Xmas Story

Conan O'Brien's head:Someone forgot to feed Max!

Conan O'Brien's head:So, people are getting pretty worried about this Y2K problem, huh?

audience member:No! They fixed that 900 years ago!

audience member:I doubt it!

Conan O'Brien's head:Listen, I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the War of 2012... but I've still got something you'll never have: a soul! And freckles!

Bender:Let's face it. Comedy's a dead art form. Now, tragedy? That's funny.

Professor Farnsworth:I'm glad global warming never happened. Actually, it did. Thank God, Nuclear Winter canceled it out.

Fry:At least you're not cold-blooded.

Hermes:Sweet lion of Zion, look at the professor go!

Fry · Bender:Trees down! Trees doWn! Cool. What if you want the trees up? Trees up! Trees down. Trees doWn.

Bender:Lick my frozen metal ass.

Zoidberg:They came in last at the Olympics and retired to promote alcoholic drinks.

Leela:Like when you say 'ask' instead of 'ax.'

Professor Farnsworth:Pine trees have been extinct for 800 years, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle and your primitive notions of modesty.

Fry:Ah! Brisk.

Fry:Dad would whip up his special eggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.

Scruffy:Happy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards have arrived! Xmas!

Bender:Yes, I got the most! I win Xmas!

Zoidberg:Instead of Claus, he writes 'Claws.' Now that's humorous. Today's comedians could learn from this card.

Fry:I'm the loneliest person on Earth.

Amy · Professor Farnsworth:She's an orphan. Yes. And the only one of her species in all the known universe.

Fry:I feel like a rat. I've been whining like a pig while Leela was lonely as a frog.

Bender:You'd have to be blind not to notice that Leela's a Cyclops.

Hermes:Fry's over there, man.

Morbo:Homeless robots, too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they need to fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there would have to be a lot of them.

Leela · Bender:Right. As if you ever did anything charitable. I'm very generous. What about that time I gave blood? Whose blood? Some guy's.

Professor Farnsworth:I know about Santa Claus. Back in 2801, the Friendly Robot Company built a robotic Santa...

Fry:I'm one of those lazy homeless bums I've been hearing about. Can you point me to the free booze?

Robot:There's a suicide booth in the Food Court. Though there's a line this time of year.

Robot vendor:A surface-to-Santa rocket launcher. Comes with 3 jolly-seeking missiles.

Pet shop owner · Fry:Best is a matter of opinion. I personally like the electric snail. That's a stupid animal. You're stupid. I said I want the best one.

Pet shop owner · Fry:The parrot is $500. That's a hell of a good parrot. Although, I could get 500 lizards for the same price. Girls like swarms of lizards, right?

Parrot:Shut the hell up!

Hermes:I ax him to set the table. And he goes out to buy you a present. Selfish dog.

Fry:You saved my life. I am going to get you so many lizards.

Fry · Robot Santa:Well, check it twice. I perform over 50 mega-checks per second.

Robot Santa:Did either of you ever stop to think about Doctor Zoidberg's feelings?

Fry · Robot Santa:What about the traditional glass of hard cider? Oh, all right. But just one glass.

Robot Santa:I'll shove coal so far up your stocking, you'll cough up diamonds!

Leela:I never thought it'd end this way, gunned down by Santa Claus. Honestly, I didn't see it coming.

Robot Santa:Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W. missile.

Robot Santa:On the fourth day of Xmas I stole from that lady: Four family photos, Three jars of pennies, Two former husbands, And a slipper on a shoe tree

Robot Santa · Bender:You've been very naughty, Bender! I didn't do nothing. You're thinking of the kid.

Santa:My God, Bender. Framing an orphan? That's so naughty I'll have to add it to my list right now.

Amy · Professor Farnsworth:But I sold my hair to a wigmaker to buy a set of combs for Hermes. Oh, the irony. I sold my hair so I could buy this third set of combs for Zoidberg.

Hermes · Amy · Amy:A set of combs for your beautiful hair. / Oh, that's so sweet. / But I sold my hair to a wigmaker to buy a set of combs for Hermes.

Zoidberg:Finally I look as pretty as I feel.

Hermes:Sweet manatee of Galilee! He's on the roof!

Robot Santa · Zoidberg:Except you, Doctor Zoidberg. This is for you. A pogo stick.

Leela:Come on, everybody. If you don't believe in him, he can't hurt you. Oh, God, the pain!

Fry:Oh, God, the pain!

Leela:Watch out, his belly's shaking like a bowl full of nitroglycerine.

Bender:You got the toenail.

Fry:And even though I'm surrounded by robots and monsters and old people... I've never felt more at home.

All:He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when you're on the can, He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan

Robot Santa:Next Xmas!