He's dead. We killed Santa Claus. - Uh... You killed Santy Claus.

Bender · Zoidberg:This was supposed to be a fun kidnapping! What do we do now? - We gotta get rid of the body. That's usually pretty fun.

Bender · Zoidberg · Police:I admit it! We murd... - Uh, just, uh, dumping some toxic waste, officers. - Huh. Guess you gotta put it somewhere. - Carry on, night dumpers.

Bender · Zoidberg:Well, at least I have ideas! What do you suggest? - Hm... We could try an acid bath. - That does sound relaxing, but... - No! We'll dissolve Santa's body!

Zoidberg · Bender:You ruined everything! You're the one who wanted to kidnap Santa! - Oh, yeah? Well, you enabled me, so shut up and keep pushing him into the meat grinder!

Zoidberg:Wait. Where's my claw?

Zoidberg:But we danced. And murdered.

Zoidberg:Damn it, Bender. I'm a doctor, not a time machine guy!

Zoidberg:You're drinking out of him.

Zoidberg:I'm feeling 2,000 hurts right now.

Zoidberg:Is okay. Is only water. Just as I foresaw. Wait.

Alien heads · Zoidberg:It is the donkey's Achilles butt. All its vital organs are clustered there. Just like me!

Leela · Zoidberg:Medical Officer Zoidberg, are you reaching for the cake? Affirmative, Captain. Ow! Stick to fish flakes, you overgrown sea monkey.

Guest · Zoidberg:Can you stop eating for one second? If you want me to not eat, then you should have done the cooking.

Frank · Zoidberg:Ah. That takes care of the dishes. You want me to get started on the floors, Hermes? Or should I scrub down Dr. Zoidberg? Scrub-a-dub-dub.

Zoidberg:Thank you, sir.

Zoidberg:That's the best damn show I ever saw!

Zoidberg:Feh! Needs ketchup.

Zoidberg:Humanity? I thought it was a sea cucumber.

Zoidberg · Zoidberg:I'm a doctor. / Stand back, while I deliver the French kiss of life.

Zoidberg:And a note of sour plum.

Bouncer · Zoidberg:You're dressed like some sort of underpaid lobster doctor from outer space. But I can't afford nicer clothings.

Zoidberg:Your fabulous clothing just makes the other 99% of us sad and jealous.

Zoidberg:What? No, I'm just going underwater where the fashion standards are lower.

Zoidberg:It won't stand up to even the lowest setting.

Zoidberg:How about a silent but deadly partner?

Hermes · Zoidberg:Weird. This one looks almost like my father. Zoidberg, you're doing topiary? Nopiary!

Zoidberg:They say it can crank anything!

Zoidberg:His pulse is steady as an abalone!

Zoidberg:Well, your head seems normal, aside from that weird face on the front.

Zoidberg:No! You're a terrible patient!

Zoidberg:I don't know what's going on, but I love circling.

Zoidberg:No, I'm a deep, rich salmon.

Zoidberg:I have a universal male plug. You never know who you might meet.

Zoidberg:I'll give him a smell assault.

Zoidberg:That's the worst picture of me I've ever seen!

Zoidberg:since you came to this hospital instead of letting me treat you.

Zoidberg:Is it a penis reduction?

Zoidberg:Is it a penis reduction? I'm just guessing based on the chart.

Zoidberg:Remember the pain I predicted Professor would live in the last 10 years of his life? Well, they've discovered a miracle drug that'll make it 20!

Zoidberg:Great artists don't let badness stand in the way of greatness. And Zoidberg will prove... Why did you mutter that last part? Because I wasn't that sure.

Fry · Hermes · Zoidberg:Why are you reading my mail, Hermes? Also, I don't remember entering any art contest. I entered you! Zoidberg.

Zoidberg:Ugh. God forbid the driver should get a morsel of fresh air.

Zoidberg:Fine. Fine. I'll increase my driving.

Zoidberg:Fine. Fine. I'll increase my driving.

Zoidberg · Leela · Zoidberg:Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop... / Ugh, what are you rolling in now? Your own filth? / No, everyone's!

Zoidberg · Fry · Leela:You hurt my feeling. / I know Heaven is real because my grandma's there! / You're thinking of Mexico.

Zoidberg:I thought it smelled familiar.

Zoidberg:Decapod 10 is nice, but it smells like a clam's armpit.

Zoidberg:Your Jacuzzi is wonderful! Those jets really get into your crevices.

Zoidberg · Munda:What do you call it? / A roll of paper towels. / Mm! And the bone is the best part.

Leela's Parents · Zoidberg:Beach Boys 'I Get Around' performance

Zoidberg:When my species mates, they die, so I never met my parents. I never got to experience their love, or abuse, whichever one they were gonna do.

Leela · Zoidberg:That debt was supposed to be mine! / I can't believe I'll have my own debt someday. I promise to nurture and grow it.

Leela · Zoidberg:You're stealing my parents! / You mean our parents.

Zoidberg · Morris:Do you mind holding my hand, sir? / Of course.

Zoidberg:I'm afraid... you're stupid.

Leela · Zoidberg · Dr. Judith:But-- but-- How can Zoidberg be related to me? / It defies explanation! / I can explain it!

Zoidberg:Use one of those.

Zoidberg:If I die, please donate my debt to a children's hospital.

Zoidberg:Why don't they just spray us with a tea fire hose?

Johnson · Zoidberg:We'll work somethin' out. / Okay. As long as it doesn't involve money.