The Susie

Hey, if I were a gigolo, how much do you think I could charge a night?

Here or in Japan? / What's the difference? / Well, the Japanese are more enlightened. They can see beyond the physical.

Forget Japan. How much would you pay? / Oh, I don't know. A dollar.

I think I'm worth at least 300.

You're demeaning me. / You're a gigolo. / Well, you hired me. I'm the victim here.

When does it start? / Don't know. They tell you the night before.

I am springing ahead right now.

Oh, I'm sure that won't cause any problems.

Don't tell me you're still mad at him for calling you a phony.

Fine. And I'm not just saying that.

No openings in arson?

No, no, no. No bets for me. I got a disease.

It's all water near a bridge.

I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon, maybe.

What am I, a bulimic, chain-smoking stenographer from Staten Island?

Kind of a Yankee prom?

This woman is genetically engineered to go to a ball.

Tall, blond, lithe. / Live? / Lithe. / Live? / Lithe. / Oh, lithe.

Backless? You gonna back her in?

She's not gonna twi... / She'll twirl.

Is that the best you could do?

She doesn't want to. She needs to talk. / Nobody needs to talk. Who would want to?

I told her I was out of soda. I went out to get some, and I never went back.

And she wants to break up with you. / Can you believe it?

Everybody breaks up at Pomodoros.

No, I like the ball. This is my one chance to make a great entrance.

You've made some fine exits.

If she can't find me, she can't break up with me. And if we're still going out, she has to go to the ball.

That's some sweet action. / But I don't want any sweet action.

Well, I couldn't do it. I got a gambling problem. So you put down my money? You don't have a problem.

You know, it's amazing Peterman hasn't fired that dolt.

It's not Suz, all right? It's Susie. My name is Susie.

Believe it or not George isn't at home / Please leave a message At the beep

No, I can't. She knows I go there. It's not secure.

I hate that stupid message.

Oh, I guess you're not at home. I probably should have tried you at the office.

But there is no way I'm gonna be a Suz.

What am I? Some pom-pom waving, back-seat bimbo?

No, I was kicked out for fighting with one of the players. / Wait. Wait. Wait. Who? / Reggie Miller.

Well, first of all, for some reason, they started the game an hour late.

Well, I ran out onto the court and threw a hot dog at Reggie Miller.

Then the three of us went to a strip club.

I didn't know Cheryl Miller's little brother played basketball.

See, that's a cool G, daddy-o. Now, you gotta let it ride.

And between you, me and the lamppost, and the desk...

I don't know, Mike, to me it sounds a little, how you say, phony.

So Allison and I think that the best thing to do is just make a clean break.

I didn't even know you wanted to get serious. / So, what am I in this for?

We don't have to name names or point fingers... or name names.

Me and her have had our problems. She and I have had our problems. You and I and she and you.

Elaine and Susie, Susie and Elaine.

I'll get the money. I got a hundred in my pocket if you wanna reach in.

Stupid thumbs.

Oh, the trunk's broken. It's rattling.

Well, there's only one thing to do. Eliminate her. / What? / Get rid of Susie. Make her disappear.

I've been walking around all night. I've been thinking about Allison and me and you.

She took her own life.

We're taking George back. / What? / He's gonna make us very happy.

My real funeral's not gonna come close to this.

I'm not Susie. I'm Elaine. / But I've been calling you Susie. / Hadn't noticed. Excuse me.

It's a rental, but I've had it for 15 years.

And most of all, I will never forget that one night... working late on the catalog... just the two of us, and we surrendered to temptation. And it was pretty good.

Hold on! Susie didn't commit suicide. She was murdered... by Jerry Seinfeld!

I'm Susie. She's me. / I feel the same way.

Suz!