The Chaperone

I've always wondered why baseball is so associated with sex. 'He's playing the field. He scored. He didn't get to first base.' 'I struck out.' 'Why?' 'She wanted a diamond.' It's always baseball, always baseball.

As far as baseball goes, I prefer the fat umpires. If you're on the field and not in the game... you should be in the worst physical condition a human could be in.

They should be allowed to eat during the game.

People come home from these games: 'We won, we won!' No, they won, you watched.

No, not really. I'm just saying this to you because I like to hear myself talk.

You know they used to make leisure suits out of this fabric?

Now, there's a career path you may have overlooked.

I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.

I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed.

I'm not sure if she's allowed to talk.

You can't have a little grace. You either have grace or you don't.

I don't have grace, I don't want grace... I don't even say grace, okay?

I have no chance, do I? - No.

Mrs. Onassis'. That's hard to pronounce.

They'll slap that Miss Congeniality on you... you'll congenial yourself right out of the contest.

They're never in contention. - How do you know? - Because I've seen every Miss America pageant since I was 6.

Well, you don't want too much grace, or you won't be able to stand.

Imagine playing games... and your team is 5 degrees cooler than the other team. Don't you think that would be an advantage?

Maybe you could pick me up some underwear.

These girls are Miss America contestants. It's every little girl's dream. I'm not gonna let you trample that dream... and make a mockery of everything the pageant stands for.

Tape her breasts together.

Now, you're very attractive, but you got a big waist.

I'm thinking of a number from one to 10. - Six. - No, five. - But you were close.

Well, you got brown eyes. You wanna wear a green dress.

Oh, shut the up.

Oh, you're pooh-poohing? - Yes, I pooh-pooh.

I'm taking this kid to the top. To the top, Jerry. We're going for the crown, and you can't stop her. - I don't wanna stop her. - You can't stop her, Jerry!

Paul O'Neill, 'I never dreamed anything could be so soft and fluffy.'

There's no elastic. You need to pull too much.

I'm sorry. I must have them today.

If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye. Now, if I told you once, I've told you a thousand times, poise counts! It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit, eveningwear, talent, poise!

For a while, yes, but not in the long run.

I want a decent sock that's comfortable... that will stay on my foot!

Well, good night, Ollie. - Good night, Stan.

These doves were murdered.

You know what I think, Jerry? I think somebody murdered those doves. Somebody who was just eaten up with jealousy. Somebody who couldn't stand to have the spotlight taken off of them.

Don't think that you've won, because you haven't. This kid is a fighter. And if you think I'm gonna let a couple of dead birds get in our way... you're crazy!

It's like watching an animal get tortured.

They're running like penguins.

Oh, my God, Mattingly just split his pants. - That's a shame.

The Miss America pageant seems like a really tough contest. You come out there in the bathing suit and the dress shoes. They got that sanitized-for-your-protection toilet-seat thing hanging off them, you know?

The bathing suit is the contest. You win the bathing suit, you win. Everybody looks good in formalwear. It's dark, it covers everything. That's why we have weddings in it.

If we had weddings in bathing suits... a lot of ceremonies wouldn't get past: 'If anyone sees any reason... why these two people should not be joined together...' About 80 hands go up.