The Maestro

I've never been any place there was no coffee.

And people constantly try to give you coffee. 'Who's having coffee? Can I get you some coffee?' Coffee's one of the only things you can have... that people continue to try and give it to you.

Waitresses ask, 'Can I fill it up? Can I warm it up? Can I top it off?'

You could lift up a manhole cover: 'We just made a fresh pot. Would you like some?'

It has taken over humanity. There are coffee machines we have to call 'mister.'

'Coffee anyone?' 'Hey, that's Mr. Coffee to you.'

Why would anyone eat canned fruit? I mean, can anybody answer that?

I said, 'I've never seen you looser.'

I could see the can if you're in the Army. But fresh fruit, it's available. It's there. It's two aisles over.

Well, scintillating as always.

One would hope.

It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.

It's definitely preposterous.

Suzy, I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a café latte with a top. We're gonna run some tests on that top.

Get me one coffee drinker on that jury... you gonna walk out of there a rich man.

There's a lot of women that would love to be in your position right now.

Name one.

Oh, he is impossible to shop for, Uncle Ned.

He's gotta be on his feet like that all day? I mean, that's brutal.

She's not concerned about the security guard. What kind of person is this? I'm marrying a person who doesn't care... this man has to stand eight hours a day... when he could easily be sitting.

Literally nothing. I sat in a chair and I stared.

Wow, that really is nothing.

Well, you wouldn't be on that jury. He would've weeded you out.

Frankly, I'm surprised you're so litigious.

Oh, I can be quite litigious.

Jackie says the top was faulty.

Hey, Maestro.

I'm sorry. Maestro.

There's really nothing available.

This is Bob Cobb. Maestro.

Jinx. Buy me a Coke.

He conducts the Policemen's Benevolent Association Orchestra.

You should see him do 'Flight of the Bumblebee.' He just...

Yeah, it's burning my retina.

I can sense the slightest human suffering.

Are you sensing anything right now?

Criminals. Boom, I'm up. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

I'm gonna need a coffee here! Very hot! Boiling!

I didn't mention it earlier, but, actually, I prefer to be called Maestro.

I suppose it's okay for Leonard Bernstein to be called Maestro... because he conducted the New York Philharmonic. So he gets to be called Maestro and I don't.

I once saw him in a bar, and somebody said: 'Hello, Maestro, how about a beer?' Okay? So that's a fact.

Jerry, my burn, it's gone, look.

You're obviously a very well-proportioned individual.

I'd like to walk in here one day and find you sitting down. That would give me a lot of pleasure. Call me crazy.

You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to. Why'd you put the balm on?

Do you know what a balm is? You ever seen a balm? Didn't you read the instructions? No one can tell what a balm's gonna do. They're unpredictable.

Okay, from now on, I want you to call me Jerry the Great.

'There's nothing to rent,' as if he doesn't want anyone else there.

I'll take it!

'I'll take it'? 'I'll take it'? Who told you to take it?

I'm his nephew, all right? Don't worry about it.

Two million lire. You give me the check.

Seventy-five thousand lire? Are you out of your mind? Kramer, you don't understand the conversion rate.

Nobody put a gun to your head.