The Professor is deeply disturbed when his parents return from virtual retirement aboard the Near-Death Star.
WAR
36
Wins Above Replacement
“Near Death Wish” ranks #105 of 170 Futurama episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 76.5 — Great. The episode packs 55 scored jokes at 3.4 per minute, averaging 6.9 on craft and 6.5 on impact, with Fry landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Professor Farnsworth · Ned Farnsworth: Floyd? Who the hell's Floyd? I'm Hubert! You're Hubert? The older brother?
Professor Farnsworth: It felt like a minute compared to grad school.
Ned Farnsworth: a mental institution! Got himself a full wackademic scholarship.
Professor Farnsworth: You see, I came down with a searing case of who gives a crap.
Professor Farnsworth: Are they my zombies from hammacher schlemmer?
All Jokes — 55 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Hermes: Oh, don't feel bad, son. We couldn't be more proud of you. Unless, of course, you had won the award.
Hermes Setup/Punchline Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Fry: Man, you're so lucky to have your family here. The stupid Professor didn't even show up for me.
Fry Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Award announcer: Mike Pisarik, lion.
Award announcer: They're on the truck to heaven now.
Fry: And the fish sticks were limp!
Fry Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Bender · Other character: Ooh, hefty. You could really bash in a skull with this thing. I know, right?
Professor Farnsworth: You see, I came down with a searing case of who gives a crap.
Leela: Sure, they exhibit all the telltale signs... toenails growing, hearts pumping fluid, the whole shmagoigle.
Leela Absurdist Observational Bender: So where do these fossils live, in sedimentary rock?
Fry: Oh, really? Does that rule apply to... Clippie winners?
Fry Character Comedy Misdirection Callback Fry: Not now, Leela, I'm trying to meet old people.
Fry Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Fry: My God... It's full of geezers.
Fry Setup/Punchline Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Fry: My God... It's full of geezers.
Fry Setup/Punchline Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Fry: Is it some kind of craft-matic adjustable death bed?
Fry Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive Fry: But wouldn't almost anything make a better battery than a human body? Like a potato? Or a battery?
Fry Observational Absurdist ★ Rewatch Professor Farnsworth: It seemed like the single crummiest, laziest, most awful, dimwitted idea in the entire history of science fiction, but it turned out to be true. Who knew?
Fry: I'm gonna call them Gram-Gram and Shabba-doo.
Fry Character Comedy Absurdist Bender: They look just like you, Fry. Arms, legs, ugly.
Bender Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Bender: It's not just safe, it's 40% safe.
Bender Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Callback Bender: Told you it was safe.
Bender Irony/Sarcasm Visual Gag Callback Leela: There's only one word for it: Terrible. And also horrible.
Leela Setup/Punchline Wordplay/Pun Ned Farnsworth: I can smell a scam a mile away. Reverse mortgages. Get your reverse mortgages here.
Velma Farnsworth · Fry: What are you, a... A junior in high school? Most recently, yes.
Ned Farnsworth: And that's how I got this scar above my eye, and this fork inside my lung.
Ned Farnsworth · Fry: Hey, look at this. I can pull my thumb off. Oh, stop, Shabba-doo, you're freaking me out.
Velma Farnsworth: You should have seen him when he was little. My golly, he was crotchety and moldy.
Fry: I don't think Gram-Gram likes that place, and I know Shabba-don't.
Fry Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Callback Professor Farnsworth: I'm about to lose history's greatest life all because of some useless old people.
Ned Farnsworth: Turn left at Miriam Feinberg. I meant Feingold!
Zoidberg: I'm Dr. Zoidberg. I'm very important.
Professor Farnsworth: Are they my zombies from hammacher schlemmer?
Hermes: Lady, all of human history happened in your past!
Hermes Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Bender · Fry: I'd be surprised if you live it out! Whoo! You're on fire!
Fry: Gram-Gram fell down at the ice cream store and we got free ice cream!
Fry Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Professor Farnsworth: God, how I hate them!
Young Ned · Professor's pet: That's wonderful, dear. Here you go, squeakers.
Professor Farnsworth: Not mature enough for college yet!
Young Professor: You're all I have left, squeakers.
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! You ruined my life! Good-bye!
Bender: That is one crazy, uncircumcised old man.
Bender Absurdist Character Comedy Fry: He doesn't need tires.
Fry Observational Absurdist Ned Farnsworth · Velma Farnsworth: He was a crazy-ass nutjob! Thank you, ned.
Ned Farnsworth: Yeah, sweat. Right.
Velma Farnsworth: 81, thallium. 82, lead. 82, bismuth.
Ned Farnsworth: a mental institution! Got himself a full wackademic scholarship.
Velma Farnsworth · Professor Farnsworth: your online doctorate in rodeo studies. Rodeo studies?
Professor Farnsworth · Ned Farnsworth: Floyd? Who the hell's Floyd? I'm Hubert! You're Hubert? The older brother?
Professor Farnsworth: It felt like a minute compared to grad school.
Amy · Bender: a homeless rodeo clown named Floyd came to the door claiming he was... Bender! Why do you always have to be the center of attention?
Amy Bender Misdirection Character Comedy Callback Velma Farnsworth: My damn skin even hurts.
Velma Farnsworth: we get fed through our spines and the rent is reasonable.
Velma: when they inject the holidays into our brains?
Velma Absurdist Dark/Subversive Professor Farnsworth: Appearances... just a simple matter of appearances.
Professor: Appearances... just a simple matter of appearances.
Professor Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential