The Beard

The whole concept of the wanted poster... has gotta be the most wildly optimistic crime-fighting idea.

I mean, so how does it work? Okay. I'm on line at the post office. I see the guy. I see the list of offenses. I check the guy standing in line behind me. If it's not him, that's pretty much all I can do.

Annoying thing is, why didn't they hold on to this guy... when they're taking his picture? 'No, we don't do it that way. We take their picture and we let them go. That's how we get the front and side shot. The front is his face. The side is him leaving.'

Look at you. Why don't you use a fork. You're no good with the sticks.

I know. I need a lesson. You stink. You know you stink. What is this?

Have you ever been to the ballet? No, but I've seen people on tiptoes.

You know, I'm going as a beard. - A beard?

This friend of a friend knows this banker guy. He's 30-ish, unbelievably gorgeous. - Of course he's gay.

Yeah? - Get it on with your bad self.

Doesn't he know how ridiculous... he looks in that thing? - I think he looks fantastic. Oh, come on. I never realized what an attractive man he is. Oh, he's a real looker, that one.

Not bad, huh?

You look ridiculous in that thing.

Or could it be that you're just a little bit worried... that you may have missed the boat?

Well, I think they might have sutured that thing to your brain.

Oh, all right. Go ahead. Deride. Deride if you must.

With my personality and this head of hair, you know what I am now? I am in the game. I no longer defer to the coifed. I'm a player.

No, I think he's got you beat, buddy.

I got a friend, works at the police station. - He's a composite artist. - Really? - I can get him to draw a picture of her.

You done with all this? I'm gonna give it to a homeless person.

What's that nut? - Almonds? Almonds. Yeah. That's good.

And make the lips fuller, poutier. Pouty? I like that. - You can't go wrong with pouty. - I'm excited about the pouty.

Oh, my God. You were right. She is gorgeous.

Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there? Her? Oh, that's Sergeant Tierney. - Nice officer. - You wanna meet her?

I like the idea of having the law on my side.

Where did the Chinese learn to cook like that?

I don't think so. That's mine. - You gave it to me. - I didn't say you could keep it. See, I don't give away Tupperware. - You should've said something. - I didn't think I had to. Look, with a piece of Tupperware, you just assume.

Oh, yeah!

You and Robert? - Yep. - Really? - Yes, indeedy.

Well, believe me. This didn't happen overnight. Robert is not exactly a one-woman man, if you know what I mean. No, sirree, Bob.

Sure, I mean, in a lot of ways he's a typical guy. He likes his sports. But he counters that side with the side you see here tonight at the ballet... or the pleasure he gets watching Liza Minnelli... belt out a few choice numbers.

And we discover yet another talent: posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.

Don't tell me.... You like him? He's incredible.

Not conversion? You're thinking conversion?

You think you can get him to change teams? He's not gonna suddenly switch sides. Forget about it. Why? Is it irrevocable?

Because when you join that team, it's not a whim. He likes his team. He's set with that team.

But we've got a good team. - Yeah, we do. We do have a good team. Well, why can't he play for us?

They're only comfortable with their equipment.

Of course. Everyone gets along great when there's no possibility of sex.

You realize you're venturing into uncharted waters? I realize that. Are you that desperate? Yes, I am.

You know, you lose your temper. Who knows what you're capable of. All right. Then it's settled. First date, no weapons.

The patented burp, Jerry. It locks in freshness.

Who's to say it didn't?

What hat? You know, your little hair hat there.

Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's nest two blocks away.

I noticed people staring at my head because they like what they see.

If he was gonna go bald... I never would have introduced them.

Hey, that's my coffee.

Well, why don't you take off your hat, stay a while.

Let me ask you. Now, when someone is lying... is it true that their pants are actually on fire?

A certain cast member of Melrose Place. Get out. Really? - Have you ever seen the show? - No.

Hey, Lou. Maybe we should put him on the poly. - The poly? - Yeah. I think you've seen it.

Why? Why were you so embarrassed? I'm gonna be taking this lie detector test. That needle's gonna be going wild.

Look what I'm confessing to.

Who do you think you are, Costanza?

Hey, you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous... deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me?

She's bald. What do you mean, 'bald'? What do you think I mean? Bald. Bald. Bald, bald.

'Hello.' It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.

No one walks into a beauty parlor and says, 'Give me the Larry Fine.'

You're rejecting somebody because they're bald. So? You're bald! No, I'm not. I was bald.

No, no, no! Elaine! I don't like this thing! And here's what I'm doing with it!

Elaine... I was hoping, you know... you might be interested in changing teams.

But I'm a starting shortstop. Robert, we need a shortstop. Real bad.

It's good to have you back. You know what else I've decided to do? I'm gonna keep seeing the bald woman.

You've had, like, a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.

It's like saying to Pavarotti, 'Teach me to sing like you.'

It's not a lie if you believe it.

Hey. I did it. - What? - I turned him. He defected.

Do you know what you've done? You've given hope to every woman who's ever said, 'Too bad he's gay.'

Well, it's a lesson for the kids out there. Anything is possible.

Nothing but sex and shopping.

Yes! Yes. That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly. He slept with her sister, tricked her into giving him half her business. Then she goes and sleeps with him again? She's crazy. How could she do something like that? That Jane! Oh, she just makes me so mad!

Being a woman... I only really have access to the... equipment... what, 30, 45 minutes a week? And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise... as people who own this equipment... and have access to it 24 hours a day, their entire lives?

That's why they lose very few players.

I got rejected by a bald woman. - What? - A bald woman rejected me. You like that one? A woman with no prospects and no hair told me that I wasn't her type.

Apparently baldy likes a slimmer guy.

You blew it, boy. You really blew it!

Oh, that Michael. I hate him. He's just so smug.

That's the guy, officer. The guy there in the middle. The tall guy with the high hair. I'd recognize him anywhere.

Hey, you. You with the high hair. Step forward. Me?