The Stand In

The bus is the single stupidest, fattest... slowest, most despised vehicle on the road, isn't it?

Ever notice when you get behind a bus, people go: 'What are you doing? Get away. Come on.'

The back of the bus, it's like an eclipse, isn't it? People are just like, 'The sun. Where is the sun?'

It's like this huge metal ass... just taking up the whole windshield of your car.

When it pulls out, it even sounds like a fat uncle trying to get out of a sofa.

It's just not good. It's not good. - It's not good.

I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring. We're both boring.

We go out to eat, read newspapers. - At breakfast, everybody reads. - No, lunch, we read. - Dinner, we read.

At least we're talking about how there's nothing. Talk with her about how there's nothing. She knows there's nothing. - At least she'll be talking.

Deeply in love. We have so many things to talk about. Sometimes, we'll talk all night... till the sun comes up.

We have no need to speak. We communicate with deep, soulful looks. Like Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.

Said he could use a good laugh. - What about me? He didn't mention you.

You can't say something bad about relationships... you shouldn't say anything at all.

'Could use a good laugh.' You know what pressure that is?

I can't hide my pity. I make them feel worse.

Also, I'm afraid... that people in that state are finally gonna tell me what they really think. They got nothing to lose. What do they care?

Mickey's a stand-in for an 8-year-old kid... and I stand in for the kid's father.

The kid I stand in for, he's growing. He was 4 feet last month. Now he's like 4'2" and a half. He shot up 2 and a half inches.

I can do 4'2", 4'3" is a stretch. Any higher, I'm gonna be out on my ass... doing that paralegal crap.

How do you stop a kid from growing? I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.

I offered him cigarettes... but his stupid mother's always hanging around. She won't let him have any.

Can't you just switch with another midget? It's 'little people.' - You got that? - Easy, Mickey. Easy.

You gotta get some lifts for your shoes. Lifts? Kramer, you don't understand. This kind of thing is just not done.

I could use a good laugh. - Who couldn't? - I haven't cracked a smile in months. - Oh, don't worry. You'll crack.

Cracking's inevitable. First you crack, then you chuckle. That was the Russians' motto at the Siege of Leningrad.

You know, because Leningrad... when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time. Because of the war. Famine. Plus, it was cold. Very cold. They were eating each other.

So how are the eggs? Eggs are eggs.

That is very profound. By the same token, could you say, 'Fish is fish'? I don't think so.

Al Nechy called me today. He told me not to get involved with you. He said you could never make a commitment... and you'd just wind up hurting me.

I mean, sure, there may have been one or two occasions in the past... when I may have reacted... in an impulsive or somewhat immature manner... but those days are well behind me.

How long are you gonna be away for, Daddy? I'm not really going away. I told you, I'll be back every other weekend. Don't go, Daddy. Don't go.

How do those lifts feel? Quiet.

You look different. - Have you been working out? - Not that I know of. Whatever it is, keep doing it. You look great.

There's something different about you. - I got my hair cut, that's all. - No, that's not it. Something else. You don't. You got the same ugly mug you had since the day I met you.

So he picks up the two pieces of pizza and... And they're steaming hot. They're burning his hands, so he's juggling. He's throwing them in the air. And just as he gets up to her, down they go.

Octane, butane, night train!

If I was a woman, I'd be at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.

He's afraid that she's gonna get hurt. - Is she? - Of course.

So now you're gonna keep going out with her for spite? - Yes. I am. - Yeah, I could see that. - I don't see any way around it. - Me either. - What choice do I have? - None.

Fulton's wife told me it's all my fault. She said since my visit, he's taken a turn for the worse.

When my friend Len Nickidimo had gout... I was in his hospital room for three days. The doctors were amazed at his recovery.

Johnny Viggiano went through my locker. That little bastard. He saw the lifts in my shoes. He knows I'm heightening.

This never would've happened if you didn't push me to get those. - I told you. - Nobody put a gun to your head. Yeah. Just keep out of my business, you big ape. Who you calling 'big ape'? I'm calling you an ape.

He's always been jealous of me. I always got to stand in for the bigger stars. The Cosby kids, Ricky Schroder, Macaulay Culkin.

There's an unwritten code about this. I could be ostracized. I remember when I was a kid, some guy tried to heighten. He lost his job, lost his friends, everything.

He bought a new blanket. And he got that game with the foam paddles and the Velcro ball.

I don't know what he's gonna do with all that potato salad.

You really are beautiful, Elaine. Well... - Good night. - Good night?

He took it out. He what? He took... it out.

You were involved in some sort of amorous... No. - You mean, he just...? - Yes. - Are you sure? - Oh, quite.

So you were talking, you're having a pleasant conversation... and then all of a sudden... - Yeah. - It. - It. - Out. - Out.

He took it out. Well, maybe it needed some air. You know, sometimes they need air. They can't breathe in there. It's inhuman.

I spend time trying to get their clothes off... I never thought of taking mine off.

How long are you gonna keep this up? Hey, I'll get married if I have to.

I don't know what I did wrong. Well, you showed her who you are.

What, she's gotta breast-feed in public? Yeah, that's the last thing you wanna see. Well, next to last.

Rock, paper, scissors. Match. - Rock, paper, scissors. Match. All right. Rock beats paper. I thought paper covered rock. No. Rock flies right through paper.

Well, what beats rock? Nothing beats rock.

Everybody knows that you're heightening. It's all over the set. All the progress we've made over the years... and you blow it with a stupid stunt like that.

I'm Mickey Abbot. I stood in for Punky Brewster when all of you was nothing.

Fulton?

Jerry Persach. Pachyderm? He was carrying these two pieces of pizza...