Lesser Of Two Evils

Narrator:Cop Department is real. The people are not actors. Most aren't even people.

Cop:Then Why is there a smoking hole in your ceiling?

Suspect · Cop:Crazy upstairs lady's been shooting doWn. You're on the top floor of this domicile.

Cop:While you're at it, unblur your face.

Fry · Bender:Bender, you said you were in this episode. No. I'm on Caught on Tape Three for what I did in the coffee pot.

Ad Narrator · Voice:Is today's lifestyle making you tense and impatient? Shut up and get to the point!

Ad Narrator:It's like living in the year 2000.

Theme Park Actors:Let's disco dance, Hammurabi. "Dy-no-mite!"

Fry:If I ever wanna go back, I'll freeze myself again.

Leela · Fry:You know I yearn for a simpler time of barn dances and buggy rides before life was cheapened by heartless machines. But Bender, you are a...

Fake Mugger · Tourist:Give me your wallet or I'll cut you! Get a picture of me being "mugged."

Fake Mugger:Give me the camera too!

Wall Street Actor:No! I'm ruined!

Tour Guide · Fry:Which has yet to be deciphered. Do you know? Yes. A cop told me. It means, "Up yours."

Bender:Hey, a suicide booth! So long, suckers!

Leela · Fry:Sorry, Bender, that's just a phone booth. What were they used for? In New York? Bathrooms.

Fry · Leela:"Tokens only." How does this work? I'll show you.

Fry · Leela:What's this? Another bathroom? It's a mobile apartment with no rent.

Tour Guide:The tomb of the 20th century's greatest spiritual leader... Al Sharpton.

Tour Guide:He was mummified in ceremonial vestments. We called it a "jogging suit."

Traffic Actors:Move it, crap for brains! Get on, bastard man!

Tour Guide · Bender:Here is a 20th century assembly line where cars Were constructed by primitive robots. We've come a long way, baby.

Bender:We've come a long way, baby.

Fry:My girlfriend had one! Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend... she just never closed her curtains.

Leela:Didn't I tell you to end your stories a sentence earlier?

Fry:I'm sorry. You work here. I should have known from that getup.

Flexo:This is from Miller's Outpo... I mean, yeah, I work here all right.

Fry:No one in New York drove. There was too much traffic.

Bender:There's a baby in there, huh?

Fry:It's just like riding a bicy...

Bender · Leela:I think I got whiplash. How? You don't have a neck. I meant ass whiplash.

Leela:I'm glad we hit something. I thought we'd never stop.

Flexo:I think I got whiplash.

Zoidberg · Leela:We did all we could. You mean he's... Good as new? Yes!

Leela:Except for that stylish beard, he looks just like Bender!

Flexo · Bender:No duh! We're both bending units. What's your serial number? 3370318. No way! Mine's 2716057.

Fry · Flexo:I don't get it. We're both the sum of two cubes.

Flexo:Well, I don't feel as bad as you look.

Flexo:I'm just messing with you. You're okay. That's some face you've got. There's a cream for that.

Flexo · Fry:Your stunt did a number on my back. You mind rubbing it for me? Sure. That's it. A little lower. How's that? Lower. That's it. A little lower, though. I can't get any lower. I'll say. You're rubbing my ass!

Bender:Check it out. Six beautiful devices. They know what you like, and they do it to within one micron.

Bender · Flexo:Spin those fans, baby. Yeah, baby! All right, mama! Spin it, baby. Gyrate it, honey!

Fry · Bender:I don't like this place. It's 120 with little oxygen. Shut up and hoot.

Bender:Hubba-hubba! She is built! In Mexico, I believe. And that ain't silicon. It's tungsten, and plenty of it.

Flexo · Bender:Yeah. Look at that exhaust fan. Pervert.

Flexo · Fry:How about a lap dance for my pal here? No. That's all right. Really.

Flexo:Get it? It's chlorine! It's funny because it's poisonous.

Flexo:Keep laughing, shrimp.

Fry · Leela:He's bad news. I regret hitting him. Take a rage dump. He's no worse than Bender.

Fry · Leela:He is. He drinks, smokes and posts naked photos of me. That's Bender. I'm talking about Flexo.

Leela:I get it. This is cute. You're jealous of Bender's new friend.

Fry · Leela:No, I'm not! Mark my words: Flexo's evil. He's the evil Bender. Rage dump.

Professor:Everyone, get in bed with me. I have something to show you.

Professor · Amy · Bender · Leela · Fry:Feast your eyes on this! It's beautiful! And huge! Can I touch it? What is it, already?

Professor · Fry:It's a single atom of Jumbonium. An element so rare the nucleus alone is worth more than $50,000. How much more? 100,000.

Professor · Leela:That's why I hid it under my mattress. Can we discuss this somewhere else? Why certainly.

Amy · Leela · Professor:When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being Miss Universe. That's pathetic. Deep down, all girls wanna be Miss Universe. Not me. Really? Maybe it's just cute girls.

Flexo · Fry · Professor:Mister Professor, right here! We should stick with people we know. Flexo's great, but... Flexo's great? That's good enough for me.

Leela · Fry:You'll take eight-hour guard shifts. Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. Wait. Hold on. Let's go alphabetically. Okay. Bender, then Flexo, then Fry. Go by rank. Okay. Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.

Fry · Flexo:Flexo outranks me? That's "Flexo outranks me, sir!"

Bender:Just because he has a beard you label him as evil? I've got a label for you, an ugly word called "prejudice."

Fry · Bender:I'm not prejudiced. Save it for the cross burning, Adolf!

Flexo · Fry:Suit yourself, skinbag. I will. Good! Good! Good!

Flexo:Eight hours of solid boredom. I'm kidding. You're a wonderful man.

Leela · Bender · Professor:How did he steal the atom? By using a sleep ray. Sleep rays exist, right? No. Then I fell asleep.

Bender:Keep an eye on Fry. It's possible that he did it.

Fry · Bender:Why are you looking for Flexo in my underpants? He wasn't here 10 minutes ago, so I thought I'd check again.

Bender:And leave me high and dry in case of a scavenger hunt? No way.

Fry · Bender:Wait. You're Bender. Who said I wasn't?

Bender:It's a little thing called style. Look it up sometime.

Crush-A-Nator:Thank you, Bob Barker. I'm as happy as a girl can be. End statement.

Bob Barker:You lost the atom, huh? You're garbage! Human garbage!

Fry · Bob Barker:$200,000? $200,001? You're closest without going over.

Bob Barker:I may be against the fur industry, but I'll skin you alive! As long as no one wears the skin.

Bender · Flexo · Leela:Shoot him, he's choking me! No. Shoot him, he's choking me! I don't know which one to shoot!

Leela · Bender:Bender? You stole the atom? Yeah, but I can explain: It's very valuable.

Fry · Professor:Wait a second. Bender is the evil Bender? I am shocked! Shocked! Well, not that shocked.

Leela · Flexo:I'm sorry we suspected you, Flexo. But with the beard... Don't even bother! You people sicken me! I put my life on the line. This is how you repay me? You can go rot for all I care!

Flexo:I'm just kidding. You guys are all right.

Fry:I'm so confused. The Bender I like is evil, and the Bender I hate is good. How can I live my life and not tell good from evil?

Leela:They're both fine choices. Whatever floats your boat.

Zapp:Are you people idiots? I'm still going mano a mano with this envelope.

Bender · Leela · Fry:You guys are losers... but I made out with the woman from the Radiator Planet. Fry, that's a radiator. Is there a burn ward nearby?