The Big Salad

I find it fascinating, when you go in the stationery store... that they're manufacturing millions of pens constantly. We're all buying them. I must have bought 6000 Bics in my life. I've used up maybe two of them.

Where's the rest of them? Move a refrigerator, there's a couple there. But that doesn't account for it. Where are all the pens?

That's why it's embarrassing if you don't have one. 'You got a pen? Can I borrow a pen?' We always have to whisper... because it's so humiliating. 'I don't have a pen.'

And your last name? - It's just Elaine. Like Cher.

I think he got ideas. - I wonder if any woman ever said that about Einstein.

Oh, hi. Elaine's my middle name. - Mine's Ike.

Just had a big bowl of Kix. - Oh, well, that's very mature.

What's in the big salad? - Big lettuce, big carrots. Tomatoes like volleyballs.

People on dates shouldn't be allowed out in public. It's embarrassing for them. It's painful for us to watch.

I'm going out with someone later, I'm not even taking her out. - Good for you. - I don't need people staring at us.

The rules clearly state you cannot clean the ball unless it's on the green. - The rules are clear about that. - Certainly are.

Hey, a rule is a rule. And let's face it, without rules, there's chaos.

The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons... is Bobby Hebert, no R... H-E-R-B-E-R-T... Hebert, H-E-B-E-R-T. Hebert. It's a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it. Hebert.

Did you see what just happened here? - Well, that all depends.

Did you happen to notice that Julie handed the big salad to Elaine? - Yeah, so? - Well, she didn't buy the big salad. I bought the big salad.

You buy a big salad for somebody, it would be nice if they knew it. - Obviously.

Generally speaking, you don't need any extra incentive... to murder a dry cleaner. I wouldn't worry about it.

It's just that I was the one that actually paid for the big salad. She just happened to hand it to you. But it's no big deal.

Just a small miscommunication whereby you thanked her... instead of the person actually responsible... for the purchasing of the big salad.

We used to go out. - Well, toodle-loo.

You went out with Newman? - Just a few times. - Why?

Newman. She went out with Newman. It must be a mistake. - No. It isn't.

Newman never stops seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him. So the question, then, is not so much why did she see him... but why did he, Newman, stop seeing her?

Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye. - No. There's less.

I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil. - Maybe he's an enigma. A mystery wrapped in a riddle. - Yeah. He's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.

Otherwise George will make me buy him lunch... to make up for that big salad he bought me yesterday.

She just didn't do it for me. - What is wrong with her? - Well, if you're happy with her... that's all that matters. - You don't think she's attractive? - No. I need a really pretty face.

Poor Pinkus. Poor little Pinkus.

I think I could have played with dolls if there were dolls in the house. It seems like fun to me. It doesn't seem like a gender thing. I think I would like to play with dolls.

Are you suggesting that I went out of my way to tell Elaine... that even though you handed her the big salad, that it came from me? - That's what I'm suggesting.

George, all I did was hand someone a bag.

Well, then how about going out with me? - Okay.

Newman ruined it. All I could think of... when I was looking at her face was, 'Newman found this unacceptable.'

You know, if it was a regular salad, I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the big salad!

Yeah, this is Kramer. I got Gendason in the car. Now, he wants to see his fish. I'm taking him to see his fish, so tell the police to back off.

My name is Kramer. You know who I am, damn it!

To me, murder doesn't even really seem like that great of a revenge. Wouldn't years of subtle psychological mind games be a lot more satisfying?

After a while they go, 'I wish this guy would kill me. I can't take it anymore!'

How come when the police catch some really bad criminal... they put him in the handcuffs, hit him with the baton... put the chokehold on him, but then they don't want him to hurt his head... when they're putting him in the patrol car. 'Watch your head. Don't hit that metal edge there. That really hurts.'