The Ex Girlfriend

I'm always in traffic with the lane expert. Do you know this type of person? Constantly re-evaluating their lane choice. Never quite sure: 'Is this the best lane for me, for my life?'

Yeah, come on over here, pal. We're zooming over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.

But we know that in the future, traffic will get even worse than that. What will happen? Will it start moving backwards?

'Boy, this is some really bad traffic now. This is really bad. I'm gonna try and get off, and get back on going the other way.'

I'd be looking at her face, I'd go, 'Come on. Love her. Love her.'

She'd tell me she loved me. All right, so at first, I'd just look at her. I'd go, 'Oh, really?' Or, 'Boy, that's... That's something.'

I'm on the couch, she's on the chair. I get up to go to the bathroom, I come back... she's on the couch. What am I supposed to do? Not do anything? I couldn't. I would've insulted her.

Do it like a Band-Aid. One motion, right off!

No, I don't want to sit in back. I'll be left out of the conversation. I'll have to stick my chin on top of the seat.

I think you're afraid to sit next to a man. You're a little homophobic, aren't you? Is it that obvious?

And then the verbal hellos stopped... and we just went into these little sort of nods of recognition.

Now there's this intense animosity whenever we pass. I mean, it's like we really hate each other. It's based on nothing.

A relationship is an organism. You created this thing... and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened in The Blob.

Would you do that? If I was a different person.

Yes, I know I have the wrong number. I want to know if I dialled wrong or...

Why? Why do they just hang up like that?

I'm not pulling a shopping cart. Am I supposed to wear a kerchief... put stockings on rolled below my knee?

Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

I told her, in the kitchen. Which was risky, because it's near all the knives.

There's this voice inside me going, 'You're doing it.' Then she started to cry, and I weakened a little bit. I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry, the voice said: 'Keep going. Keep going. You're almost out.'

It's like I was making a prison break. I'm heading for the wall. And I trip and twist my ankle and they throw that light on you. You know? Somehow I get through the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. She's firing at me from the guard towers.

I like that Marlene. What's her number? Yeah, no, I... I don't think so.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

As I'm getting out, I feel all these eyes on me. So I look up, and everyone is just staring at me.

Hey, you know, Jerry... just because George and I don't see each other... doesn't mean we shouldn't stay friends. No. Good enough. I'm really glad we got that settled.

The great thing, when you read Moby Dick the second time... Ahab and the whale become good friends.

And it's those meaningless, purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if I'm busy or anything. I just pick up the phone and she's in the middle of a sentence.

You know, sometimes she'll go, 'Hello, Jerry?' And I'll go, 'Oh, hi, Marlene.' And then it's, 'Jerry... I don't know sometimes.' 'Know sometimes.'

You can't. It's impossible. There's no break in the conversation where you can go: 'All right, then.' You know, it just goes on and on without a break in the wall.

Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion. Right off!

Yeah. 'Doctor.'

Waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. Because it says waiting room. There's no chance of not waiting... because they call it the waiting room. They're gonna use it.

You're thinking about them. Things like: 'I wonder what he's got.' And, 'Soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine.'

You stand up and kind of look around at the other people. 'Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later.'

You think you're gonna see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room. The littler waiting room.

You ever see these operating theatres that they have... with, like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing anything... that makes other doctors go, 'I have to see this.'

'Are you kidding? Are they gonna really do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in?' Do they scalp tickets to these things? 'I got two for the Winslow tumour. I got two.'

I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything. Touch this, feel that. 75 bucks. What's 75 bucks? What, am I seeing Sinatra in there? Am I being entertained? I don't understand this.

We just kissed a little. People kiss. Yeah.

See? That stinks. You can't eat that. Take that back. Cantaloupe like this should be out of circulation.

Jerry, have you ever taken a bath in the dark? I'm not talking into the soap right now. Call me back.

She's got this psychosexual hold over me. I just want her. I can't breathe. It's like a drug.

Why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me? It's partially you, yeah.

Apartment elevators are always slower than offices... because you don't have to be home on time. Unless you're married to a dictator. Because they'd be very demanding people.

Well, you know what they say, lucky in love, unlucky with fruit.

So I walked up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder and said: 'Hi, remember me?' And he furrows his brow... as if he's really trying to figure it out. So I said to him... I said, 'You little phoney. You know exactly who I am.'

You are the queen of confrontation. You're my new hero. You've inspired me. I'm gonna call George about something right now.

Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible? You're a fine person. You're a humanitarian. She's very sexy. That voice. She's driving me crazy. I know. I know.

I swallowed a fly! What do I do? What can happen?

I saw your act. My act? What does that have to do with anything? Well, to be honest... it just didn't make it for me. It's just so much fluff.

You're a cashier.

Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phoney, bogus names for the jobs we have. 'Right now, I'm the regional management supervisor. I'm in development, research, consulting.'

Men, on the other hand, if they are physically attracted to a woman... are not that concerned with her job, are we? Men don't really care. Men just go, 'Really, slaughterhouse? That where you work? Interesting. You got a big cleaver, just lopping their heads off? Sounds great. Listen, why don't you shower up... and we'll get some burgers and catch a movie.'