The Gum

Gum is one of the weirdest human inventions. It's not a liquid. It's not a solid. It's not a food. What is it? It isn't really anything. You know, I mean, it's like a stationary bike for your jaw.

Remember when you were in school and teachers would get riled up if they caught you with gum? When you're a kid, you think what's the big deal? As an adult, I can understand it because when you're chewing gum, you don't look thrilled with anything.

World War II, that was an important historical event? Yeah, I'm sure. They landed a man on the moon in 1969? Yeah, right. Yeah, I buy that, teach.

Do you think she's happy? -Who? -The cashier. -Ruthie Cohen? -You know her name? Sure. -I don't think I've ever spoken to her. -Maybe that's why she's happy.

-That stinky old movie house? -Well, you should smell it now.

He was the assistant wardrobe man on Spartacus. He has some fascinating insights into the production. Why would you spend $7 to see a movie that I could watch on TV?

Well, why go to a fine restaurant when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite when you can just pop a pill?

-I've taken him under my wing. -Oh, then I'm not worried.

Yes, yes, we shall all try a piece and tell you how delicious it is.

-George. -I don't chew gum. It's different. Where did you get it? A friend of mine in Chinatown gave it to me. -I can ask him where he got it. -No, don't bother. -It's no problem. -I don't want it.

Jerry, Lloyd says it's no problem. He's capable of locating the gum.

I think this Ruthie Cohen gave me the wrong change. Didn't I pay with a 20? I'm sure I paid with a 20.

I think I finally figured out what the flavour is in this gum. It's a little lo meiny.

That's around the same time I broke up with Lloyd. You don't think that I had anything to do with his breakdown, do you?

I remember, when we parted company, I was babbling incoherently for months. Yeah, well, I've got news for you. While I was growing up all I heard from my mother was; 'Why can't you be more like that Lloyd Braun?' And in the end, Lloyd Braun became more like you.

-I thought they were out of town. -Why do you think I'm going now?

It used to belong to Jon Voight. -The actor, right? -Something like that.

Oh, my gosh, you look as pretty as you did back in high school. Boy, those were some crazy times.

Lloyd Braun can do anything he puts his mind to. He's fine, Jerry.

Oh, well, actually, Lloyd, Jerry and I have to sit in the front row because-- Because he forgot his glasses.

That was odd. Am I crazy or does Jerry not wear glasses? You're not crazy. Jerry does wear glasses. He just forgot them, that's all. Not crazy.

I'm sorry, but I didn't want Lloyd thinking I was leading him on again. Seeing him made me feel very uncomfortable. No, you don't want to be uncomfortable.

-Poor Lloyd. -I know. Completely bonkers. I'm sorry I can't be so flip about this kind of thing. You know, after what happened to Pop.

Pop? What happened to Pop? I thought you heard. He had a nervous breakdown last year. That's why I'm taking care of him.

He doesn't have the auto shop anymore? It was too much for him.

-I gotta go. -What? I just remembered I gotta be someplace. That's enough, Pop. Put down the wrench, Pop.

Pop! Pop!

-Sorry you forgot those glasses. -I don't know what I was thinking.

-How did you like that gum? -He loved it.

Kramer, you know, there isn't a light in the ladies room. Yeah, it's being repaired. Oh, God. -You all right? -I sat too close to the screen.

Officer. Officer, is there some reason this man has too be using a hose. I mean, he's flooding the sidewalk. It's a waste of water. Couldn't he just use a broom?

Lady, you sold me. Hey, you with the hose.

Here, put these glasses on. -What's this for? -Lloyd's gonna be here any minute. -So what? -Well, he thinks you wear those.

This is ridiculous. I'm not gonna put these on. Oh, okay. So he'll just think that the two of you didn't sit with him on purpose. Oh, yeah, that's very nice. Very nice.

And I can prove it. You see, I was doodling on the bill and so if you have a 20 in there with big lips on it well, that's mine.

Hey, George. -Thought you didn't chew gum. -I don't.

Think I'm gonna forget about this? I haven't forgotten. I don't forget easily.

Yeah, now, see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum, huh?

Actually, the importer is right in Chinatown. I'll introduce you. You can get it get it whenever. It's not necessary.

-So how about that Elaine today? -Oh, baby. What is that all about, huh? She was practically undressing in front of me at the theatre.

-I didn't see anything. -You really missed a show, buddy.

-Warning signs? -Nervousness, irritability, paranoia. What? What are you talking about? I'm not the one with the problem. Lloyd Braun was in the nuthouse, not me.

-Are you listening to me? -Do you see that woman? She stole $20 from me.

Hey. Hey, you! Get back here! Don't gallop away. I'm on to you.

So you're saying she was on a horse? I'm telling you, that cashier is riding horses on my money.

Go down to the stables, snoop around. See if any high-flying cashier has been throwing $20 bills around with big lips.

-Hey. -Well, if it isn't Chesty Larue. -What?

Oh, God. I lost a button, so my blouse was wide open. I must've left it at the theatre. -Maybe it's in the lost and found. -I know. I have to go check it out. It's a beautiful button. It's antique ivory. It was my mother's.

You know, the way you were wolfing down that popcorn, maybe you ate it.

Mr. Haarwood, what an unexpected surprise to have you back at the Alex. Well, I'm in a bit of a quandary. I've misplaced my spectacles.

Oh, my goodness. What a spanking button.

Listen, lady, I've got six minutes left on that meter and I'm not budging until you admit you stole my $20. You're not so stuff tough when you're not on your horse, are you, Ruthie?

Your car's on fire. Merry Christmas.

What happened to your car, buddy? The Jon Voight car is no more.

Are you out of your mind? What's the problem here? This hot dog's been here since the silent era. -You'd have to be insane to eat it.

-No, no, this man is not insane. There's nothing wrong with it or you. -Kramer-- -No, no, I'll show you.

Interesting texture. It's chewy.

You're that lady that was talking to the cops, aren't you? -Hey, Joe! -Oh, wait, wait! Stop it!

-Hey, everybody. -Whoa, Elaine! Once again you've managed to top yourself.

Look, honey, I know you're trying to get Lloyd to notice you but this is too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt. I got sprayed with a hose.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but the Alex is a family theatre not one of your swing joints.

You remember the woman on the horse? She wanted my spot. -To park her horse? -No, she wasn't on the horse.

So your car caught fire because of my father and the woman on the horse. That's right. And him. -The man with the flowers? -Yeah, yeah, the flower guy.

I can't believe it. That's Jerry Seinfeld. -Who? -Jerry Seinfeld, my best friend. He can explain all of this. Jerry, Jerry! Over here, Jerry. It's me! Where are you going? It's-- What are you--?

-That was your best friend? -Yeah. -But he doesn't wear glasses. -That man was wearing glasses. Don't you see? He was doing it to fool Lloyd Braun.

Here you go. -All this? -Yeah. -A hundred dollars worth. -I gave you a hundred dollars? You sure did. -Am I crazy or is that a lot of gum? -It's a lot of gum!

The only person who could really fit into this costume would have to be a short, stocky man of somewhat generous proportion.

You don't say.

I beg your pardon, Your Majesty but we don't accept bills with lipstick on the president.

So I had it all along. How do you like that? I guess I owe that cashier an apology.

Oh, my God. No, no, Deena, it's not what you think. This isn't mine. I got it from the Institute. The Institute!

-Where is your friend, King Henry? -He ran away.

You know, I've been looking all over for it. -Did you find it here? -It was in the lost and found. -Shall I undo it? -Yes, of course. -Oh, thank you. -I'm a little ticklish.

Tickle, tickle. We really gotta get that Elaine a boyfriend. Oh, tell me about it.