The Soul Mate

I can now bite my fingernails so evenly...I don't even need to use a clipper anymore.

Why gnaw away like a mental patient when we have this elegant device?

You know what's really a weapon, that big toenail. You let that grow for a month, take it in the shower, it's like a shiv.

I love prison. It is fascinating. Yeah, maybe someday.

I like Flavman.

Jerry, a throat clear is a non-verbal implication of doubt. He thinks I killed Susan.

Oh, help me, Rhonda.

For once, I'd like to be gaga.

What's with all these people having babies? - Perpetuation of the species. - Yeah, right.

But because it comes out of your baby, it smells good.

The city's a toilet.

Elaine was telling me about this whitefish she had the other day.

Jerry Lewis trick - leaving briefcase with tape recorder to hear what people say

Books. Careful.

I'm in trouble, buddy. I just met a woman...she's Jerry's girlfriend.

Jerry wouldn't know delicate if it bludgeoned him over the head.

One perfect angel for whom we are put on this earth...One winsome tulip we ceaselessly yearn for

I thought we were talking about me.

I saw a show on the mollusk last night. The mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk.

Yes, I think I am better than the mollusk.

Oh, it's been done to death.

Why? Why Susan? Why wasn't it me licking those invitations?

Briefcase.

Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage...I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam.

Oh, no, that won't last. He's not gaga.

Did anyone notice George's fingernails? Oh, my, yes, they look like they were eaten away by weevils.

Dear God!

Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay.

She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan.

Pam. Pam? Pam!

Although, I might replace her tortoise clip with one of those velvet scrunchies. I love those.

I hear three distinct sounds: A low rumple...followed by a metallic squink...followed by a mysterious galonk.

Have you considered just asking them what happened to the briefcase?

A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die?

Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase 'Pardon my French.'

I once told a woman I don't eat cake because it goes right to my thighs.

Once told a woman I enjoy spending time with my family.

Your looks and my words will have built the perfect beast.

There really is no junk mail. Everybody wants a check or birthday card...It requires just as much manpower to deliver as their precious cards

Her bouquet cleaved his hardened shell and fondled his muscled heart

It's by an unknown 20th century poet...Oh, what's him name? Newman.

I got a vasectomy this morning.

A velvet scrunchie.

You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused, nightclub rabble that lap up your inane 'observations'?

Like last summer, I'm watching TV and I saw one of those jet skis. Four thousand dollars later, and it's sitting in my garage.

I flattened my hair and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time.

I think the M&M should be you.

This thing is like an onion. The more layers you peel, the more it stinks.

I think I have a little crush on him.

Why can't I be a soul mate?

Children? Who said anything about children? I don't wanna have children.

A low rumple...a metallic squink...a galonk...and someone crying out, 'Dear God!'

All right then. We've gotten to the bottom of that.

What are you guys doing here? We're getting vasectomies.

Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed.

Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan? Oh, yeah, I just assumed he murdered her. Of course he killed her. So it's not just me then.