Kif

Kif:I'm not as big a fan of velour as you are.

Kif · Zapp Brannigan:Who are you talking to, sir? You.

Zapp Brannigan · Kif:In the game of chess... you can never let your adversary see your pieces. What?

Kif · Zapp Brannigan:You already imprisoned her under directive B10.81. You mean Brannigan's Law? Right. That law. Which one?

Kif:This time we are sure she's a woman, right?

Zapp Brannigan · Kif:The boy, sir? You. You lay out my formal shorts.

Kif:That's a shame, sir.

Zapp · Kif:Well, well, well! The Lady Leela. Take notes, Kif. You're about to witness the subtle waltz known as seduction.

Zapp · Kif:Kif, I'm feeling the captain's itch. / I'll get the powder.

Zapp · Kif · Zapp · Kif:- What is that? - It appears to be the mother ship. - Then what did we just blow up? - The Hubble Telescope.

Kif:But paper covers rock. And scissors cuts paper.

Kif:This is the happiest day of my life.

Kif:I'm Leela. Get to work.

Kif:Once he actually ordered me to... shave his armpits while he was in the tub.

Kif:Hear that? I'm actually laughing.

Kif:She actually listens to what I have to...

Kif · Nixon · Lrrr · Nixon:It's 198 billion, sir. Very well. You will provide us with 198 billion humans. And small fries. Lrrr! All right. Cottage cheese.

Kif:Please, I'm creating!

Zapp Brannigan · Kif:What do I call it, Kif? Sex-lexia.

Kif:And 16 minutes. And 12 hours.

Kif · Zapp Brannigan:Being your assistant. Wrong! Being your assistant.

Kif:I got wheels! With clickity-clackers!

Kif:If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance?

Kif:I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies.

Amy · Kif:Really? Honest and true? - Yes. And that person calling and hanging up was me.

Kif:Three.

Kif:Such a man. I'd follow him to hell and back, I would.

RJ · Kif:I haven't even lit it yet. - Oh. Is it lit now? - Yep.

Kif:Oh, dear. Oh, goodness. Oh, odds and bodkins.

Kif:Actually, I don't have bones. I'm supported by fluid-filled bladders that...

Kif:I can be manly too. I think I'll light up a smoke.

Kif:This sounds like a job for... Lt. Kif Kroker!

Kif:I have a blister, I spit, and, of course, I tell no one my feelings.

Amy · Kif:But you still have them? - Yes. But I keep them inside until I can write them in my diary.

Amy · Kif:What's that? - Maybe we just made love.

Kif:I took a seminar in ejecting chickens from a sand dune. The principle is essentially the same.

Kif · Fry:We're in the eye of the storm! - Where?

Zapp · Kif:I didn't realize you were bringing your girlfriend, lieutenant. - She won't leave me alone. - Did I say girlfriend? She sounds more like a wife.

Kif:Hey, I'm smoking! I'm the greatest!

Kif:I don't have bones. I'm supported by a system of fluid-filled bladders that...

Kif:Dear diary, I just made love for the second time.

Fry · Zapp Brannigan · Kif:Double yes. Guilty! I will now carry out the sentence. Kif, my gun. / Wait! He pled not guilty! / Order! Order in the court! Very well then, Mr. Fry. Please recount the events that led you to be guilty.

Kif:Another hour and I would've thought of hanging up.

Kif:When even an inch separates us, I quiver with misery.

Kif:So you can imagine how I feel when it's a billion light years.

Kif · Amy:Imagine you stowing away and stealing a licensed starship. Oh, it's so romantic it gives me the shivers.

Kif:You can use the floor and I'll have the ceiling. See?

Kif:And nothing can hurt you, except when it malfunctions... And the holograms become real. Well, that probably won't happen this time.

Kif:Four million lines of BASIC.

Kif:And I would pluck the moon from the sky just to see you smile. Almost got it. Seems to be sort of stuck.

Kif:Run program Kif-Colon-Slash-Slash-Three!

Kif:Amy, we could live in a bus station bathroom for all I care. As long as we're together, it'll feel like a castle to me.

Kif:I held Amy's hand, and voilà!

Kif:Or even from a toilet seat. Though, that's impossible, since I have a private washroom. My home away from home.

Kif:That explains the poster in hygiene class: 'No glove, no love.'

Kif:And shortly, it will rend my loins in twain... Burst forth and pull us down, down, down... Into the deep, dark waters of commitment.

Kif:It's a poisonous froad! No one move.

Kif:Apparently Amy hasn't been working out much lately.

Kif:What are you looking at?

Kif:And in 20 years, they'll sprout legs and crawl back onto land as children.

Zapp · Kif:Show them my medal, Kif. He rented it with his tax refund.

Kif:Precious hamburgers?

Kif:Or better yet, I'll simply shed my skin.

Kif:Using that, I'll make you a perfume of lilac and jasmine and frankenberry.

Kif · Amy:God, what a wuss. Stop being such a spineless jellyfish. You know full well I am more closely related to the sea cucumber.

Amy · Kif:Not where it counts. (Whimpers)

Kif:I'm not just some piece of tofu, Amy.

Kif:It's been ages, according to your wildly inappropriate hunk-of-the-month calendar.

Kif:I just don't get why you have to flirt with every bad boy in sight.

Kif:Pardon my language, but I have had it with you ruffling my petticoats.

Zapp · Kif:Kif, did you yack on the floor? Yes, I did.

Kif:That's a napkin dispenser, sir.

Kif:Last time you tried that, the Mexican restaurant declared war on us.

Kif:and you can't return ice cream cakes!

Kif:Oh, oh, it's always so hard to decide. Um, uh, tap. I mean bottled.

Kif:She just wants to hit me with various chairs.

Kif:It smells like a skunk stuffed with feta cheese.

Kif:Maybe they could just go warm Turkey?

Zapp · Kif:Then how are they unmanned? The men are just for ballast.

Kif:That's a napkin dispenser, sir. This is the universal translator.

Kif:Table Seven?

Kif:Last time you tried that, the Mexican restaurant declared war on us.

Kif:It's the Battle of Paco's Tacos all over again.

Kif:you can't return ice cream cakes!

Kif:you can't return ice cream cakes!

Zapp · Kif:Well, what'll it be, folks? Tap water or bottled? Whatever. Kif, you pick. Oh, oh, it's always so hard to decide. Tap. I mean bottled. Bam!

Kif:Why don't you and I ever do things together?

Kif:She just wants to hit me with various chairs.

Kif:Oh, cripes! They're mating!

Zapp · Kif:With men in them. Then how are they unmanned? The men are just for ballast.

Kif · Amy:Oh my. I'm so anxious, my camouflage reflex is kicking in. / No, it's helpful. I wanna look cute for our hundreds of kids.

Kif · Brannigan:If there's nothing further, I will... / Oh no, you willn't.

Brannigan · Kif:It looks like the whole planet has psoriasis. / You're looking at the back of my head, sir.

Kif:Could you at least close the curtain, sir?

Kif:Your shower depleted the ship's three-year supply, sir.

Kif:I have had it! I'm through putting up with your... crap!

Zapp Brannigan · Kif:That was just locker room talk. It was a Halloween costume. It was a different time! It was yesterday!

Kif · Zapp:He made me watch him perform an erotic fan dance with a ping-pong paddle and a no-show sock. - It was a different time! - It was yesterday!

Kif:Psst. Stinky needs changing.

Zapp · Kif:Lieutenant Kroker! Report for emergency briefing. / Oh, thank God. I'll be back in a month!

Admirella · Kif:That's why I've been keeping it close to my chest. / Uh... / I-I should get a map like that for Amy.

Zapp · Kif:I have a weird feeling about this, Kif. / Set tension level to maximum.

Kif:It's as if they had their very lives cuddled out of them!

Kif · Scruffy:Any alien invaders around here? / Uh-oh. The fuzz!

Zapp · Kif:Come on, Kif. [sighs] Don't rock the boat, baby.

Kif:Being invisible doesn't-- Oh jeez.

Amy · Kif:It's me! Oh thank the Grand Midwife's porous skin sack. It was always you.

Kif:Yes. We just had a beautiful conversation.

Kif · Kif · Professor:Yet there is another path to knowledge. Faith. / Many people believe in a heaven, yet you do not call them crazy. / Yes, I do. To their faces. And behind their backs, I'm even ruder.

Kif:Get her! But be gentle.

Kif:I hope the pillowcase wasn't too scratchy. I got the highest thread count I could.

Kif:It wasn't just yogurt, it was a yogurt beverage!