A Tale Of Two Santas

News Anchor · Morbo:There were no survivors. - It takes all kinds.

Bender:This guy's too trustworthy. What's his angle?

Walter Cronkite:Gingerbread Massacre

Walter Cronkite:lock your children in the closet

Hermes:Sacred boar of Western Samoa!

Bender:Fine. I'm getting tired of this wood show.

Professor:I've only a few years to live. I don't want to spend them dead.

Amy:Oh! Pushing.

Professor:Bring it on, Santa. That vicious cadaver-junkie can't touch us

Professor:In a related matter, you'll deliver this sack of letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.

Fry:These letters are real butt-nutters.

Letter Writer:The bicycle you fired at me last year from your bike gun tore up my insides.

Letter Writer:You choked him with a chestnut last year, and he's beginning to smell.

Leela:It's time to sit on Santa's lap, and hard!

Neptunians:Want to buy a tiny kidney? - I'll let you punch me for a buck.

Neptunians:No, we're Neptunians. - We're tiny because he won't feed us.

Neptunian:You hit me. You owe me a dollar.

Leela · Neptunian:You live in a gingerbread house. - It's food or shelter, not both.

Neptunian:There's no toys made. Santa says everyone is naughty.

Leela · Bender:An omen? - Dinner.

Robot Santa:Let's see who's been naughty and who's been naughty.

Robot Santa:Shopkeepers not paying protection money. Exactly as naughty.

Robot Santa:Don't you ever knock? Who knows what naughty things I could be watching? I get New Orleans on this thing.

Robot Santa:Nice try, but my head was built with paradox-absorbing crumple zones.

Leela · Bender:Why aren't we moving? - I don't know. Usually when I do stuff like this the ship moves.

Leela · Fry:No human could do all that. - Evel Knievel could.

Bender:Crap! I'm some sort of robot.

Bender:I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either, but that didn't stop me.

Neptunian Elves:The machines are kind of tricky / Probably someone will be killed

Neptunian Elf:There's a toy lodged in my brain

Bender:You selfish little bastards

Bender:If I weren't stuck here I'd harpoon you in the eye

Bender:I don't know, moron. Suppose I bend them?

Mom:Kids, take your suicide pills so you won't suffer!

Bender:No, wait! I'm the good Santa. I've got toys at reasonable prices.

Crowd Member:He's the father of all lies and the uncle of all tricks!

Bender · Woman:What's in these things? - Why don't you slip into something more fiery?

Kwanza-Bot:At least they understand you. Nobody's down with this Kwanza tip.

Kwanza-Bot:I've been giving these out for 647 years.

Professor:Bathtub eggnog, just the way Grandma used to drink.

Professor:Can't I have a scented bath in peace?

Professor:Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken MP3.

Bender:This creates an unrealistic standard of beauty.

Police Officers:I smell a juicy promotion for me. - And a juicy rehiring for me.

Bender · Judge Whitey:Not Santa. - There he is again!

Judge Whitey:I'm sorry. I thought you was corn.

Lawyer:Yet you haven't said what I told you to say. How can we trust you?

Judge Whitey:Badger? Where?

Bender:It's not fair. I hope that dumb chicken is ashamed of himself.

Executioner · Robot Devil:Santa, when you see the robot devil, tell him I'm coming. - I heard him.

Leela · Professor · Amy:The factory's pollution caused a greenhouse effect. - That would explain this heat. - And your shorts.

Robot Santa:Look out, Earth. I'm dreaming of a red Xmas.

Executioner · Professor · Leela · Executioner:When I pull the switch, these electromagnets will tear you apart. - A most humane death. - But that doesn't sound humane! - It is for the witnesses because it's not boring.

Zoidberg:And I'm his friend, Jesus.

Judge Whitey:How dare you lie in front of Jesus!

Judge Whitey · Zoidberg:Get him, Jesus! - I help those who help themselves.

Robot Santa:Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?

Fry:This wangs chung.

Bender:Huddled together in fear like lice in a burning wig.

Fry:Don't you see? Fear has brought us together. That's the magic of Xmas.

Kwanza-Bot · Chanukah Zombie:Didn't you hear? Chanukah Zombie is having a luau. You coming? - Word!

Bender · Robot Santa:Chief, you screwed up. There's nothing here. - Oh, it might appear empty but the message is clear: Play Santa again, and I'll kill you next year!