The Opposite

It's hard to justify, at this point in human history... the existence of men and their handkerchiefs.

Wallet, keys, mucous. Yup, got everything.

Is it because men can't give birth... are they just proud of anything that comes out of us?

We'll actually have a monogram sewn onto it... I have a snot rag.

I mean, of course, I deserve it.

I don't fool around, baby.

It's not working, Jerry.

I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party.

My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be.

I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad on rye... untoasted with a side of potato salad... and a cup of tea.

Chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna. Salmon's the opposite of tuna because salmon swim... against the current, and the tuna swim with it.

Good for the tuna.

Elaine, bald men with no jobs and no money... who live with their parents... don't approach strange women.

If every instinct you have is wrong... then the opposite would have to be right.

My name is George. I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents.

I'm Victoria. Hi.

You're going on Regis and Kathie Lee? Oh, you better believe it.

Coffee tables.

You know who you are? Even Steven.

Why shave every day? Just grows right back.

Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie!

Try me. Because I would love it!

I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.

So you heard that I was in a car accident... and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit?

If you got into a car accident... I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruits.

It's a coffee table book... about coffee tables. Is that clever?

See, the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table... it turns into a coffee table.

All over my Kathie Lee Casuals.

Because I got popcorn too. I ate that first.

Hey, I just found $20.

A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child.

this is my religion.

Well, I guess your messiah would be the Antichrist.

My last job was in publishing. I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman.

I find it hard to see the logic behind some of the moves... you have made with this fine organization... take our beloved Yankees and reduce them... to a laughingstock

Hire this man.

I didn't know who he was. That's why there's a buzzer.

I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you're going out with someone your size... right there, you double your wardrobe.

See, things always even out for me. It's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while... and good luck.

I put Canadian quarters... in the washing machine.

Was that the opposite of what you were going to say... or was that just your natural instinct?

Mr. Lippman. You forgot your handkerchief. It's on my desk.

I can't shake your hand right now. Germs.

Opposite.

I must've had eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk.

You knew he had a cold. How did you expect him to blow his nose?

I'm George. I'm George.

So I had a little conversation today with Mr. Don Mattingly. He's the first baseman. We talked about his new batting stance.

Let's call it even.