Beauty And The Bug

Calculon:you're no doubt curious as to why I tricked you all into hang gliding here. Close-up. It seems someone in this room is a murderer.

Calculon:It's me. But the real question is, which of you is the victim? And that secret I shall take to my grave.

Bender:Now, that's acting. Calculon really Shatnered the hell out of that scene.

Fry:Hey, anyone want to go to the aquarium? They got a new non-biting otter.

Fry:Wow. Aquariums have really changed since I was a boy and no one ever took me to them.

Leela:There isn't any. The water's held in place by gravity fields so there's nothing for kids to smear yogurt on.

Professor Farnsworth · Bender:I wouldn't, but I'm smart. Ahhh! Help. Police. Neat.

Bender:Hang on, I need a tripod. Let me just extend the old third leg.

Bender:Ooh, yeah. That's stable, baby.

Bender:They Live lens? Eh... So-so. Twilight Zone one-minute-in-the-future lens?

Amy:Film? Who uses film? We've had digital cameras for a thousand years.

Bender · Leela:No digital camera can capture the warmth and grain of good old film. How can you even tell? Your eyes are digital cameras.

Bender:You're looking at the last chemical darkroom in existence.

Bender:Yo, Calky! I'm a big fan, and I've got a big camera.

Bender:Try one where you're pretending to swing a tennis racquet.

Bender:Over here, Calculon! Come on, smile. Quit blinking. Red eye. Blurry. Lens cap's still on.

Calculon:At last, we can enjoy our studio-mandated quality time.

Calculon:Argh! I can't not work like this. I'll be in my day-off trailer.

Bender:And I took this one inside the ichthyosaur's stomach. Man, I've never had anyone try so hard to digest me.

Bender:Yeah, but a true photo buff wouldn't even use these for toilet paper. Not if curtains were available.

Dr. Zoidberg:Us People Magazine? That's total trash. Total celebrity trash. My inquiring organ wants to know.

Bender:I have no time for such foolishness.

Bender:Well, I changed my mind and came to Hollywood after all.

Editor:In fact, you might just have what it takes to be a paparazzo. Namely, a camera.

Bender · Editor:Wait, a what's-a-whatzo? A paparazzo. You know, a celebrity photographer.

Bender · Editor:Hmm, I don't know. How much will it cost me? You misunderstand, Bender. We'll pay you.

Bender:Sir, you just hired yourself a new what's-a-whatzo.

Bender:Nice to meet you. And even though it's only my first day, I want you all to know that I'm already better than you. Stay out of my way!

Dr. Zoidberg · Bender:Only a documentary about the greatest actor in the world. Ah, yes, Calculon. No, not that scene-chewing ham.

Documentary narrator:He's raked in seven Academy Awards for best actor and two for best actress, all without ever removing his trademark bag.

Documentary narrator:Langdon Cobb's acting is always in the bag.

Bender:Once again, television has given me a reason to live.

Bender:One 60-foot ladder, please.

Bender:What are you, some kind of attack fungus? Or just a moldy schnauzer?

Bender:Oh, God, please let this tacky Hollywood mansion have the obligatory... Yes! Tuscan-inspired pergola!

Bender:Peace out, Portobello.

Bender:Wait. Say that again, but say, 'Tremendous consequences.'

Bender:I swear on my honor as a paparazzo.

Bender:Hmm... He looked at the photo and that happened. But it could just be a coincidence.

Bender:The evidence is mounting. Although two times hardly establishes a pattern. I'd feel more comfortable raising the alarm if I were a little more certain.

Hermes:Hey, how'd those two get deflated? They looked at this.

Bender:That proves it. Looking at this photo of Langdon Cobb has a horrific effect on living creatures.

Bender · Dr. Zoidberg:Hey, Zoidberg, look at this photo of Langdon Cobb. What, a picture of Langdon Cobb? Now, this I want to see as clearly as possible.

Professor Farnsworth:They're attention parasites. They feed on the admiration of their prey. Just like the noble buffalo.

Leela:Nothing like a buffalo.

Leela · Professor Farnsworth:So the picture robbed them of their souls? Souls? Don't be ridiculous. It's their life forces that have been stolen. It's scientific.

Professor Farnsworth:That's why the robot's immune. He has no soul. Life force!

Bender:If we poke a hole in Cobb's bag, will they spew out like a volcano built on an Indian graveyard?

Professor Farnsworth:The ego and the id are connected not physically, like decent, God-fearing Earth lichens, but by quantum entanglement.

Fry:Let's just give up and go to the aquarium again.

Bender:All right, let's go. It'll be just like stomping a puppy.

Zoidberg:Look, I own words that are helpful.

Professor Farnsworth:Quiet, Zoidberg. God, I wish you were a husk.

Calculon:Lo, the worm has turned.

Calculon:He beats me out for every award, every role, every paternity suit.

Bender:That's Romeo and Juliet, dummy, by Will.i.am Shakespeare.

Calculon:Food coloring? The most poisonous substance known to robots?

Calculon:I must perform the ultimate death scene. I shall drink the actual poison and actually die.

Leela · Calculon:But, Calculon, you can't kill yourself. I'm a celebrity. I can kill anyone I want.

Bender:I always come in stinky.

Bender:Whoof! I beg to differ.

Professor Farnsworth:It's going totally Kanye.

Bender:There's a humungous fungus among us.

Bender:At least he died knowing I was great.

Professor Farnsworth:It just has to warm up for about 15 minutes.

Langdon Cobb:Aw! Did you miss me, pookie?

Bender:Eh... Contrast is a little off on this one.

Bender:This one is really good. But I can still do better.

Leela:Oh, God, just kill us already.

Leela:Oh, God, just kill us already.

Bender:Oops! Nonetheless, I finally nailed it.

Langdon Cobb:It doesn't work that way, you imbecile. Although it's really quite a nice portrait. The contrast is exquisite. And the composition sublime.

Langdon Cobb · Bender:I look spectacular. Aw, man. My great photo only made his ego bigger.

Leela:I got to admit, this time, it'll be a pleasure to be in your picture.

Bender · Everyone · Bender:Say, 'Bender is great.' Bender is great! Neat.