War Is The H Word

Commercial Narrator:Big Pink! The gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.

Commercial Narrator:And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.

Bender:What? This is the worst kind of discrimination! The kind against me!

Store Clerk:if for any reason you're not satisfied, I hate you.

Fry:Full price for gum? That dog won't hunt, Monsignor.

Army Recruiter:Playing you all for chumps? Correct. There's no obligation.

Army Recruiter:Unless, of course, war were declared.

Army Recruiter · Everyone:What's that? War were declared.

Zapp Brannigan:to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage.

Professor Farnsworth:I don't want you to worry about your jobs. That's why I'm firing you now.

Zapp Brannigan:After some deadly blunders caused by distracting low-cut fatigues and harmless pinching, the Army decided women weren't fit.

Zapp Brannigan:If it's a lesson in love, I suffer from a very sexy learning disability.

Zapp Brannigan · Kif:What do I call it, Kif? Sex-lexia.

Zapp Brannigan:A few will be forced through a fine mesh screen. They'll be the luckiest.

Fry:And this ham gum is all bones.

Zapp Brannigan:welcome the original Gerber Baby. Earth President Richard M. Nixon.

Fry:Cool effect!

Soldier · Nixon:Why is this planet worth dying for? Can't say, you're the one who'll die.

Nixon:They stand for everything we don't stand for.

Nixon · Fry:Also, they said you look like dorks! They look like dorks! I'm gonna--

Zapp Brannigan:Tent got your tongue? Kif, write that down and send it to Humor in Uniform.

Zapp Brannigan:That guy makes Speedy Gonzales look like Regular Gonzales.

Kif:And 16 minutes. And 12 hours.

Zapp Brannigan:As a bubbling Crock-Pot of male hormones, I sure do.

Leela:Lee, La, Man. La Man. Lemon! Lee Lemon, sir.

Zapp Brannigan:your hand, while firm and manly, is soft as a velvet child.

Zapp Brannigan:Squirt it on some homeless man with dry elbows.

Zapp Brannigan:And some other emotions that are weird and deeply confusing me.

Fry · Bender:Mind if we sit with you? Why the hell would I?

Bender:A foul-mouthed, barrel-chested, beer-bellied pile of ugly muscle.

Bender:Stop flattering me!

Zapp Brannigan:It's about life in ancient Greece.

Zapp Brannigan:Surprise!

Fry · Bender:And then the battle's not so bad? Right, I forgot about the battle.

Soldier:The enemy! They're balls!

Zapp Brannigan:You spooked Felicity.

Dying Soldier · Fry:Wait. I didn't tell you where he lives. Your son might also like those boots.

Bender:Fry, you emu-bellied coward!

Bender:If they put me on a stamp, tell them to use the young Bender.

Bender:If they put me on a stamp, tell them to use the young Bender.

Medical Officer:I mean, five! Repeat, four.

Zoidberg:I'd love to. But first, I have to perform surgery. I kid. I kid.

Dr. Zoidberg:Scalpel. Blood bucket. Priest. Next patient!

Soldier:Leave some for the enemy to kill.

Bender:Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher.

Kif · Zapp Brannigan:Being your assistant. Wrong! Being your assistant.

Zoidberg · Bender:Excuse me, I believe I'm the doctor. Believing it won't make it true.

Fry:It isn't war, it's murder!

Zapp Brannigan:I want this robot fixed. Fixed like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election.

Zoidberg:That's my joke! I'll kill you!

Kif:I got wheels! With clickity-clackers!

Bender:I got wheels! With clickity-clackers!

Zapp Brannigan:And mix these mixed nuts! I see two almonds touching!

Nixon · Zapp Brannigan:So I am sending you on one last mission. Hot diggity daffodil!

Nixon:Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed.

Nixon:I didn't live 1000 years to look at another man's gizmo.

Nixon:Kif, raise him up nipple high.

Computer/Nixon:Number 10: 'CHUMP', Number 9: 'CHUMPETTE'...

Henry Kissinger:What do you call it? Lower back! That whole region.

Henry Kissinger:My chair's too hard. It's a pain in the-- What do you call it? Lower back! That whole region.

Fry:I did it! Wait, that's not me.

Leela · Hermes:Fry, don't you recognize me? Hermes?

Zapp Brannigan:So it's you I've been attracted to! I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman.

Ball Elder:Then he bounced 4 meters in the air. Do I make myself clear?

Nixon · Kissinger:Where do you shove things up a ball? Not a productive area of discussion.

Nixon · Kissinger:Where do you shove things up a ball? Not a productive area of discussion.

Fry:At last, war has made me into a man.

Fry:At last, war has made me into a man.

Nixon:We've seen too many body bags and ball sacks.

Bender:Up yours, chump! I said it 906 times before lunch.

Ball Elder:Young man, you have the bravery of a hero. And breath as fresh as a summer ham.

Bender:The game's name is: Make Bender Happy, or He Blows Up the Planet!

Kissinger:Stay calm. No need to bounce off the handle.

Fry:I guess you learned a valuable lesson. Don't mess with Earth!

Professor Farnsworth:It's stuck in there with glue or something.

Bender:Great. What's the point of living if I can't say 'ass'? I didn't blow up! Ass, ass, ass, ass!

Professor · Bender:That's using your ass. And the word? Better if you don't know.

Bender:Wait. Is it 'sorry'? No. 'Funderful'?

Bender:'Compassion.' 'Shrimp toast.' 'Antiquing'?