The Dinner Party

We never should have landed a man on the moon. It's a mistake. Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment. Everybody goes, 'I can't believe they can land a man on the moon... ...and taste my coffee.'

We'd go, 'They can't make a prescription bottle that'll open easily? I'm not surprised they couldn't land on the moon. Things make perfect sense.'

Neil Armstrong should've said, 'That's one small step for man... ...one giant leap for every whining, complaining SOB on the Earth.'

Hey, do you believe I got 'Happy New Year'd' today? It's February. I once got 'Happy New Year'd' in March.

Hey, is it cold out? Really cold. Scary cold? What's your definition of scary cold?

Visual: Jerry and George's shocked reaction to Kramer's enormous puffy coat

It's Gore-Tex. You know about Gore-Tex? You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?

Look at you. You can't even turn around in that thing. Look at this. Hey, George, can you feel this?

You mean just going there because I'm invited... that's rude? You're telling me, instead of them being happy to see me... they'll be upset because I didn't bring anything.

The fabric of society is very complex, George.

I don't even drink wine. I drink Pepsi. You can't bring Pepsi. Why not? Because we're adults.

What, you're telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? No way wine is better than Pepsi.

I don't think we wanna walk in there... and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table.

You're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.

Who's driving? You are. I can't get that thing in my car.

You're comfortable up there, bubble boy. Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.

I was just thinking, the four of us can't show up... with just one bottle of wine. Oh, here we go. What? Why don't we get them a couch.

We'll rent a U-Haul. We'll bring them a nice sectional.

Why don't you just get some Ring Dings from the liquor store.

Ring Dings are better than anything at a bakery. I like Ring Dings.

George, you can't show up at someone's house... with Ring Dings and Pepsi.

It's a funeral procession.

I got news for you. I show up with Ring Dings and Pepsi... I'm the hit of the party. People would be coming up, 'Between you and me... I'm really excited about the Ring Dings and the Pepsi.'

What are we, Europeans, with the Beaujolais and the chardonnay?

I love the smell of bakeries.

Look, Elaine, the black-and-white cookie. I love the black-and-white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony.

It's a wonderful thing, isn't it?

You know, I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.

I'm looking forward to it. Yeah. It'll be a very smooth transition.

But listen. Elaine, when we get up to the door... you hold the cake box. Why? I don't know. Just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string...

You think it's effeminate? It's a tad dainty.

See, that's not fair. We were here ahead of all these people. You think I should go and ask her for hers?

Just because they have a ticket doesn't mean they were here first. We were ahead of them and them and her.

What if somebody wants to get out of here? People get spaces this good, they never give them up. That's a fallacy.

Why don't you go into the store, and I'll wait in the car? Because I've got the coat. I can sit in the car and not get cold.

Does the heater work in this car? No.

But we were here ahead of you. How do I know that? Well, we saw you come in. Well, that's easy for you to say. Oh, yeah, right. That's something I do. I make up stories to get ahead in lines at bakeries.

Visual: Awkward recognition scene between Elaine and Barbara Benedict

Well, this is a little awkward, isn't it? Yes, it is.

As soon as I get there... I'm gonna tell everyone what a jerk you are. I'll be there ahead of you and I'll be telling them what a jerk you are.

You're lucky, Mrs. Benedict. It's our last one.

What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet? What's that? It's a Bordeaux. Robust, bold, very dry... as opposed to a Beaujolais, which is richer and fruitier.

We should've gone to the bakery. They're not getting no 12-dollar cake.

Why not? I don't like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says that it's bad for my spine. Throws my hips off-kilter.

Throws your hips off-kilter.

So, what do you do? Oh, I get by.

That's the last babka. They got the last babka. I know. They're going in first with the last babka. That was our babka. You can't beat babka.

Well, how about a carrot cake? Carrot cake? Why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake, I'm sorry.

Black Forest? Black Forest? Too scary. You're in the forest.

Hey, how about a napoleon? Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless warmonger. Might as well get a Mengele.

Another babka?

Well, we gotta get the cinnamon. Yeah, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with lesser babka.

I beg your pardon. Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka.

People love it. It should be on tables in restaurants with salt and pepper. Someone says, 'This is so good. What's in this?' The answer comes back, 'Cinnamon, cinnamon,' again and again.

Lesser babka? I think not.

I'll have a cinnamon babka. And a black-and-white cookie for me. Peace.

Hey, anybody got change for a hundred? Are you crazy? What are you doing? You're gonna get us killed.

Don't go shouting we got a $100 bill. People will be all over us.

What, it's a hundred? I can't change a hundred. Why not? You gotta buy more than that.

George, get a Penthouse Forum. I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum. No, that'll make great dinner-party conversation. We'll read the letters at the dinner table.

You ever read one of these? It's not real. They're all made up. Oh, it's real. You know, then there's an unusual number of people having sex... with amputees.

Big coat. Big coat! Yes. I'm sorry. It's a new coat. It's Gore-Tex.

We better be careful with that thing. You'll start a war.

See, the key to eating a black-and-white cookie... is you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate.

And yet still somehow, racial harmony eludes us.

If people would only look to the cookie... all our problems would be solved.

Well, your views on race relations are just fascinating. You really should do an op-ed piece for The Times.

Look to the cookie, Elaine. Look to the cookie.

You sold us a cake with a hair on it. You have to take a number. We waited 15 minutes for this.

A little hair? Do you think that makes it better? What if it's your hair? What if it's your hair?

What is wrong with my hair? Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head.

You use that misty herbal rainwater crap they sell in the health food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. Hundred proof, takes your roots out.

Imagine if we didn't bring the wine. We'd be shunned by society. Outcasts. 'Where's your wine? Get out!'

Somebody double-parked and blocked us in. Does anybody know whose car that is? Maybe there's a note on it. Oh, brother. No. No note.

I really cannot comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes. Can you comprehend it? No, I can't comprehend it.

We can put a man on the moon, but we're still basically very stupid. The guy whose car this is could be the guy that built the rocket.

On one hand, he's smart with rockets. On the other, he's dumb with parking.

Maybe it's not stupidity. Maybe it's just a blatant disregard... for basic human decency. This is how dictators start.

Think Mussolini would circle the block six times for a spot? How about Idi Amin, huh?

If I was running for office, I'd ask for the death penalty for double-parkers. If this is allowed to go on, this is not a society. This is anarchy!

Are those shoes comfortable? No, not really. They look comfortable. That's why I got them, but they're not.

Because I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger. What happened? I'd rather not talk about it.

I once found a hair in my farina, and I freaked out. You found a hair in your farina? Yeah. What happened?

I screamed: 'There's a hair in my farina. There's a hair in my farina.' I ran out of the house. I was running and running.

I was little, but I could run really fast. And I... I just kept running and... they found me three hours later collapsed at a construction site.

Whose hair was it? My mother's.

You sold us a hair with a cake around it.

You wanna trade your hair for some phlegm. You win the pennant with that trade. Hair for phlegm.

Did you ever see her lose her temper? I was once late because I bought a Panama hat. She pulled it down so hard my head came right through the top.

Back off, puffball, it's not my car!

Wait till I get my hands on that George. I am gonna pull that big hood over his little head... tie the strings... and suffocate him.

I think I got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.

If we can't look to the cookie, where can we look?

I haven't thrown up since June 29, 1980.

Fourteen years down the drain.

You think chickens have individual personalities? I don't know. Could you tell five chickens apart... just by the way they acted?

Visual: Kramer does chicken impression/walk

If they have individual personalities, I'm not sure we should be eating them.

But my friend here has hypothermia. Hypothermia.

Oh, my God. That's Saddam Hussein, the dictator. I told you. I told you.

I wouldn't walk around without a coat. You'll catch your death of cold. So long.

How about a nice box of scram?

Might've been Saddam Hussein. We're not sure. He had a British accent, though.

I heard a weatherman say... that 75 percent of your body heat... is actually lost through the top of the head.

Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat.

This hat says to the world: 'I would rather have the heat in my skull... than anything society could possibly offer me.'

In fact, if you're on trial for a serious crime... and your lawyer recommends the insanity defense... this is the hat to wear. Your Honor, the defense rests.