The Highlights Of 100 (2)

Jerry:You ever notice how on wanted posters, they always have a side shot of the guy? How do they get that? Do they sit down with the criminal and say, 'Okay, now turn to your left. We need a profile for the poster.' I mean, the guy's fleeing from the law. He's not exactly going to cooperate with the photography session.

Elaine:You stink. You know you stink.

Elaine:So do you have any ballet experience?

Jerry:Ballet? No, no. I tried it once. I went to see Swan Lake. I got halfway through and I realized — it's just a guy chasing a girl in his underwear.

Jerry:What's the problem? You like ballet.

Elaine:I like ballet, but I don't want to BE a ballet person.

Jerry:So don't be a ballet person. Just go to the ballet.

Elaine:It's not that simple. Once you go to the ballet, you're a ballet person.

Jerry:That's not true. I went to the ballet once.

Elaine:Exactly.

Kramer:Is that a toupee?

Elaine:Oh, it looks great! Really natural. George is a real looker, that one.

George:Hello!

Kramer:That toupee looks ridiculous.

George:You're just jealous because you don't have the guts to wear one.

Kramer:George, I'm telling you, that thing is surgically attached to your brain.

George:I no longer defer to the coiffed. I'm a player.

Jerry:Will you be here later?

Homeless Man:Where am I going?

George:This is incredible. This is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Lou:Well, we'll circulate it, see if we can find her.

George:You know, Officer Byrnes, I have to say, you're very attractive.

Officer Byrnes:Thank you.

George:Would you like to go out sometime?

Homeless Man:You got any more of that food?

Jerry:No, that's it.

Homeless Man:Well, I'm gonna need that container back.

Jerry:What?

Homeless Man:The Tupperware. It's returnable.

Boss's Wife:He's always got a different woman on his arm. He never commits to anyone. He's a real ladies' man.

George:Actually, he's gay.

Boss's Wife:He has this sensitive side. He likes to cook, he does needlepoint, he's very interested in fashion and interior design.

Jerry:So you're telling me you've become an expert at lying about having a boyfriend?

Jerry:That's quite a marketable skill.

Jerry:Wait, wait, wait. You think you can turn him?

Elaine:Well, I don't know. Maybe.

Jerry:Elaine, he's gay!

Elaine:So?

Jerry:So? What do you think is going to happen? He's going to see you naked and go, 'Oh, I've been making a huge mistake'?

Elaine:You know, I've been thinking about converting him.

Jerry:Converting him? He's not a religion.

Elaine:Well, people change. I mean, look at me. I used to hate sports.

Jerry:Yeah, but you didn't change teams. You just learned to appreciate the game.

Elaine:Exactly! So why can't he?

Jerry:Because some guys are just... they're committed to their team, Elaine. They're not gonna switch sides just because you think it's a good idea.

Jerry:You know, being gay is like being on a sports team. You've got your uniform, you've got your playbook, you've got your teammates...

Jerry:And sometimes you're looking at the other team's equipment and thinking, 'Yeah, I could work with that.'

Jerry:So you're converting to Judaism just to date this guy?

Elaine:I'm not converting. I'm just learning about it.

Jerry:That's converting.

Elaine:Well, I like him!

Jerry:You like him? You'd convert religions for him?

Elaine:I'm desperate, Jerry. I'm 30 years old. My biological clock is ticking.

Jerry:Why don't you just use a plastic bag?

Kramer:A plastic bag? Jerry, these Tupperware containers have a special seal. When you press down on the lid, it creates an airtight compartment. It's genius!

George:It's not a toupee!

Jerry:George, it's a little hair hat.

George:Nobody can tell. It's completely undetectable.

Jerry:Are you kidding? It looks like a dead animal on your head. It's like you're wearing a small, deceased mammal. I'm waiting for it to start decomposing.

Police Officer:We need someone for a lineup. You'll stand over there with those other guys.

Jerry:Sure, I can help out.

Police Officer:Great. Now, don't move or say anything.

Jerry:Wait, what am I doing exactly?

Police Officer:You're in the lineup.

Jerry:The lineup? I thought you meant like a lineup of... I don't know, comedians or something!

Jerry:I don't watch Melrose Place.

Lou:You're lying.

Jerry:I'm not lying.

Lou:We should hook you up to a lie detector.

Jerry:A lie detector? Over Melrose Place?

Lou:You're very suspicious.

Jerry:I'm not admitting to anything. Melrose Place is not trash.

Lou:The machine says otherwise.

Jerry:Well, the machine is wrong. It's a quality drama with compelling characters and sophisticated storylines.

Lou:You're still hooked up to it.

Jerry:George, I need your help. How do you pass a lie detector test?

George:It's simple. You just believe what you're saying.

Jerry:Well, if anyone knows how to do that, it's you.

George:I'm bald. Not just balding. Bald. B-A-L-D. Bald!

Jerry:George, she could tell.

George:I know! But I wanted to hear myself say it out loud.

George:It's not a haircut, Jerry. It's a Moe.

Jerry:You're bald.

George:I'm not bald.

Jerry:You're bald.

George:I'm not bald. I'm balding.

Elaine:You're telling me you're upset about the toupee? You've been lying about it for months!

George:I wasn't lying, I was just not volunteering information!

Elaine:That's the same thing!

George:No it's not! There's a difference between lying and omission!

Elaine:You know what? I'm done with this.

George:Wait, where are you going?

Elaine:Away from you and that fake hair!

Elaine:You know, I've always found you very attractive.

Robert:What? I'm sorry, what did you just say?

Elaine:I said you're attractive. I like you.

Robert:You... you like me? But I'm... I'm gay.

Elaine:I know.

Robert:You know? You know I'm gay and you're... what are you doing?

Elaine:You know, I've been thinking about converting. Maybe Judaism isn't so bad.

Robert:Converting? That's like switching teams in the middle of the season!

Elaine:Well, maybe I want to be on a winning team for once.

George:It's like I'm free! I'm finally free! No more hiding, no more pretending. I can just be myself.

George:My neuroses, my anxieties, my complete inability to function like a normal human being — they're all out there now. And you know what? It feels great!

Jerry:So George is born-again... bald.

George:Jerry, I'm like Pavarotti.

George:When I lie, it's an art form. It's beautiful. People don't even know I'm doing it.

George:Jerry, let me tell you something about lying. It's not about whether what you're saying is true or false. It's about what you can make people believe.

George:You tell the same lie enough times, with enough confidence, it becomes the truth in their minds. That's not lying, that's persuasion.

George:I've been doing this my whole life. Works every time.

Elaine:'Cause I'm a woman

Jerry:What?

Elaine:That's it. I'm a woman. I just walked in there, I didn't say anything, and they converted me. It was so easy.

Jerry:So what are you saying, that it's easier for a woman to convert?

Elaine:I'm saying it's easier for a woman to convert to Judaism than it is for a man.

Jerry:So you converted him to your way of thinking?

Elaine:Completely. He's a totally different person now.

Jerry:That's amazing. You know, that's the kind of thing they write books about. Self-help books.

Elaine:I know, right?

Jerry:You could be a guru. 'The Elaine Method.' People would pay thousands of dollars to go to your seminars.

Elaine:Well, I don't know about that...

Jerry:No, I'm serious. You've got a gift. You should embrace it.

Elaine:He's gay! He became gay! I converted him. He was heterosexual, and I got him to switch.

Elaine:I mean, he's got a great apartment in the city, he wears all the right clothes, he's very handy... I mean, the man can throw a dinner party that will make your head spin!

Jerry:I don't watch Melrose Place. I mean, why would I watch that show?

Jerry:It's ridiculous! Amanda's manipulative, Michael's weak, and don't even get me started on what's going on with Kimberly! She's completely unraveling! And the whole thing with the gun in her apartment? I mean, come on!

Elaine:It's like... it's like going back to a VCR after you've had a DVD player. You just can't do it.

Jerry:Well, you know, it's like any team sport. You win some, you lose some. In this case, you lost a guy to the other team. It happens.

George:She didn't even look at me. She looked right past me. Like I was transparent. Invisible.

George:Then she got up and left. Without saying anything. Not a word. Just... gone.

George:And you know what the worst part was? She took the breadsticks. The breadsticks that were supposed to be for both of us. She just grabbed them and walked out.

George:I'm sitting there alone with the check, the busboy is staring at me, and I realize I don't even have cab fare because I spent it all on wine she didn't drink.

Kramer:You know, if Elaine hadn't of come along, George would've had a shot with that bald woman.

George:What? Elaine had nothing to do with it!

Kramer:Oh no? She was there, wasn't she? Her presence alone is enough to jinx any romantic encounter.

Elaine:That's ridiculous!

Kramer:Is it? I'm just saying, things happen around you, Elaine.

Jerry:Oh no, not Melrose Place again. I can't watch this show. Every time it comes on, I feel like I'm being tortured. These people have more problems than actual human beings should be allowed to have.

Witness:Yeah, that's him. That's the guy.

Police Officer:You're sure?

Witness:I'd recognize that hair anywhere.