A Planet Express mission to Robot Santa's colony on Neptune leaves the murderous robot trapped in the frozen sea, and Bender takes over as Santa, vowing to bring peace and goodwill to Xmas again. But when Bender is mistaken for the real Robot Santa, he is arrested and sentenced to death.
WAR
56.1
Wins Above Replacement
“A Tale Of Two Santas” ranks #28 of 170 Futurama episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 82.4 — Elite. The episode packs 62 scored jokes at 4.3 per minute, averaging 7.0 on craft and 6.8 on impact, with Bender landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Robot Santa: Nice try, but my head was built with paradox-absorbing crumple zones.
Robot Santa: Let's see who's been naughty and who's been naughty.
Robot Santa: Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?
Robot Santa: Look out, Earth. I'm dreaming of a red Xmas.
Bender: Huddled together in fear like lice in a burning wig.
Bender Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 62 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ News Anchor · Morbo: There were no survivors. - It takes all kinds.
Bender: This guy's too trustworthy. What's his angle?
Bender Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Walter Cronkite: Gingerbread Massacre
Walter Cronkite: lock your children in the closet
Hermes: Sacred boar of Western Samoa!
Hermes Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Bender: Fine. I'm getting tired of this wood show.
Bender Character Comedy Misdirection Professor: I've only a few years to live. I don't want to spend them dead.
Professor Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Amy Reaction Beat Physical/Slapstick Professor: Bring it on, Santa. That vicious cadaver-junkie can't touch us
Professor Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Professor: In a related matter, you'll deliver this sack of letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.
Fry: These letters are real butt-nutters.
Fry Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Letter Writer: The bicycle you fired at me last year from your bike gun tore up my insides.
Letter Writer: You choked him with a chestnut last year, and he's beginning to smell.
Leela: It's time to sit on Santa's lap, and hard!
Leela Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Neptunians: Want to buy a tiny kidney? - I'll let you punch me for a buck.
Neptunians: No, we're Neptunians. - We're tiny because he won't feed us.
Neptunian: You hit me. You owe me a dollar.
Leela · Neptunian: You live in a gingerbread house. - It's food or shelter, not both.
Neptunian: There's no toys made. Santa says everyone is naughty.
Leela · Bender: An omen? - Dinner.
Robot Santa: Let's see who's been naughty and who's been naughty.
Robot Santa: Shopkeepers not paying protection money. Exactly as naughty.
Robot Santa: Don't you ever knock? Who knows what naughty things I could be watching? I get New Orleans on this thing.
Robot Santa: Nice try, but my head was built with paradox-absorbing crumple zones.
Leela · Bender: Why aren't we moving? - I don't know. Usually when I do stuff like this the ship moves.
Leela · Fry: No human could do all that. - Evel Knievel could.
Bender: Crap! I'm some sort of robot.
Bender: I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either, but that didn't stop me.
Bender Character Comedy Callback ★ Rewatch Neptunian Elves: The machines are kind of tricky / Probably someone will be killed
Neptunian Elf: There's a toy lodged in my brain
Bender: You selfish little bastards
Bender Character Comedy Escalation Bender: If I weren't stuck here I'd harpoon you in the eye
Bender Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Bender: I don't know, moron. Suppose I bend them?
Bender Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Mom: Kids, take your suicide pills so you won't suffer!
Mom Dark/Subversive Escalation Bender: No, wait! I'm the good Santa. I've got toys at reasonable prices.
Bender Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Crowd Member: He's the father of all lies and the uncle of all tricks!
Bender · Woman: What's in these things? - Why don't you slip into something more fiery?
Kwanza-Bot: At least they understand you. Nobody's down with this Kwanza tip.
Kwanza-Bot: I've been giving these out for 647 years.
Professor: Bathtub eggnog, just the way Grandma used to drink.
Professor: Can't I have a scented bath in peace?
Professor: Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken MP3.
Bender: This creates an unrealistic standard of beauty.
Bender Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Police Officers: I smell a juicy promotion for me. - And a juicy rehiring for me.
Bender · Judge Whitey: Not Santa. - There he is again!
Judge Whitey: I'm sorry. I thought you was corn.
Lawyer: Yet you haven't said what I told you to say. How can we trust you?
Lawyer Setup/Punchline Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Judge Whitey: Badger? Where?
Bender: It's not fair. I hope that dumb chicken is ashamed of himself.
Bender Character Comedy Misdirection Executioner · Robot Devil: Santa, when you see the robot devil, tell him I'm coming. - I heard him.
Leela · Professor · Amy: The factory's pollution caused a greenhouse effect. - That would explain this heat. - And your shorts.
Robot Santa: Look out, Earth. I'm dreaming of a red Xmas.
Executioner · Professor · Leela · Executioner: When I pull the switch, these electromagnets will tear you apart. - A most humane death. - But that doesn't sound humane! - It is for the witnesses because it's not boring.
Zoidberg: And I'm his friend, Jesus.
Zoidberg Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Judge Whitey: How dare you lie in front of Jesus!
Judge Whitey · Zoidberg: Get him, Jesus! - I help those who help themselves.
Robot Santa: Bender, won't you join my slaying tonight?
Fry Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Bender: Huddled together in fear like lice in a burning wig.
Bender Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Fry: Don't you see? Fear has brought us together. That's the magic of Xmas.
Fry Setup/Punchline Observational ★ Rewatch Kwanza-Bot · Chanukah Zombie: Didn't you hear? Chanukah Zombie is having a luau. You coming? - Word!
Bender · Robot Santa: Chief, you screwed up. There's nothing here. - Oh, it might appear empty but the message is clear: Play Santa again, and I'll kill you next year!