Scared Screenless

Parent · Axl:So, um, Axl, how was school today? / Uh-huh. / Did you learn anything? Or perhaps participate in shenanigans? / Uh-huh.

Child:The flerk goes 'ba-KOOK-a-zoodle.'

Child:Then what's the point of eating?

Axl:They asked me to put away my phone. I said, 'No.'

Parent:He's on his phone 24 hours a day, yet he's never called me once. I'd kill for a butt dial.

Parent:What if I post one of those catchy dance videos? Hoo, ooh, ooh. Hoo, hoo, hoo-hoo. Hoo!

Wife · Husband:Husband, ya can't dance. / Sure I can. My doctor okayed it.

Professor Farnsworth:Oh, bother. I'll have to fetch him from some dam-ned alternate reality.

Professor Farnsworth:Oh, bother. He's in an alternate, alternate reality.

Fry · Multiple parents:Kids. Am I right? / Yes. / I thought so. / Amen, brother.

Leela · Leela:Woo-hoo! Go Righty! / I've had precisely enough of this.

Kids:Ugh!

Kid:Man, I can barely even control that pigeon. This world needs an update.

Kid · Dealer kid:I'm jonesin', guys. I needs my net! / Yo, I got gigs! Uploads, downloads... What do you need?

Kid · Dealer kid · Kid:You got 5G? I need a nickel. / Man, I got 10G. You want me to cut it with some static? / Nah, just hit us up.

Bender:If you're currently using another device in addition to the one you're watching me on, then you're a sick, sick bastard. So pick up a third device and call me now.

Bender:Together, we'll get through this, just me, you, and your credit card. In fact, forget you! Phone sex also available.

Kids · Kids · Adult:Hey, check it out! Bet I can get it up to 150. / Oh yeah? 170! Eat my beats! / Stop video-gaming your heart rates!

Parent · Other parents:Come on, fellow parents. Let's go back in time and not have kids. / Oh, yeah! / You said it.

Zapp Brannigan:And to be clear, you are the wean-ees. I am the wean-er.

Zapp Brannigan · Kid:'Why,' you ask, 'is the DOOP's rearest admiral running a children's camp?' / I didn't hear anybody ask that.

Zapp Brannigan:In the old days, recruits came in looking like me. Kif, tighten my girdle so they can see what I look like.

Zapp Brannigan:And voila, I stand before you, an adonis.

Zapp · Bender · Zapp:Here! We got one more loser. / Hey! What'd I do? Nothin'! / You're as bad as everyone else, only worse.

Bender:Bite my shiny metal ass!

Hermes · LaBarbara:So, LaBarbara, with no kid around, it's the perfect chance for-- / Ladies' Night! / Don't wait up, Hermes.

Hermes · Other men:Ah, who needs them anyway? We can have our own Ladies' Night. Right, men? / Yes, we can! / We need it! / I call designated driver!

Zapp · Kid:Nevertheless, I shall hoist your devices high atop this naturally occurring stripper pole for one reason and one reason only, to taunt you. / It's working.

Kid:I have built entire mobile game cities out of candy, but I can't put together one stupid tent?!

Kid:How are we supposed to do this if we can't watch a video on how to do this?

Woman · Other woman:Get it? / Oh, that's as cute as when Dwight said the same thing. / Hilarious.

Women:How about if anyone mentions kids, they have to drink? / Sure! / Bring it on! / This is fun. I haven't been out day drinking since I had kids. Oops!

Woman:Ha! You look like Dwight after I give him goat liver oil.

Woman:Kids, kids, kids.

Zoidberg:Ugh. God forbid the driver should get a morsel of fresh air.

Bender:Right in my a-hole. / Antenna hole!

Kid:I just wish I had my phone so I could film this for lumberjack fails.

Zapp:But sometimes being a quitter works, too.

Zapp:I prefer cold stew anyway. Cold, raw stew.

Zapp · Kid:How do I look? / Sporky.

Zapp:It's got the talons of an eagle, the fangs of a viper, the feathers of a pillow, and the angry red buttocks of an infected baboon.

Kid · Zapp:Look, sunrise! / Then the hunt has begun. I'll be getting some shuteye.

Kid:And I'm a 12-year-old kid.

Kid:Man, the sun is sunning.

Kid:He's getting internet from the sun! This star must be a relay on the stellar backbone.

Bender:Ooh, I'm a hotspot-bot!

Bender · Kid · Kid:You mean 'assword.' / 'Assword1'? / That's not a very secure assword.

Kid · Kid:Looking up 'snipes' on Snopes... and... Debunked! No such thing. / Whew. Well, that's a relief. 'Cause otherwise, I'd have screamed my head off when I saw that snipe.

Zoidberg:Fine. Fine. I'll increase my driving.

Zoidberg:Fine. Fine. I'll increase my driving.

Passenger:Now you're going the wrong way on a two-way street.

Police officer:Damn, this cabinet was three days from being used to store retirement paperwork.

Kid · Kid:According to Wikipedia snipes do exist! / That was me. I just updated it!

Hippie:Uh, we call it a chicken.

Bliss Waterfall:Brother? Ew! It's just a figure of speech, m'kay? We're cousins.

Groovestick · Bliss:Generations have continued their dream through a careful program of selective inbreeding. / Not that careful.

Kid · Groovestick:And then you kill 'em? / Nuh-uh, they die of fright, dig?

Kid · Groovestick · Kid · Groovestick · Bliss:Even fun? What do you do for fun? / Fun? What is this 'fun'? / Like, what do you like to watch? / Plants growing! / Go corn! / You got this, radish!

Kid · Hippie · Kid · Hippie:This is what we do on Earth. / Whoa! Don't look! It'll take your souls. / It's just solitaire. / Witchcraft and dark science!

Groovestick · Kid:Don't listen to the chubby wizard. / I have a metabolic condition.

Character:Get it off! Get it off! It's a mole!

Hippie:In the name of peace, aim for the head!

Character · Fry:Two tin cans on a string? / It's the latest in affordable tech. The battery life is excellent, and it smells like cream of mushroom soup.

Fry:Really? I never gave him my number.

Automated message:We're sorry. This call cannot be completed. Please hang up and worry.

Character:Sounds like the emergency is your relationship.

Kid:It's a total eclipse of the internet!

Kid · Zapp:That's 'cause it needs to connect to a server in Des Moines, Iowa. / Des Moines, Iowa!

Character:Oh, why did I pick today to start my life of crime?

Robot Devil:Sweet skink of the clink!

Robot Devil:Not since suicide booths started takin' Venmo.

Parent:All I wanted was to never speak to him again. And now I'll never speak to him again!

Robot Devil:I'm leaving you jokers behind when I bust out of this joint, see?

Groovestick · Groovestick:If I'm honest, here we've had a mild summer. / Sorcery!

Kid · Hippie:We call it content. / We will call it 'God.'

Kid:Dude.

Fry:Are... you... okay? / Oh, he's not replying. Maybe I should text him six more times.

Kif:Yes. We just had a beautiful conversation.