Character Analysis
Nixon
Played by Billy West
83 jokes across 24 episodes of Futurama
24.9
83
7
6.7
Character Comedy
Nixon delivers 83 scored jokes across 24 episodes of Futurama, averaging 7.0 on craft and 6.7 on impact for a career WAR of 24.9. Their comedy leans toward character comedy. The highest-scoring line is below.
Funniest Nixon Lines
Nixon:That's right, no 'body.' But, as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body.
Nixon:Once I'm in office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat! I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place!
Nixon:Erased that planet like 18 minutes of incriminating tape.
Nixon:use the poor as a cheap source of teeth for aquarium gravel
Nixon:Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973, but voters are as drunk and stupid as ever!
All Jokes — 69 total
Nixon · Fry · Nixon:Grandpa's making up stories again. / I'm not your grandpa. You're my uncle from the year 2000. / Okay, Grandpa.
Nixon:A good Republican body. God, I loved it.
Nixon:That's my style. Kick them when they're down.
Nixon:That's right, no 'body.' But, as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body.
Nixon:The question is vague. You don't say what kind of candy, whether anyone is watching... I certainly wouldn't harm the child.
Nixon:I certainly wouldn't harm the child.
Aide · Nixon:But your body's message was, 'Look at my shiny new body.' You've got real charisma from the neck down.
Nixon:Shut up! Seriously, I'm never giving back this body. Beat it! Or I'll get Cambodian on your asses!
Leela · Nixon:The voters aren't pea-brained idiots anymore. No? Listen here, missy.
Nixon:Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973, but voters are as drunk and stupid as ever!
Nixon:Once I'm in office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat! I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place!
Nixon:I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place!
Nixon:I thought I had a Clark Gable quality.
Nixon:Oh, expletive deleted! You've got a deal.
Nixon · Lrrr:It'd be great with quack-a-mole. Stop eating our young! And it's guacamole!
Kif · Nixon · Lrrr · Nixon:It's 198 billion, sir. Very well. You will provide us with 198 billion humans. And small fries. Lrrr! All right. Cottage cheese.
Nixon:I filled up on nuts negotiating.
Soldier · Nixon:Why is this planet worth dying for? Can't say, you're the one who'll die.
Nixon:They stand for everything we don't stand for.
Nixon · Fry:Also, they said you look like dorks! They look like dorks! I'm gonna--
Nixon · Zapp Brannigan:So I am sending you on one last mission. Hot diggity daffodil!
Nixon:Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed.
Nixon:I didn't live 1000 years to look at another man's gizmo.
Nixon:Kif, raise him up nipple high.
Nixon · Kissinger:Where do you shove things up a ball? Not a productive area of discussion.
Nixon · Kissinger:Where do you shove things up a ball? Not a productive area of discussion.
Nixon:We've seen too many body bags and ball sacks.
Nixon:Monkeys aren't donkeys. Quit messing with my head!
Nixon:President Nixon here. I'm hiring you losers to deliver the ice. And hurry up. I'm sweating like J. Edgar Hoover trying to squeeze into a new girdle.
Nixon:I'm going out to pick up some smokes. Really good smokes. Two hours.
Nixon:Very well. Agnew, you belong to Wornstrum now.
Nixon:In that case, I hereby declare it Robot Party Week!
Nixon:Why did I have to issue that crooked tax rebate? At least we got a few mildly interesting stories out of it.
Nixon:Oh, what a McGovern I've been.
Nixon:Reptilicus, hit the thingy.
Aide · Nixon:That's all the resolution we have. Making it bigger doesn't make it clearer. It does on CSI: Miami.
Nixon:but it was like shooting bbs at Bebe Rebozo.
Nixon:Erased that planet like 18 minutes of incriminating tape.
Nixon · Zapp · Leela · Professor:I say Brannigan. I say no. - I say me. - I say Leela. - I say yes. - I say no. I say Leela, too. I say yes again.
Nixon:It's not starting. Come ons, comes on!
Nixon:Who is this non-Washington redskin?
Nixon:Thank you, headless clone of Agnew
Nixon:the greatest planet in the world
Nixon · Aide:Is everyone enjoying their free beer? Well, there's plenty more where that came from. We're all out of beer.
Nixon:a really big Dyson fence across the Southern border of our solar system
Nixon:use the poor as a cheap source of teeth for aquarium gravel
Nixon:I feel a jowl movement coming on
Nixon:Nixon always wins!
Nixon · Agnew:Oh, Mr. Agnew? (Monster-like grunting)
Nixon:We don't have nearly enough piranhas.
Nixon:It's not starting. Come ons, comes on!
Nixon:It's like Pat on a Sunday morning.
Nixon:It's close, with lots of open space and no Woodward or Bernstein.
Leo Wong · Amy · Nixon:Admission, $20. Dad! Gleesh. Greetings, Mars men. We come to your planet to construct a gleaming city, a second Earth on which to begin anew. Okay. Admission, $20.
Nixon:I give you Dickfrancisco!
Nixon:And now, as a solemn testicle to those left behind on Earth...
Nixon · Amy:To the spaceship! There is no spaceship. You had it dismantled to build that statue. To the statue.
Nixon:Agnew, give it your stamp of approval.
Nixon · Agnew:Nixon and Agnew laughing at cute invasion before gun powers up and 'Uh-oh.'
Nixon:'He killed my second-to-last Agnew.'
Nixon:'Clone of Agnew is gone, killed in his clomping shoes by ruthless Omicronians.'
Nixon:These boys must have hero in their bones. And you, ma'am, must have heroine in your veins.
Nixon:That's right, daddy-o, and I need to take your hippie son on a far-out musical quest.
Nixon:Let's go already.
Nixon · Professor:Can it hit a no-look jump shot? -Uh, sure. -Then why does it need me?
Nixon:for the 1,030th consecutive year, no nation came close to meeting them!
Nixon:Because they're underwater. God rest their souls.
Nixon:Tragedy, human tragedy. But for the rest of us, the party goes on!
Professor Farnsworth · Nixon:Oh, we do plan to come back. If you say so.