The Bizarro Jerry

I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.

In the circus, you get to ride on the train, see the whole planet. I'm wearing a little hat. I'm jumping through fire. Putting their little alien heads in my mouth.

But in the zoo, you know, they might put a woman in there with me... to, you know, get me to mate.

What if she's got no interest in you? Then I'm pretty much where I am right now. Just got to take a ride on a spaceship.

Exquisite marble, high ceilings and a flush like a jet engine

He knows.

Oh, God... this tuna tastes like an old sponge.

I might like to try that. Like you and Jerry.

You know what happens with these? The rollers, they get flat spots on them.

I put her stats on the back.

Serious boyfriend, '92 to '95. Owns her own car. Favorite president, James Polk.

Why would anybody want a friend?

He said he'd go to the Museum of Miniatures. This is something you would never, ever do. I mean, all that stuff is so small.

Stupid.

Women like that are like members of a secret tribe living in a forbidden city. People like me have not been inside in thousands of years.

My hand's been stamped. I come and go as I please.

Well, you've cracked it. I warned the queen you were getting close and... now it looks like we're gonna have to move the whole damn forbidden city.

Well, if you must know, she was my fiancée, Susan. May she rest in peace.

You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.

She had man-hands.

It's like a creature out of Greek mythology. I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast.

Would she have hooks?

Kind of cool-looking.

If you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can call.

How long have I been asleep? What year is it?

How much are they paying you? No, no, no. I don't want any pay. I'm doing this just for me.

TCB. You know, taking care of business.

What do you got in there? Crackers.

I don't know, but you don't have it.

So he's Bizarro Jerry.

Up is down, down is up. He says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.

Shouldn't he say 'badbye'? Isn't that the opposite of goodbye?

Is he black?

If I don't get them done by 9, I'm toast.

Some of us have to work in the morning. Thanks.

You know who used to love Paris? My dead fiancée, Susan.

It's not a twist-off.

No, no, no. You're missing it. It's higher.

Didn't come true.

Bizarro World.

Then it does exist.

Flame on!

You know, I'm the one who's actually dating the woman in the picture.

But I was engaged to her.

Well, I gotta say, I think that that is a fantastic idea, Feldman.

I don't know. It's not practical.

What are you gonna do down there? Read.

I feel like I'm dating George 'The Animal' Steele.

Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator and sell tickets.

It's your third day.

Books, Jerry.

I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every 10 minutes to pore over the excruciating minutiae of every single daily event.

Why not? Like, yesterday, I went to the bank to make a deposit and the teller gives me this look--

The whole system is breaking down.

I wish I could, but we're friends.

There's a beach towel on the rack.

Which, by the way, was for two.

We've already got a George.

But I don't even really work here. That's what makes this so difficult.

What'd you do? Cut this out of a magazine or something? That's me. It's from a Clinique ad I did.

Hello, Vargas.

It's locked.

I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw?

I called the phone company and immediately reported the error.

Me so happy. Me want to cry.