The Farnsworth Parabox

Farnsworth:Oh, Lordy Lou! Help!

Fry:I know you've rejected me a lot before, but frankly... I wasn't sure we were right for each other either. But now I am!

Leela · Farnsworth:I think I left my toaster on. / Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys, do something!

Farnsworth:Help, Satan! You owe me!

Leela · Fry:I can't go out tonight... because I have sweaty boot rash! / No spluh.

Fry:Why do you think I'm sitting over here in the stink-free zone?

Farnsworth:Good news, everyone! I'm still technically alive, yes.

Bender · Farnsworth:I could hit it with a shovel. / That's not good enough.

Bender:This one time I pounded a guy into the ground like a stake with a shovel.

Bender · Farnsworth:Ow! You hurt my collator! / I don't care.

Farnsworth:Forbidden! Pretty tantalizing, though.

Amy:Whatever's in there, it's the only thing I've ever wanted.

Fry:In my experience boxes are usually empty... or maybe with a little cheese stuck to the top. And one time, pepperoni. What a day that was!

Bender · Fry:Fry, how can you be so naive? He was joking, get it? / No. / That's what makes it so funny!

Bender:Okay, he wasn't joking. Now shut up and follow me.

Fry:Ow! It's hot! The butter in my pocket is melting!

Amy · Bender:Tangled-up Christmas lights! We can take shifts untangling them! / And unlabeled booze! Wide-mouth too!

Fry:And unlabeled booze! Wide-mouth too!

Leela:A whole evening of TV, gone! What a mockery of justice that I can't take even a little tiny peek.

Leela:Okay, heads I look, tails I don't. / Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! Heads! I mean, all right, then.

Leela:Well, then again, I promised the coin I would.

Leela:Ouch! My lawyer will hear about this!

Fry:I meant your hair. It's all different-y.

Bender:Leela? Oh, there's a woman for you. Always dyeing her hair instead of not looking in a box.

Bender:Clone? Robot? Or long-lost twin? Taking all bets! I also offer video poker!

Fry:It's some guy wearing a Leela costume! Get him!

Fry · Farnsworth:Am not! / It contains a parallel universe!

Alternate Leela:Now look, I am not evil. My loan officer said so.

Bender:Or should I say, 'Evilla'?

Bender:This is awful! Somewhere, there's a more evil Bender than me! I do my best, damn it!

Alternate Leela:I tell you, they're not evil. But don't be confused. They are jerks.

Fry:Oh, wow! It's like that drug trip I saw in that movie... when I was on that drug trip.

Alternate Farnsworth:Baldercrap! I created your universe!

Alternate Farnsworth · Farnsworth:Baldercrap! I created your universe! / All you created was my fist parallel to your face!

Leela:We're exactly the same. I know all her moves. Therefore, I've got the upper hand.

Alternate Farnsworth:Now, now, perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.

Alternate Amy · Alternate Fry · Alternate Bender:Hey! Why can't we be Universe A? / We want A! / It's the best letter!

Leela:All right, you can be crummy Universe A. And we'll be Universe One.

Alternate Bender:Or the Mongooses. That's a cool team name. 'The Fighting Mongooses.'

Farnsworth:Interesting. Apparently the key difference between our universes... is that coin flips have opposite outcomes.

Bender · Alternate Bender:That explains fruity here. I tossed a coin to pick my finish. / Fog hat gray. / Hey! Bite my glorious golden ass!

Alternate Bender:Hey! Bite my glorious golden ass!

Alternate Farnsworth:Nonsense! I would never do such a thing. Unless you were already having been going to do that!

Leela · Alternate Fry:You guys are dating? / Oh, no, no. We're married.

Bender · Alternate Bender:Good point. What do you say we just hit a strip joint? / I was waiting for one of us to say that!

Alternate Bender:Bender A, you're a prince among robots. Can you forgive me for distrusting you?

Alternate Amy:I'm not imaginary, I'm parallel.

Fry:Is that pink nail polish?

Alternate Amy:I am not evil!

Alternate Fry:I'd make up stuff like, 'I have sweaty boot rash'... or 'I have to meet the president.'

Alternate Fry:Oh, man, you never heard such excuses. But, like a dope, I believed her.

Alternate Leela · Leela · Fry:I flipped a coin. / You mean you flipped a coin too? And it was tails? / So that's why you said you had to meet that ghost!

Fry:So that's why you said you had to meet that ghost!

Alternate Fry:One year later I gave Leela a diamond scrunchy, and we were married.

Fry:One year later I got beat up at a Neil Diamond concert... by a guy named Scrunchy!

Farnsworth:Oh, this old thing? I was experimenting to see if I could remove my own brain.

Alternate Farnsworth:Oh, this old thing? I was experimenting to see if I could remove my own brain.

Alternate Farnsworth:Well, getting the brain out was the easy part. The hard part was getting the brain out.

Alternate Zoidberg:Well, don't look into it, but I'm a respected internal-medicine doctor.

Alternate Zoidberg · Zoidberg:As for me, I design mansions, then live in them. / I'm lying. I'm an appalling failure!

Alternate Zoidberg:I'm lying. I'm an appalling failure!

Zoidberg:They're all like, 'Stop spraying me with ink, Zoidberg!' 'Put on pants, Zoidberg!' 'Don't touch our fancy box, Zoidberg.'

Alternate Zoidberg:Someday they'll watch from down in the gutter, they will... as King Zoidberg caresses their fancy box!

Alternate Zoidberg:Someday they'll watch from down in the gutter, they will... as King Zoidberg caresses their fancy box!

Farnsworth:After carefully reading the scriptures... we've concluded that none of us are evil.

Alternate Hermes:Your granny can go to hell!

Hermes:No. Now, like my granny used to say in her tarpaper shack on Montego Bay:

Farnsworth:Your granny can go to hell!

Alternate Hermes:God rest her zombie bones.

Hermes:Like Granny said, 'If you want a box hurled into the sun... you got to do it yourself!' God rest her zombie bones.

Alternate Zoidberg · Zoidberg:Now it's my turn, maybe? / The box says no.

Hermes:Item one: box. Check. Item two: sun. That's a big check.

Farnsworth:Hmm. All women. I'll put this one aside for later.

Alternate Hermes:Plus, this box is stuck on my fat head!

Farnsworth:Yes, it's the apocalypse, all right. I always thought I'd have a hand in it.

Bender:I'm not sad, because I finally found someone as great as me.

Bender · Alternate Bender:It's like I always say, make new friends, but keep the old. / One is silver-- / And the other's gold.

Cowboy Universe Character:We didn't see anything. Ever.

Big-headed Fry · Big-headed Leela · Big-headed Bender:Hell, no! / Shut up! / Beat it, jerk!

Robot Bender · Robot Leela:Negative. Will you go out with me? / Access denied.

Robot Leela:Access denied.

Alternate Bender:Yeah, Leprechaun Universe is fine, if you haven't seen Pirate Universe!

Hippie universe inhabitant:Baby, they're somewhere. Everything's, like, somewhere. Place is kind of au naturel right now.

Hippie Universe Character:Baby, they're somewhere. Everything's, like, somewhere. Place is kind of au naturel right now.

Hippie universe inhabitant:Dig it! All of you fitting in this box is, like, seriously freaked up!

Hippie Universe Professor · Hippie Universe Character:Dude, there's a universe in all of us. / Right on, Professor Freaksworth!

Hermes:Okay.

Fry:So, Leela? Seeing how the universe wasn't destroyed... you wanna catch an ape fight? You know, together?

Leela:You know, let's just say it's heads.

Farnsworth:Sweet honeybee of infinity!

Leela:Bender, quit destroying the universe!

Bender:And the box itself is probably worth something too.