The Gang Solves the Bathroom Problem

Charlie:I hope he plays 'The Piña Colada Song,' man...

Dennis:Yeah, no, I know the song, I know the song, but it's sung by a man named Rupert Holmes.

Dennis:We've been going to see Buffett for 20 years. Have you ever heard him play it?

Charlie:No, but he's not gonna play all of his hits every single time.

Dee:Were you in the women's room?

Dee:Well, don't do that. Don't use my bathroom.

Mac:Why not?

Dee:'Cause it's my bathroom, and you're a man.

Mac:Oh, no. Well, now, as a gay man, I just feel more comfortable in the ladies' room...

Dee:Oh, come on, the... with the gay thing again.

Charlie:Oh, I hope he plays that one.

Mac:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dennis:We all do.

Mac:Yeah, he won't, he won't.

Dee:Maybe you're antiquated. Maybe I'm...

Mac:Get off me! Get off me! Get him off me!

Frank:We should've got cheeseburgers.

Dennis:Well, Frank, you know, I'm saving my cheeseburgers for paradise.

Charlie:That is Buffett, that one, right?

Dennis:Well, Frank, you know, I'm saving my cheeseburgers for paradise.

Mac:Well, 'A,' we both like dudes, and 'B,' we both find women's bodies disgusting, so there's no hanky-panky.

Everyone immediately agrees: 'Well, that tracks' 'Yeah, sure, that makes sense'

Dee:Okay, 'A,' not all women like dudes... lesbians, for example... and, 'B,' I find you disgusting.

Mac:I don't know why you're being such a bitch about this, Dee. I've been pooping next to you for months.

Mac:You've been in the stall next to me. I-I recognize you from those pink heels you have.

Dee:I don't own pink heels.

Mac:Yes, you do.

Mac:The ones with the straps that, that makes those giant feet look so dainty and cute.

Dennis:Charlie, I do hope that the explaining you're gonna do is about why this bathroom is so much cleaner than ours.

Mac:Those are the pink heels I was talking about.

Dennis:Charlie, are you a cross-dresser?

Charlie:No. I just like to use the women's bathroom, because it's, you know, it's quieter, it's less crowded. And very clean.

Charlie:I slip on the heels, in case someone looked under the stall. I didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable.

Charlie:The wig is just in case someone peeks over the top... Goddamn it. The dress just ties the whole look together, so, you know.

Charlie:Goddamn it. It... Look, the dress just ties the whole look together, so, you know.

Charlie:I was raised by a single mother... she carried around a dress with her. She would slip it on, and I would go in and out of the women's bathroom and no one would notice.

Charlie:It's the only way I can poop, so...

Dennis:Oh, okay. It is what it is, and it is very strange, but it does bring up an interesting point.

Dennis:Well... He's-he's not transgender, but he identifies as a woman when he poops.

Dee:No. No. Goddamn it, you're only saying that 'cause my bathroom's nicer.

Dennis:Is that, is that a hand dryer?

Frank:Oh, damn.

Dennis:Yeah, there's a hand dryer in here.

Dee:Oh, goddamn it.

Frank:So, now what's happening, you got wheelchair guy's back there throwing babies around trying to get them in wheelchairs?

Frank:Why do I have to keep learning new things?

Frank:I don't like thinking about gender fluids. Like, just, uh, it's a gross image to me.

Mac:That makes me uncomfortable, because I'm not neutral about my gender.

Mac:Hey, do you know how to get Russian malware out of a computer? No. Then the computer's broken.

Mac:It's just dicks. No. There's... I mean, yes. There are a couple of dicks, but... It's mostly dicks. That's a lot of dicks.

Mac:No, there's also pictures of road kill and roast beef sandwiches to accurately depict what a vagina looks like.

Dennis:I assume the dollar sign is meant to represent Jews?

Frank:Well, it ain't the Mormons.

Frank:Because I want to know who's in there, because it'll make me feel safer.

Both signs say 'toilet.' That's a good point. I think that would work... We solved it!

Frank:A woman is not a lady when she's dumping up a john.

Frank:Well, because I just don't want to share my bathroom with a bunch of broads... A woman is not a lady when she's dumping up a john.

Dee:My body, my choice. It says so in the Constitution...

Dennis:Okay, well, the Bible says...

Mac:Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no, no, no. Guys, don't do this. No, come on.

Dennis:We veer wildly off-topic, and the next thing you know, we're having some ridiculous argument that has nothing to do with what we're trying to solve, you know.

Dennis:Then we're arguing about racism or whether or not ghouls exist.

Charlie:They do, though, 'cause I've seen one.

Mac:You stupid twink! I'm a bear! I'm a bear! You wish you were a bear!

Dennis:This is not Buffett. This is not... We're not being very Buffett right now.

Frank:Room number one for when you got to empty your balls, and room number two for when you got to empty your butt.

Dennis:Pee is not in your balls, but... yeah. Okay.

Charlie:You ever see their eyes when they're doing it? They know. Yeah. They look at you like this.

Mac:I wouldn't do that.

Dennis:Really?

Mac:Yeah.

Charlie:I'd poop in the pee room.

Dennis:I would poop immediately in the pee room. 100% of the time I will shit in the piss room.

A loud noise, like screaming. Or just music. Let's do music.

Mac:The screaming's kind of cool, right? It's better. It's better. Works better than the music.

Charlie:I did something in there. I'm not gonna tell you what, though.

Frank:The walls are too high. I don't know where to aim.

Frank:The walls are too high. I don't know where to aim.

Dennis:Aim? Aim-aim at the bowl. The toilet.

Dennis:Why do you have a gun on the toilet?

Frank:I always carry a gun on the toilet. Otherwise, I can't make.

Frank:I always carry a gun on the toilet. Otherwise, I can't make.

Frank:There's a part in here that says that freed slaves are only three-fifths of a person.

Frank:There's a part in here that says that freed slaves are only three-fifths of a person.

Frank:White landowners would get a full bathroom. Everybody else gets three-fifths. How do you use three-fifths of a bathroom? Piss in the sink.

Mac:And we got to put up a sign so that they know their place.

Dennis:Now, are-are you proposing that we put a sign on one of the bathrooms that says 'minorities only'?

Mac:No, no, it's super progressive. Yeah, i-it's a bathroom for women, non-whites, and gays.

Dennis:Wait a second, Dee. So now you're okay with Mac using your bathroom?

Dee:Yeah. As long as the majority of the people aren't taking a shit in my bathroom, sure.

Dennis:I like mine with lettuce and tomato. ♪ Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes. ♪ But that's just me, you know?

Frank:Hawaiians are savages.

Mac:And societies are judged on how they treat their most vulnerable. See, we have to give voices to those who have no voice.

Mac:Shut up, Dee! I'm talking! Women are always... Goddamn it.

Mac:We need to change our attitudes. We need to change our latitudes.

Charlie:Wait, wait, wait! I just looked up the demographics of Philly. It says here that this city is 54% women and 68% Christian.

Charlie:It says here that this city is 54% women and 68% Christian... which means that Mac and Dee are in the majority... which means white men, like me and Dennis, are in the minority.

Mac:I don't know. They're at war.

Frank:You are white. And I'm a...? Man. And that would make me...? In the minority. Which means I go towards...? Us.

Dennis:Finally, a win for straight white men, right?

Frank:Yeah! Finally, something for us. Something for the guys.

Charlie:♪ Aruba, Jamaica... ♪

Mac:That's Beach Boys.

Charlie:It is.

Mac:You used Buffett's words to promote discrimination, dude. It's not cool.

Charlie:♪ Aruba, Jamaica... ♪ That's Beach Boys. It is. I don't know the songs.

Mac:It's about a guy trying to cheat on his wife.

Dennis:Don't tell me that, man. It's, like, such a happy song.

Charlie:As a straight man who poops transgender...

You got to just let that go.

Charlie:I'll probably stop doing that.

It's not a thing.

Charlie:In there, we're all just disgusting, vulnerable, ashamed. Like a bunch of filthy animals dumping in a shithouse.

Dennis:Dee... we were just talking, and you just barged right in... Shut the fuck up. Like, interrupting and talking nonsense.

All:Visual: Final bathroom signs that are completely illegible scribbles

Everyone singing Piña Colada song with wrong lyrics as they go to concert