The Marine Biologist

We never should have landed a man on the moon. Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment. 'I can't believe they can land a man on the moon and taste my coffee.'

We'd go, 'They can't make a prescription bottle that'll open easily? I'm not surprised they couldn't land on the moon. Things make perfect sense.'

Neil Armstrong should've said, 'That's one small step for man, one giant leap for every whining, complaining SOB on the Earth.'

Hey, do you believe I got 'Happy New Year'd' today? It's February. I once got 'Happy New Year'd' in March.

Hey, is it cold out? Really cold. Scary cold? What's your definition of scary cold?

Visual gag: Jerry's reaction to seeing Kramer in an enormous Gore-Tex coat

It's Gore-Tex. You know about Gore-Tex? You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?

Look at you. You can't even turn around in that thing.

You mean just going there because I'm invited, that's rude? Instead of them being happy to see me, they'll be upset because I didn't bring anything.

The fabric of society is very complex, George.

I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi. You can't bring Pepsi. Why not? Because we're adults.

No way wine is better than Pepsi. I don't think we wanna walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table.

You're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.

You're comfortable up there, bubble boy.

Why don't we get them a couch. We'll rent a U-Haul. We'll bring them a nice sectional.

Ring Dings? Ring Dings are better than anything at a bakery. You can't show up at someone's house with Ring Dings and Pepsi.

I got news for you. I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi, I'm the hit of the party. 'Between you and me, I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi.'

What are we, Europeans, with the Beaujolais and the chardonnay?

I love the smell of bakeries. Look, Elaine, the black-and-white cookie. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony.

I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, it'll be a very smooth transition.

You think it's effeminate? It's a tad dainty.

See, that's not fair. We were here ahead of all these people. Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first.

Because I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get cold. Does the heater work in this car? No.

That's something I do. I make up stories to get ahead in lines at bakeries.

As soon as I get there, I'm gonna tell everyone what a jerk you are. I'll be there ahead of you and I'll be telling them what a jerk you are.

What's that? It's a Bordeaux. Robust, bold, very dry, as opposed to a Beaujolais, which is richer and fruitier.

I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says that it's bad for my spine. Throws my hips off-kilter.

So, what do you do? Oh, I get by.

Carrot cake? Why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake, I'm sorry.

Black Forest? Too scary. You're in the forest.

Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless warmonger. Might as well get a Mengele.

Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka. People love it. It should be on tables in restaurants with salt and pepper.

A black-and-white cookie for me. Peace.

Hey, anybody got change for a hundred? Are you crazy? What are you doing? Don't go shouting we got a $100 bill. People will be all over us.

George, get a Penthouse Forum. I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum. That'll make great dinner-party conversation. We'll read the letters at the dinner table.

You ever read one of these? It's not real. They're all made up. Oh, it's real. Then there's an unusual number of people having sex with amputees.

Big coat. Big coat! It's Gore-Tex. We better be careful with that thing. You'll start a war.

See, the key to eating a black-and-white cookie is you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate.

If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved. Your views on race relations are just fascinating. You really should do an op-ed piece for The Times.

What is this? It's a hair. You sold us a cake with a hair on it. You have to take a number.

What is wrong with my hair? Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head.

You use that misty herbal rainwater crap they sell in the health food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. Hundred proof, takes your roots out.

Imagine if we didn't bring the wine. We'd be shunned by society. Outcasts. 'Where's your wine? Get out!'

I really cannot comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes. Can you comprehend it? We can put a man on the moon, but we're still basically very stupid.

The guy whose car this is could be the guy that built the rocket. He could build the rocket. He's still stupid for double-parking.

This is how dictators start. Think Mussolini would circle the block six times for a spot? If I was running for office, I'd ask for the death penalty for double-parkers.

I once found a hair in my farina, and I freaked out. I screamed: 'There's a hair in my farina.' I ran out of the house. They found me three hours later collapsed at a construction site.

You wanna trade your hair for some phlegm. You win the pennant with that trade. Hair for phlegm.

Back off, puffball, it's not my car!

I am gonna pull that big hood over his little head, tie the strings, and suffocate him.

Not getting along? I think I got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.

If we can't look to the cookie, where can we look?

I haven't thrown up since June 29, 1980.

If they have individual personalities, I'm not sure we should be eating them.

No, no. We bought the wine here before. We're blocked in by some car double-parked. Well, wait outside. This isn't a hang out.

Oh, my God. That's Saddam Hussein, the dictator. I told you. I wouldn't walk around without a coat.

How about a nice box of scram?

Might've been Saddam Hussein. We're not sure. He had a British accent, though.

I heard a weatherman say that 75 percent of your body heat is actually lost through the top of the head. Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat.

This hat says to the world: 'I would rather have the heat in my skull than anything society could possibly offer me.'

If you're on trial for a serious crime, and your lawyer recommends the insanity defense, this is the hat to wear. Your Honor, the defense rests.