The Kiss Hello

I was thinking about hair... and that the weird thing about it... is that people will touch other people's hair. You will actually kiss another human being right on the head... but if one of those hairs... should somehow be able to get out of that skull and go off on its own...

...it is now the vilest, most disgusting thing that you can encounter.

The same hair. People freak out, 'There was a hair in the egg salad.'

Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They go out dancing.

Think they do the flamenco? I would think. So you could call a woman for a date... ask her if she's free for dinner and a flamenco.

You don't flamenco on the first date.

Well, I knew you had an affinity for it... because it's the dance of a very proud people.

I have to open a bottle of ketchup for her.

There's gotta be an easier way to open ketchup. They should make it in a tube.

Mustard lends itself to the squeeze. ... There's a difference. It's subtle.

Yeah. Every time I see her... I gotta kiss hello. I did it once on her birthday. Somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread seeing her because of it.

I'm down to one kiss hello. My aunt Celia.

That's fortunate. I really admire that. ... Really? I never heard you say you admired me for anything.

No, I told you I admire your hearing. Oh, don't slough that off. You have great hearing.

You know, I got this little swelling right here. It's kind of painful. What do you make of that?

Oh, that-- That really seems like a lot of trouble.

I love these people. You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius... unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge sums of money are involved, the genius can be disturbed.

That was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.

Well, you know, frankly... outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it.

I'm not thrilled with the handshaking either, but one step at a time.

I mean, she looks like something out of an old high school yearbook.

If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it. What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come out with it.

Everyone will know everybody's name. People are gonna be a lot friendlier. ... Imagine walking by someone on the floor and you say, 'Hey, Carl'... and he says, 'Hey, Jerry.' That's the kind of society I wanna live in.

Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and be on my way.

You know, your eyeliner's smudged a little. Why do you wear so much eye makeup?

Yeah. This is gonna work out just fine.

Well, here's the bottle. -I'll do it. -I got it. -Give it to me. -Stop it. -Jerry, would you give me the bottle? -Uncle Leo.

You should let Buddy open it. Buddy? He lived next door to us 45 years ago.

Ma, Dad died in 1962.

Believe me, I don't owe your mother $50.

Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I got a big slice of dough for you, buddy... and you too. I haven't forgotten you.

You don't rob somebody if you know their name. You're robbing me.

Can you come back in about five minutes? Why? No reason. Just wanna see you again.

Do you know what the interest on that $50 comes to over 53 years? $663.45... and that's figuring conservatively at 5 percent interest... over 53 years compounded quarterly.

Well, he's not getting away with this.

I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello... then I think I could see the value in it a little better. How about an intercourse hello? How would that be?

Elaine, now you're being ridiculous.

You know, I really like that hairdo.

You'd be a damn fool to change it. Nobody wears it like that. It's very becoming.

Elaine? ... No, I'm just thinking about the question.

Oh, you have a policy. The delicate genius has a policy.

Well, it's less than 24 hours, so I guess I have to.

Hello, Jerry. Oh, hello... Mary.

See, what was I telling you? Isn't this nice?

You see, that's just what I need, more kissing.

Uncle Leo put Nana in a home. Why? I don't know. Maybe to keep her quiet.

I'm like Richard Dawson down there now.

Every person I see engages me in this long, boring, tedious conversation. I can't even get out of the building.

My father's demanding my uncle pay interest... on $50 he was supposed to give my mother in 1941... and my uncle put my Nana in a home to try and shut her up.

Oh, I'm sorry. I require 24 hours' notice for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me $75.

If I take you right to your door... I have to go all the way around Central Park West, back to Columbus. You know, it's all one-way. Yeah, but it's only three blocks. Right. It's only three blocks.

It's as if I was hitchhiking and she said, 'This is as far as I can take you.'

If you were, you'd never get in a car with someone with a hairdo like that.

Listen, I've decided I can't kiss hello anymore. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal. It makes me uncomfortable. I'm sorry.

It's a big building, Seinfeld. Maybe I'll get to it someday... after I take care of the people that are civil to each other.

Wednesday? That's your personal business? Skiing? Sure. Let people suffer while you're shooshing all over a mountain.

And you know, you might wanna do something about that hair.

Oh, what an obnoxious little kid. He used to steal my soda bottles and cash them in for the deposit.

You're busted.

Look, why don't you do everybody a favor and just get out of this building. Nobody wants you here. Nobody!

Well, I'd invite you in... but, you know.