The Barber

The old-fashioned barbershop is, unfortunately, becoming a thing of the past. Now, what went wrong? Well, first of all, he needs a $20,000 chair to make a $3 tip.

I say cut back on the chair, update the magazines.

Why do barbers always display that license? There's no laws in hair cutting.

But show customers the back of their head. That's the one law.

I don't want to see the back of my head. Why do I want to see something that I won't see at any other time?

When I buy pants, two salesmen don't lift me up by the legs and go: 'How do you like the crotch?'

If I wanted to see everything, I would've been a fly.

Well, a lot of people consider me, uh, small and prestigious.

I enjoy understanding.

Maybe he was going to say, 'Of course, I have to check with my associates.'

'I want you to have this job, of course... the Board of Directors is under indictment and will be serving time.'

'I want you to have this job, of course... sodomy is a prerequisite.'

So if you call to ask if you have the job, you might lose the job. And if I don't call... You might have the job, but you'll never know it.

Of course. Wouldn't let that butcher cut my hair.

I've been going to him for 12 years. I can't switch. I'd hurt his feelings.

I could raise enough money to cure polio.

I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time.

Polio?

Good. Of course...

You my favorite customer. You been with me for so long. You're so loyal.

You tell the joke, I cut the hair.

Gino, you've outdone yourself this time. This is the best haircut I've ever had.

He massacred you! I know. You look like you're five years-old.

What if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo helps.

He loves me. He says I'm his most loyal customer. Plus, he's right there on the corner. I'd have to pass him every day when I go by.

I can't, I can't. I'd break his heart.

No way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo.

I show up. What do you mean, you show up? I show up. I pretend I have the job.

If not, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.

Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs.

Yeah. So?

I forgot who I was dealing with.

I wasn't aware that uh... Mike! This is George Costanza. He's starting here today.

Welcome aboard. Thanks, Mike. Nice to be aboard.

Oh, leave Jack alone. Jack's got enough problems.

I like to feel cozy. I have a very small apartment. I like to feel tucked in, nestled in. Love to be nestled.

Yes, of course. The Pensky file. Can't wait to sink my teeth into that. Wow, that Pensky.

Well, we'll straighten him out.

We're like a family. In fact, yesterday was Grace's birthday. She's such a sweet woman, so we had a little party with cake and champagne, and... I made a toast.

Sure. I fix. But you gotta make sure you no tell anybody. He's a little crazy. I don't know what he do if he find out I touch Jerry's hair.

So, I love that Edward Scissorhands! That's the best movie I ever seen. Again with the Edward Scissorhand?

How can you have a hand like a scissor, eh? Show me one person who's got a hand like a scissor!

Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I love to be this man.

Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet, hmm? What are you going to do on the toilet?

I'd like to have shoehorn hands.

Pizza man was here. Maybe some fall off. He's going bald.

It looks very familiar.

He knows my hair. You're just imagining things. He doesn't know a thing.

Look at him! He's grotesque! Ya think? Do I think? He's repugnant.

Once I find a barber, I stick with him. I almost went to barber school. I always felt I had a talent for it.

Not everybody like Newman. So loyal. Yeah, just the way that I was raised. I'm special.

I don't mind if somebody's funny, but I no like the funny business.

How you like a free haircut for six months? What's the catch? You're gonna get me a sample of Jerry's hair.

That job sounds like it might be worth... a year's free haircuts. And a comb.

Mr. Pensky? Of the Pensky file? Costanza? Arthur Pensky.

In college, they used to call me the Little Bulldog.

Yeah, you are Pensky material.

I don't believe this. There's no hair in this thing! I've never seen a person that didn't have at least one hair in a brush. Unbelievable. Nothing!

I tell ya, this... Scissorhands is a hell of a barber. Gotta go! Oh, gee, I... I dropped a nickel.

Io voglio vendetta!

He is, um... He's a high school graduate. Equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate.

He likes, uh... fruit. And, uh, he just got um... a haircut.

Do I hear five bucks?

Don't lie! I know it was you! I get a sample of your hair. I match them up! Sample? Newman!

I'm gonna kill the both of you!

I thought you would've taken the larger office. Oh. Oh. Really? I guess I didn't make that clear when I hired you.

Well, bear in mind, I am in the smaller office.

You are aware that, uh, Pensky is interested in me. You're not Pensky material.

Well, we'll just see about that. Ta-ta! Tut-tle.

What I was going to say was, 'Now, you are aware that our Board of Directors has been indicted. Myself included. And we're prohibited from doing business until the investigation is completed.' So, obviously, we would have no use for you.

Excuse me, but Mr. Costanza's car is being towed.