Helen Seinfeld

Who wears a jacket like this? What's wrong with that nice grey one? You have beautiful clothes. They sit in your closet. Morty, you can't wear this.

- Are you getting that? - I thought you were getting it. - Should I pick up? - Do you want me to get that? - I'll get it. - I'll get it.

Would you make this thing lower? - I can hear it on the street.

I just hope that whole pony incident didn't put a damper on the trip. Oh, don't be ridiculous. It was a misunderstanding. Hey, I agree with him. Nobody likes a kid with a pony.

You know what this means? We lost the supersaver. Those tickets are nonrefundable. She just had a checkup. The doctor said she was fine. Unless... What? What? Nothing.

You don't think...? What, the pony remark? Oh, don't be ridiculous. She was an old woman. You don't think I killed her?

The funeral's Wednesday. Wednesday? What...? What Wednesday? Two o'clock, Wednesday. What? I got a softball game on Wednesday. It's the championship.

Oh, I didn't get the insurance. How could you not get the insurance?

The lake isn't real. The lake is real. Are you kidding? They built the lake. But it's real, it's water.

We don't even sleep.

Why should I be comfortable? Don't worry. He's comfortable. I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.

And scuba diving. Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving? For fun. For fun?

You got to get it right to the penny. But that's why he was such a good president.

What did you take his pen for? He gave it to me. But you didn't have to take it.

Should I have said I didn't like it? You shouldn't have said anything. He could have said, 'Thank you,' and put it back in his pocket.

He goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how astronauts use it.

I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen.

You're hot? I've lost six pounds.

Jerry wouldn't do that. Jack gave it to him. All he said was he liked it. I mean, nobody put a gun to his head.

How the hell do you work this thing?

The shoes have to match the pocketbook. What's she doing, yoga?

I hate her like poison.

What writer? It's a sitcom.

How could you eat fish on a plane? / Because she puts up a stink every time I have a piece of meat.

Oh, some guy kicked me in the side of the head. / What guy? / Crazy Joe Davola. / Why? / Well, I was having this party... and I didn't invite him, and then Jerry tipped him off.

How could anyone not like him?

George turned it down. - He turned it down? - Why did he do that? - Because of Ted Danson. - What does he have to do with it? - Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.

It was those culottes you made him wear when he was 5. They weren't culottes. They were shorts. They were culottes! You bought them in the girls' department. By mistake. By mistake, Jerry. I'm sorry.

I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again. I couldn't move. The super had to come and help me up. I was half-naked.

Maybe you're making porno films. Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.

It was those culottes you made him wear when he was 5. - They weren't culottes. They were shorts. - They were culottes! You bought them in the girls' department.

I fell right off the toilet.

Maybe you're making porno films. - Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.

What happens if the husband dies after the wife? Who brings the clothing in then? I suppose the children do. Yes, I suppose they do.

What plans? We have plans. Where did you get plans? We have plans.

Jerry, we don't care much for the Costanzas. We can't stand them.

A bit of a close talker. A what? You'll see.

They're exhausting. It's like being in an asylum.

Don't you think he had to be...nearsighted? Nobody would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus.

Why would they? Nobody bought them then.

I guarantee you, Doris won't let him mail those boxes.

What happens if the husband dies after the wife? Who brings the clothing in then? I suppose the children do. Yes, I suppose they do.

A bit of a close talker. A what? You'll see.

They're exhausting. It's like being in an asylum.

We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine. He looks better on TV.

Why can't I buy my father a car? - Your father doesn't need a car. - Yes, I do. - Oh, Morty. - We're keeping it. - Over my dead body.

We're losing all our friends.

They're a dime a dozen. - Oh, hi, Jerry. Mrs. Choate, this is my son, Jerry. - Give me that rye. - Stop it. - Help! Someone help! - Shut up, you old bag. - Thief! Stop him! Stop him, he's got my rye!

Jerry really doesn't wash these very well. Mrs. Seinfeld, choose a glass. Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld.

Wait. What are you gonna do in there? What am I gonna do in the bathroom? You gotta do me a favour. Hold on a second, Mrs. Seinfeld. I need your sample.

This one is kind of scratched. Jerry really doesn't... wash these very well. A milk glass, a juice glass. Any glass, just pick a glass. Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld.

Now, this Bloomingdale thing: That could be the next wave.

I won't ride in a German car.