The Puerto Rican Day

Because ballpark food doesn't count as real food. Right. It's just an activity.

Like that paddle with the ball and rubber band.

You know, my friend Bob Saccamano made a fortune off of those. See, he came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before that, people would just hit the ball and it would fly away.

Those nachos are killing me. I thought you were hungry. It's complicated.

I'll tell you when you can go. Wait, wait, wait. Now, now, now. No, no, no. Now. Go, go. No, no. Wait. Wait. Now, now, now. Jerry, go--

You want me to moon him? Let's moon him. Roll up your window. Let's do a pressed ham under glass.

Blimp: The Hindenberg Story.

They should make a movie about all the Hindenberg flights that made it.

I yelled out, 'That's gotta hurt.' The place went nuts.

Imagine the laugh you could have gotten if you had yelled that out at the actual disaster.

It's the Puerto Rican Day parade. It's the Puerto Rican Day parade. The city shuts down Fifth Avenue. They never let anyone through.

I think every Puerto Rican in the world is out here. Well, it is our day.

Wrong car. Sorry.

How you can unwind with that clock ticking? It makes me anxious.

You know, you should make yourself throw up. You know you're going to.

You know who the grand marshal is of this thing? None other than Miss Chita Rivera. No, no, no. It was Maria Conchita Alonso. Oh, I know who it is. Stacy Keach.

This guy's giving me the stare-ahead. The stare-ahead, I hate that. I use it all the time.

Look at me. I am man. I am you.

You seem to be a tad askew.

I've been trying to leave this group for 10 years.

It's a performance, Jerry. Like what you do. That's not what I do. Isn't it? Maybe a little. Hell, I guess it is.

You know, actually, Jerry, you haven't worked a room that big in a while.

I hate it when their ears get flipped inside out like that. Why doesn't he fix it?

Hey! Fold your dog's ear back!

I could walk faster than this. No, you can't. Yes, I can. Here. I'm out of here.

Now it's moving. Oh, yeah, I knew it.

I think someone has one of those funny laser pointers.

The laser's not funny. I'm funny.

You know, my aunt had a thing removed with a laser.

We leave the car here. We take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block and we walk away. Walk away? Well, you've got insurance.

All right, what is your deductible? I don't know. Yes. Because they've already deducted it. From what? The car. Which we're leaving, so the net is zero.

If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.

That's gotta hurt! It's gotta hurt! Hurt! Because.... Damn you, laser guy!

You're just a prop comic. Where's the craft?

You raise the hand, lower the head. 'I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand. I haven't read the manual.' You get my drift.

Hey, Jerry, crank up the Floyd, it's a George Laserium.

Stay away from my breasts-- Chest!

And by the way, that was an 'I'm not sorry' wave. I'm glad I cut you off because black Saab rules. So long, jackass.

So if everyone would just put their cars in reverse at the same time, we can do this. All right, on the count of three. Can everyone hear me?

Hey, Amigo, are you paying attention? Buenos días, my friend. Not you. The guy in the Amigo.

Hey, I went to Tufts. It was my safety school. So don't talk to me about hardship.

I can't be blind, Jerry. The blind are courageous. You'll be fine, as long as it doesn't hit you in the pupil, because then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star.

They are a very festive people.

None of us saw the nylon flap. That might mean something.

I'm H. E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and a bicyclist.

I'm looking for a place where I can settle down with my peculiar habits and the women that I frequent with.

I spend that much on aftershave. Yes, I buy and sell men like myself every day.

All right, we can move faster without Father O'Gimpy.

I don't think I've ever seen a man driving a Saab convertible. Still haven't.

Wouldn't it bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror? Faster and faster, getting more intense, until--

I'm into this Puerto Rican Day. The sights, the sounds. The hot, spicy flavor of it all. It's caliente, Jerry.

Not Pennypacker. You know him? I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen.

Now the hunted becomes the hunter.

Let us out. There's an unmarried pregnant woman down here. Don't judge me.

That wasn't a laser pen. No. It's just a pen.

Oh, that's funny? No, you have, like, a dot on your face. Whoever's doing that is very clever.

Because it's Puerto Rican Day. Maybe we should stomp you like you stomp the flag.

I just have one thing to say to you boys. Mama!

Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory? The factory? The Saab factory? Jerry, that's in Sweden.

How do you suppose they did that? Well, there's no logical explanation.

Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now.

Hey, black Saab. Looks like that building cut you off. See you around. Well, at least he didn't-- Jackass.

Well, this was a fun day. It's nice to get out.