The Yada Yada

I gotta read five books? / All right, one.

Three Musketeers. / You've read that? / No, I'm saving it for the island.

You know, he was in The Three Musketeers. / Exactly. Save me having to read the book.

So, uh, Marcy, you should have seen me in the hot tub today. / Why? / I was naked.

I saw it. / How'd he look? / Okay. I wouldn't see it again.

Uh, yada, yada, yada. Just some bad egg salad.

Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today.

I'm a Jew. / Excuse me? / I'm a Jew. I finished converting two days ago.

You know, it was more like a Jewish workout.

When someone turns 21, they usually get drunk the first night. / Booze is not a religion. / Tell that to my father.

Where was I? / It was when you were engaged. / Oh, I gotta get on that Internet. I'm late on everything.

Oh, God, a baby. / That can add two years to a marriage.

Well, you're both so... striking.

So I'm on Third Avenue, minding my own business and, yada, yada, yada, I get a free massage and a facial.

Well, they gave birth to me and... yada, yada. / Yada what? / Yada, yada, yada.

It's a hundred percent cotton. / And some wool.

Well, I have the same shirt. / Yeah, well, I'm wearing it.

Did I mention I'm a serious actor? Really? I enjoy polo. Oh. I like the beach. My aunt has been, uh, ill of late. I own a tuxedo.

I like merlot. I love merlot. I'm crazy about merlot. I live for merlot. We're out of merlot.

I mean, he barely even knew me. Where did he get off--? [long pause] But they're great people.

Which reminds me, did you hear the one about the rabbit and the farmer's daughter, huh? 'Those aren't matzo balls.'

Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years. / Five thousand. / Five thousand, even better.

Chrissy, give me a shtickl of fluoride.

I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes.

Well, why were you holding the door open for? / Not for you. / Who holds a door open for a man?

Oh, everybody's your type. / What the hell does that mean? / You've been married three times.

We were engaged to be married, um... We bought the wedding invitations and, uh, yada, yada, yada. I'm still single.

So speaking of exes, my old boyfriend came over late last night and yada, yada, yada. Anyway, I'm really tired today.

Well, I... Uh, you know, I just told them what kind people you are and, uh... how Arnie's a big movie buff and yada, yada, yada.

Father Curtis, good guy. Oh, which reminds me. Did ya hear the one about the pope and Raquel Welch on the lifeboat?

Which one is Julie? / I don't know.

'No, I said, Hand me the buoys.' / 'Buoys.'

Total joke-telling immunity. He's already got the big two religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship, there'll be no stopping him.

You don't think she'd yada yada sex? / I've yada yada-ed sex.

But you yada yada-ed over the best part. / No, I mentioned the bisque.

And-- Oh, I stole a Piaget watch.

And this offends you as a Jewish person? / No, it offends me as a comedian.

You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist, don't ya? / Um-- / Newer magazines.

Well, I don't know. I mean, I talked to him and blah, blah, blah. He asked about you guys and da, da-da, da-da. More questions. Blah, blah, blah.

Slipped out.

Are-- Are you about done? / Oh, I'm just getting warmed up. / Because I'm just a sadist with newer magazines.

You have no idea what my people have been through. / The Jews? / No, the dentists.

We have the highest suicide rate of any profession. / Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?

Oh, small world. / So little people can have 'non-little-people' children? / Oh, yeah, and vice versa. / Yeah, Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.

Those people... can be so touchy. / 'Those people.' Listen to yourself.

Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite. / I am not an anti-dentite. / You're a rabid anti-dentite.

Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs: 'Hey, denty.' Next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools. / They do have their own schools.

Now, we can do this the easy way, or... we can do this... the fun way.

She, uh, went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and, uh, yada, yada, yada, I'll see her in six to eight months.

That's Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley was one of my students. And if this wasn't my son's wedding day, I'd knock your teeth out, you anti-dentite bastard.

Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school? / What? / A dentist.

Dentists. / Yeah, who needs 'em? / Not to mention the blacks and the Jews.

Where's Beth? / She ran out to get her head shaved.

Yada, yada, yada. I pronounce you man and wife.

I really wanted you.