Near Death Wish

Hermes:Oh, don't feel bad, son. We couldn't be more proud of you. Unless, of course, you had won the award.

Fry:Man, you're so lucky to have your family here. The stupid Professor didn't even show up for me.

Award announcer:Mike Pisarik, lion.

Award announcer:They're on the truck to heaven now.

Fry:And the fish sticks were limp!

Bender · Other character:Ooh, hefty. You could really bash in a skull with this thing. I know, right?

Professor Farnsworth:You see, I came down with a searing case of who gives a crap.

Leela:Sure, they exhibit all the telltale signs... toenails growing, hearts pumping fluid, the whole shmagoigle.

Bender:So where do these fossils live, in sedimentary rock?

Fry:Oh, really? Does that rule apply to... Clippie winners?

Fry:Not now, Leela, I'm trying to meet old people.

Fry:My God... It's full of geezers.

Fry:My God... It's full of geezers.

Fry:Is it some kind of craft-matic adjustable death bed?

Fry:But wouldn't almost anything make a better battery than a human body? Like a potato? Or a battery?

Professor Farnsworth:It seemed like the single crummiest, laziest, most awful, dimwitted idea in the entire history of science fiction, but it turned out to be true. Who knew?

Fry:I'm gonna call them Gram-Gram and Shabba-doo.

Bender:They look just like you, Fry. Arms, legs, ugly.

Bender:It's not just safe, it's 40% safe.

Bender:Told you it was safe.

Leela:There's only one word for it: Terrible. And also horrible.

Ned Farnsworth:I can smell a scam a mile away. Reverse mortgages. Get your reverse mortgages here.

Velma Farnsworth · Fry:What are you, a... A junior in high school? Most recently, yes.

Ned Farnsworth:And that's how I got this scar above my eye, and this fork inside my lung.

Ned Farnsworth · Fry:Hey, look at this. I can pull my thumb off. Oh, stop, Shabba-doo, you're freaking me out.

Velma Farnsworth:You should have seen him when he was little. My golly, he was crotchety and moldy.

Old man:Prove it, loser!

Fry:I don't think Gram-Gram likes that place, and I know Shabba-don't.

Professor Farnsworth:I'm about to lose history's greatest life all because of some useless old people.

Ned Farnsworth:Turn left at Miriam Feinberg. I meant Feingold!

Zoidberg:I'm Dr. Zoidberg. I'm very important.

Professor Farnsworth:Are they my zombies from hammacher schlemmer?

Hermes:Lady, all of human history happened in your past!

Bender · Fry:I'd be surprised if you live it out! Whoo! You're on fire!

Fry:Gram-Gram fell down at the ice cream store and we got free ice cream!

Professor Farnsworth:God, how I hate them!

Young Ned · Professor's pet:That's wonderful, dear. Here you go, squeakers.

Professor Farnsworth:Not mature enough for college yet!

Young Professor:You're all I have left, squeakers.

Professor Farnsworth:Oh, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! You ruined my life! Good-bye!

Bender:That is one crazy, uncircumcised old man.

Fry:He doesn't need tires.

Ned Farnsworth · Velma Farnsworth:He was a crazy-ass nutjob! Thank you, ned.

Ned Farnsworth:Yeah, sweat. Right.

Velma Farnsworth:81, thallium. 82, lead. 82, bismuth.

Ned Farnsworth:a mental institution! Got himself a full wackademic scholarship.

Velma Farnsworth · Professor Farnsworth:your online doctorate in rodeo studies. Rodeo studies?

Professor Farnsworth · Ned Farnsworth:Floyd? Who the hell's Floyd? I'm Hubert! You're Hubert? The older brother?

Professor Farnsworth:It felt like a minute compared to grad school.

Amy · Bender:a homeless rodeo clown named Floyd came to the door claiming he was... Bender! Why do you always have to be the center of attention?

Velma Farnsworth:My damn skin even hurts.

Velma Farnsworth:we get fed through our spines and the rent is reasonable.

Velma:when they inject the holidays into our brains?

Professor Farnsworth:Appearances... just a simple matter of appearances.

Professor:Appearances... just a simple matter of appearances.