The Masseuse

With a serial killer loose, seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards, right? 'Uh, he was kind of quiet.'

They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering. Just stereo. Chain saws, people screaming, fine. Just keep the music down.

Here's a woman that's hard to disappoint. I guess she's only upset when she finds out he's stopped killing people. 'You know, sometimes I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore.'

Eight years isn't such a long streak. It isn't? No. I haven't vomited in 13 years.

Get out! Not since June 29, 1980. You remember the date? Yes. Because my previous vomit was also June 29, 1972.

That's why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George, 'Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again.'

He just has the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New York.

Guess you better keep on his good side.

Yeah, I wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you.

he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eight years.

Ask him to change it. You can't ask a person to change their name. Why not? Would you change yours? If someone asked me nicely.

I'm Claude Seinfeld.

Well, you know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted. Just like Son of Sam was adopted. So apparently, adoption leads to serial killing.

He likes a date to see him with a friend, so she can get a window into his non-date personality. I've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds.

So it's like going to Idaho and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idaho, I want a potato.

You just said that you said it. Sweetheart, I was exaggerating.

I'm learning a lot about you tonight, George.

You know, it's like you never see a really attractive woman getting a traffic ticket. How can you say that? My sister got a ticket last week. Are you saying she's not attractive?

Well, I tried brushing my teeth by holding the brush and moving my head from side to side. It didn't work.

Did you see the way that he was eating? Yeah, he's disgusting.

I have to tell you, I really don't like him. Yeah, me either. It's just I hate that type. Ah, he's a bad seed.

The second time I sent the noodles back... I thought she made a face. I didn't see a face. I thought I saw a face.

What a cool name, Deion. If I were going to change my name, I'd go with Deion. Deion Benes? Well, as a woman, it makes no sense.

O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! Oh! You don't even use a name, it's just initials. Oh, please, please, change your name to O.J. It would be so great!

Sex was fabulous. So? I want the massage!

She said that? Yes. She told you she doesn't like me? Yes. What were her exact-- 'I don't like him.'

But believe me, if she's getting traffic tickets, she's not that good-looking!

You vomited in 1987. Oh, no. That was the dry heaves.

I am looser than creamed corn.

My hailing technique is unmatched. See, I get the wrist going side to side and boom! Cabs are crashing into themselves to just pick me up.

But first, she sets the mood perfectly with this New Age music played over ocean sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil over your entire body. And she rubs long and deep.

Jerry, she rubs with love.

The massages are out! They're out! Why? Because if I can't get one, you're not getting one!

Don't you ever talk about her like that! Yeah, but why--? That's final!

You're very normal. You're totally normal. Who's this? That's my mother. Oh, yeah. I see the resemblance. No, there's no resemblance. Yeah, there is, right here, you see-- Elaine, I was adopted.

Come on, just look at me, huh? Now tell me I'm not Kramer.

Would Joel Rifkin report to the stadium office. Joel Rifkin, telephone.

He's not the murderer.

And then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into the crowd, and I dove over three rows! My back, it's killing me! It's killing me, Jerry! Well, did you get the ball?

Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me! I must be liked!

I have never met a normal guy named Stuart.

In college, I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee, and after every sip, he would go, 'Ahh!' I mean, every two seconds, 'Ahh!' And he would take, like, 40 sips, and after every one, 'Ahh!' I had to drop the class.

No. No, this isn't good. I can't do this. Why? What's wrong? I can't. No. Yes, you can. No, I can't.

Who is more important to you, her or me? I like you, she doesn't. Who you gonna pick?

Well, now I hate you! That, I'm used to.

Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear.

Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.

You're a massage teaser.

I don't submit to forcible massage.

Jerry... this woman hates me so much I'm starting to like her.

She just dislikes me so much... it's irresistible.

A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.

The Swedish are very big massagers, you know. They like the Swedish meatballs, Swedish massage. They like having meat in their hands, these people.

For some reason. But it's weird. Because they have a high suicide rate. They're rubbing each other's necks all the time. For a neutral country, they seem kind of tense.

Like having chocolate rubbed all over your face. You want to go, 'Excuse me. I think you missed a spot.'