The Couch

Love seat is interesting. Some guy thought: 'If they won't sit closer to us why not just shorten the furniture?'

Why not call it the half-conscious-deadbeat-with-no-job-home-all-day...eating-Cheetos and-watching-TV recliner?

And it goes back so far, that thing. I mean, go to bed already. It's over. You're wiped.

So she got you to join a book club? I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon.

Well, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence.

Breakfast at Tiffany's. Ninety pages.

Oh, sure, Truman Capote. - He's a great writer. - Oh, yeah. - Ever read anything by him? - No. You? No.

I love this couch. The best part is it doesn't fold out...so no one can sleep over.

In a way, I feel like I'm getting a new couch. Yeah, so do I.

I can't wait to get me a fella and make my own pie.

They got a duck there, you think you died and went to heaven.

What do you think, Lainey? Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it. Oh, no, I don't want anyone sitting on it.

I'll see you chumps later.

Did you offer those guys a drink? No. Should I have? - What kind of a person are you? - I don't know.

Do you date moving men? You wanna know what I said? I can't wait. I do now.

Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty. So anyone sweaty in your house has to be offered a drink? Yes.

It is so succulent, so succulent.

My mother was taken from my house...by the communists in the middle of the night...when I was 10 years old. She was sent to a slave-labor camp...where she labored for 12 years. Finally, they released her...and she was on a boat to America to reunite with us. But she was served some bad fish, and she died on the high seas.

So, what's good tonight?

The owner contributes money...to those fanatical anti-abortion groups. So you won't eat the pizza? No way.

Well, perhaps we should inquire.

It is more succulent than even I had hoped.

Poppie, I was just curious. Where do you stand on abortion?

Well, Poppie, I think differently. And what gives you the right to do that? The Supreme Court gives me the right to do that!

Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up.

And I have to say...it was pretty much all my fault.

I say how's the book coming? Oh, pretty good. So, what's it about? Well, it's about Holly Golightly. Holly Golightly. Yeah, she's quite a character. Haven't read a page, have you? No.

You're not very bright, are you? No, I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not.

Why don't you rent the movie? Why don't I rent the movie? You see? This is when I like you.

Do you know I've been using the same bottle of shampoo for a year? And I shampoo every day. So, what do you think of my conversation? Not much.

You don't have any furniture? No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it. Oh, I can understand that.

A pretty good date, huh? Yeah, no heavy lifting.

A bottle of wine and a five-alarm chili? They're trying to kill Poppie? Why? Don't they know I have...a gastrointestinal disorder? If I would have any of this, I would die. Then Poppie's no good to anyone. This is a sick, sick joke on Poppie.

I'm in love! This is it, Jerry! This is it!

No games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?

Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice. How do you know? Because he...Well...He's just so good-looking.

Maybe we could call them and ask them to return it. Sorry, we can't do that. Well, maybe they're done with it. I could go pick it up. I don't think so. It doesn't work that way.

Excuse me, are you Joe Temple? Yes. Yes, you don't know me. My name is George Costanza. Did you happen to rent Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Kramer, what is this? What is what? This puddle on my sofa! What puddle? That puddle! I don't know. Is it...? Could it...? Could he have...? It is! Poppie peed on my sofa!

My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa! I'm sure it'll come out. I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore.

Just a natural human function. Happens to be on my sofa...instead of in the toilet, where it would normally be.

Well, as I say, the pinkeye made my vision quite blurry.

She got impregnated by her troglodytic half-brother...and decided to have an abortion.

You know, someday...we're gonna get enough people on the Supreme Court to change that law.

You know what I love? How there's two nuts named after people: Hazel and Filbert.

You can't put cucumbers on a pizza. Why not? I like cucumbers. That's not a pizza. It will taste terrible. But that's the idea. Make your own pie. Yes, but we cannot give the people the right...to choose any topping they want. Now, on this issue, there can be no debate. What gives you the right to tell me how I make my pie? Because it's a pizza. It's not a pizza till it comes out of the oven. It's a pizza the moment you put your fists in the dough. No, it isn't! Yes, it is!

I'll pause it, okay?

So who is this guy? He's in some book club. And what's he doing here? Cheating on his test.

You didn't save it. I had the arm.

Look! Look what you did! You got grape juice all over our couch. You ruined our couch!

Did you tell him it was peed on? He said he doesn't care. He'll just turn the cushion over.

All I've got is grape juice. Throw it.

The couch!

Well, not really. After all, she did get together with George Peppard. I mean, Fred. George, Fred's gay.