A Clone Of My Own

Professor Farnsworth:Good news! The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges.

Professor Farnsworth:Wait, that's not good news.

Professor Farnsworth:Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain. But when you put it in the body of a great white shark? Suddenly you've gone too far!

Professor Farnsworth:Listen to me, you pompous frauds! If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me! Dean Vernon, I know the truth! It was you driving your hover car that night, not your horse.

Professor Farnsworth:Dean Epsilon... I know all about your 'Department of Pool Boy Studies'.

Professor Farnsworth:And Dr. Wernstrum? Wernstrum!

University officials · Professor Farnsworth:Actually, professor, we merely called you here to say... surprise. Happy birthday! And you, Coach Smalley! Or should I say, 'Coach Hairpiece'?

Bender:Good evening, I'm... Sorry. I'm Bender, and I'll be emceeing this roast.

Bender:They say you can judge a man by the company he keeps. So here's the professor's oldest friend, a grotesque, stinking lobster!

Zoidberg:Good evening, ladies and germs. That wasn't a joke. I was talking to Dean Streptococcus.

Zoidberg:Now I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old... but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon.

Zoidberg:Hey, Ringo? That was the joke. It's ShowTime at the Apollo all over again.

Zoidberg:Where would a professor be without students who love and respect him? Right there!

Zoidberg:But seriously, of all the former crew members of his delivery ship... our next speaker is by far the most alive. Captain Musky?

Unknown speaker:I wouldn't want to follow that guy.

Announcer:And now, a man who needs no introduction.

Unknown:Fry, get up there!

Fry:When I was first asked to make a film about my nephew, the professor... I thought, why should I? Then later, Leela made the film. But if I had made it, there would be more topless women on motorcycles.

Fry:But if I had made it, there would be more topless women on motorcycles.

Narrator:A precocious child, he learned to read while he was still in diapers... at age 8.

Narrator · Young person:Soon he became a greasy teenager. Dork alert!

Narrator:Fast cars, trendy nightspots, beautiful women. The professor designed them all, working out of his one-room apartment.

Narrator:Where he created the first robot capable of qualifying for a boat loan.

Narrator · Professor Farnsworth:And now, even as he nears his 150th birthday... the professor retains the fiery passion of youth. Listen to me, you pompous frauds! If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me!

Someone prompting Professor:I said, words.

Professor Farnsworth:What a pleasure it is to see my lifetime of accomplishment... summed up in a 3-minute film. My best years are behind me. So much left undone. So little time.

Someone at party:Funny, funny stuff!

Fry · Leela:Leela, he could live another 100 years! No, he couldn't.

Leela · Fry:When you turn 160... robots from the Sunset Squad take you to a mysterious planet... and you never return. Wow, a whole planet of old people. Where is it? Nobody knows.

Professor Farnsworth:That damn time machine alone set me back 15 years.

Fry:If only it'd work, you could go back and not waste your time on it.

Bender:I hope he didn't die. Unless he named me his successor. Then I hope he did die.

Zoidberg:You, the successor? Over my empty shell! The professor will pick me. Only I have his lobster-like tenacity.

Bender · Zoidberg:Up yours, Zoidberg! Up wherever your species traditionally crams things.

Hermes:The only sensible way to pick a successor is with a limbo contest. Kingston rules. Two men go down, one comes up.

Leela · Zoidberg:Look, the professor trusts me with a giant spaceship. He wouldn't trust you with his dentures. Yes, he would.

Fry:Sorry, everyone. But need I remind you, blood is thicker than water. Blood. Thicker. Water.

Zoidberg · Professor:Goodbye. Professor?

Professor · Various crew:As you all know, I am not long for this world. Yes, we know. One foot in the grave.

Professor Farnsworth:It's someone in whom I have great faith... though his mind is undeveloped and he's accomplished nothing.

Crew · Zoidberg · Professor:He's horrible! Crud. Can I at least be in charge of your dentures? You wish.

Professor Farnsworth:I left him in his first tube too long and he got squished against the side.

Bender · Professor Farnsworth:Is he dumb or just ugly? Let's find out.

Cubert · Crew:What? You've never seen a genius's wiener before? No. Never. Well, once in the park.

Zoidberg:I lost it. In a volcano.

Bender:Me no speak-a the English.

Cubert:There's someone I'd like you to meet. His name is depth perception.

Leela:Why, you little... Wow, that hurt... the air!

Bender:Him pending para un bending.

Cubert:I didn't realize you were the inventor of the junk heap.

Professor Farnsworth:That's my prizewinning Smell-a-Scope. If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, I won't be out of the loop.

Professor · Translator · Cubert:Unfortunately, so far... it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language. Hello. Bonjour. Crazy gibberish!

Cubert · Professor:That's impossible. You can't go faster than the speed of light. Of course not. That's why scientists increased the speed of light in 2208.

Professor Farnsworth:It came to me in a dream and I forgot it in another dream.

Cubert:Your explanations are pure weapons-grade bologna-ium.

Cubert:No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.

Qbert:No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.

Amy:Oh, my God! It's Elzar, the TV chef! Kill me now, people!

Elzar · Bender:Are you an ass-kissing machine? Yes, sir! Good one, sir!

Cubert:I don't want to be an inventor. I want to be something useful, like a teacher's aide... or a prison guard or a science-fiction cartoon writer.

Cubert:In your life, your only half-decent invention was me. And I didn't turn out like you wanted either.

Elzar:Turns out I forgot to cook that chicken.

Professor Farnsworth:You see, I've been lying about my age. I'm not actually 150. I'm 160.

Professor Farnsworth:Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth.

Professor Farnsworth:Goodbye, cruel world! Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes... lined with what appears to be some sort of cruel muslin... and the cute little pompon curtain pull cords... cruel though they may be...

Professor Farnsworth:I know you're all upset, especially Bender. Well, life goes on. Except for you!

Professor · Bender:I'm sure he's just made a cutting remark... but he doesn't know I taped over his soap operas to record this. You bastard!

Leela · Fry:You're his uncle, dummy. He takes after you! Yeah, well, what?

Cubert:As you probably don't know... odors are made up of particles that can't travel through space.

Fry:I'm zeroing in on him. BENGAY. Mothballs! Letters to the editor! It's the professor!

Robot:No, we're not, you little bed wetter. Sorry.

Leela:My God... the illusion is so perfect I almost forgot I was looking at an idiot!

Fry:I'd like to see them find it.

Zoidberg · Leela:Why do I have to be the hump? Because you're too ugly to be a wart.

Fry · Robot guard:Hey, you kids! Get off the lawn! Old people are often concerned that there are children on their lawns.

Leela · Robot:Got a hot, steaming batch right here. We only needed one cell. Keep the change, buddy!

Zoidberg · Robot:I've got 'talking hump syndrome.' Ah, T.H.S.

Leela · Amy:So this is where they stick old people! It's horrific! It does keep them from driving.

Robot Guard:Seize them! Get them! I mean, seize them!

Leela:Your social security check is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words!

Fry:The engines don't move the ship at all! The ship stays where it is, and the engines move the universe around it!

Cubert · Fry:That's a complete load. Nothing's a complete load. Not if you can imagine it.

Professor Farnsworth:I was at a facility in Florida... with hundreds of other old people. All day we'd play bingo, eat oatmeal and wait for our children to call. It's more horrible than anything I could imagine.

Professor · Cubert:Oh, don't worry, son. You will. Incidentally, read up on the condition known as wandering bladder. Why? No reason. No reason at all.